16/05/2026 - I feel like an idiot
I have been with this person on and off for almost two years. He was my first love and the first person I truly gave my heart to. During our relationship there were certain red flags but I was naive and believed I could change him. It sounds dumb because no one in their right mind would run away from their family to be with someone you have only known for a few months but I did and I lived with him for a few months.
While I was living there we got into physical altercations and it forever changed me. I eventually went back home and started rebuilding my relationship with my family and even though we agreed we weren't together because I needed to heal from everything, we still done everything like a normal couple does except he wanted to sleep with other people and have no regrets for when he eventually got his life together. I don't know if it was trauma bond because I have never been this hung up over a guy but I agreed after some reluctance. I visited him a few times after and we were okay but we knew eventually our lives would go our separate ways but we would always remain cordial. Also during this period he would get angry with me during an argument, which I know is the norm but he would say the most hurtful things. He would bring up my self-harm and say I am always the same because it was something I had struggled with since I was 13. He could compare my self-harm to his infidelity, and always talk about how I don't bring peace. How I am never what he needs. I don't think I let myself dwell on it but this relationship has completely changed my brain chemistry and who I am as a person. I'm scared of love and I don't know how am I supposed to move on and trust or love someone.
Then recently he told me that he wanted to get back with his ex (also the mother of his child) if the opportunity arose. That he still loves me but he does want his family back. He doesn't like when I ask questions about the situation or when I talk about the things that make me sad but I truly gave him everything he wanted and it was still never enough. Sometimes I wonder if I am just not worthy of love or maybe it was my own fault because I was such an idiot. No one in my personal life knows the full extent of what happened in our relationship because I don't want to tear him down and it's such an embarrassing story. I feel alone and angry with myself a lot of the time.
Please don't be mean about this whole situation or my own stupidity, trust me I am already harsh on myself.