u/FirmPool6074

I just turned 18 with hlhs, and i just graduated highschool. But I’ve just not really been happy about it. Everyone i know is going to college, except me. My parents said I should stay home and do online college and work, so that I could be close to my cardiologist just incase. Which, i get it i guess, it just feels unfair. Everyone i know is going to college, meeting new people, exploring the world, chasing their dreams, and I feel stuck.

Will it always be like this? Right now I just feel like im destined to watch everyone else live or something.

Disclamer: This is my story, but i felt like making aware that it was I minor in the tag was more important. Also sorry this is long, i will put a tl;dr at the bottom. I’ve never talked about this, so im sorry if I explained this wrong or used the wrong terms or something, i just couldn’t keep it bottled up anymore.

I am an 18 year old male. When I was 7-8 years old, I was sexually assaulted by my older brother, who was 16. This happened for maybe a year and a half? It started off with my brother making me take whatever he called “the gay test” where he would touch me inappropriately, or make me touch him inappropriately. He probably did this for about 2 months before he got more “comfortable”? doing other things.

After a while, it got more and more physical, and happened more often. We shared a room, so it was hard to escape this. He would wait until our parents left, and would make me do stuff for him. He would make me get naked, and get in bed with him, and he would assault me orally most of the time. After a couple months, it would probably end up happening every night, and it eventually led to penetration.

For a brief period, maybe 3 months? He stopped, it was just out of the blue. Then randomly, he made me start doing everything all over again. I remember crying the entire time when he made me start again that first night.

This happened for probably another 4 months, and then it stopped completely. He never brought it up, and never made me do anything ever again. I’ve always tried to make myself forget it. I remember looking up on youtube how to forget memories, but I never could figure it out. I’ve just always pushed it down, and never thought about it.

But lately I’ve seen people sharing their stories, and how it’s affected them, and now everything I’ve pushed down is coming back to me. I think this has affected me in a couple different ways, but the one thing that’s bothered me the most is my virginity. I’ve always seen myself as a virgin, I’ve never had sex. But now that I’ve seen people’s stories, it’s made me think otherwise. I had my virginity stripped away from me, and now I cant ever share that piece of me with a girl that I trust and love and cherish. Its really been messing with my head lately, it’s making me feel so disgusting and so undesirable.

Tl;dr: 7 years old and assaulted by my older brother for a year and a half. Now questioning my virginity and feeling disgusted with myself.