u/Fireresistantbrat

First and foremost I want to preface this by saying I typed out 4-5 pages in word doc. as notes for our upcoming couples therapy appointment to catch up our therapist since we had an appointment with him right after my fiancé admitted to the kiss. And because it was so long plus I worry my adhd mixed with recall/story telling seems to always be a little harder to follow than most other peoples post I just had Microsoft copilot assist forming it into an easier read. So it make look like Ai but it’s real and hopefully it’ll help you readers. I do want to make it work with my fiancé I just don’t even know where to start to try to heal again support and advice welcomed thank you!!!….

I honestly don’t even know how to process everything anymore and I need outside perspective because I feel mentally destroyed from months of trickle truth and lies.
My fiancé originally told me that what happened with another woman (“Greta”) was just a spontaneous kiss in a parking lot. He framed it like it was a brief moment of weakness, not some emotional or planned affair. Based on that version, I tried to work toward healing.
After our last therapy appointment, I found out that at least two hours before the appointment — AFTER I had him call her in front of me to officially end communication — they were still messaging. I had specifically told him to block her afterward. Later when I checked his phone, I saw a message from her saying:
“Bruh WTF was that.”
He had every opportunity to tell me and chose not to.
What hurts even more is that same night we had an emotional/tantric healing session together and I genuinely felt hopeful. I asked him directly if there was anything else involving her I should know. He denied it.
The next morning I was going through screenshots I had originally saved just to delete them and move on. While looking through them I noticed screenshots of recent STD screenings from the VA. At first he lied and claimed they were routine labs. Then he lied again saying he didn’t know the VA offered STD testing and that Greta told him about it. Eventually he admitted the truth after I directly asked if he got tested because he planned on sleeping with her.
That completely shattered me because it proved this was NOT just a random kiss.
Eventually he admitted:
Their conversations became flirtatious and sexual.

Pictures/videos were exchanged.

The kiss was planned beforehand.

He hoped he could eventually convince me to become “open-minded” about polyamory so they could hook up without him feeling guilty.

He had her download Signal so they could communicate discreetly.

When I checked Signal, their conversation had already been deleted.
At one point I contacted her myself because I wanted the truth. At first she denied anything beyond the kiss happened, then at the last second admitted they had sex. I still honestly don’t know what to believe because both of them have lied so much.
Then a few days ago I found hidden Facebook messages between them that made everything so much worse because it showed this wasn’t only sexual — it was emotional too.
Some of the messages included:
“I miss your soul baby.”
“You’re one of my new favorite people.”
“If it was up to me…”
“Daddy likey.”
There were also conversations about him trying to “get me comfortable” with the kind of poly relationship they had, even though I had repeatedly told him throughout our relationship that I was NOT okay with an open relationship, swinging, or him sleeping with another woman.
That part is what makes me feel crazy.
I never told him I wanted an open relationship. Ever.
Yes, we had conversations in the past about fantasies, controlled situations, or even hypothetical scenarios involving sex workers because to me that felt transactional and emotionally safe compared to developing an emotional connection with another woman behind my back. But I repeatedly made it clear:
I did not want him emotionally involved with another woman.

I did not want him having sex with another woman.

I did not want secrecy or hidden communication.

I did not want polyamory.

Instead, he seems to have taken those conversations and convinced himself there was some “loophole” where eventually he could make this happen.
What’s destroying me the most is the constant trickle truth.
Every single time I discover something new, the story changes:
first it was “just a kiss”

then sexual messages

then planned sexual intent

then deleted secret conversations

then emotional attachment

then hidden Facebook messages

then finding out he was telling her he missed her soul and wanted her in another life

And on top of all this, I recently found other hidden flirtatious messages with another woman too.
He keeps blaming sex/love addiction for everything, but honestly this feels deeper than that to me. It feels manipulative, calculated, deceptive, and emotionally cruel. Especially because even after therapy and “repair work,” he still recently violated another boundary involving interviewing women privately for his podcast after agreeing not to.
I genuinely don’t know how to rebuild trust after this level of lying and escalation.
Has anyone dealt with this kind of prolonged trickle truth before? Did you ever actually get the full story?