complex motherxdaughter relationship that's full of hate
she is the most selfish person i've ever met in my life. she claims her love towards me but all she's ever done in my life is hurt me. to this day, i don't understand how she doesn't feel guilty every night before bed knowing that she is the sole reason why i wanted to kill myself and also the reason why i have bad days in my life. i am not kidding half of the days where i feel frustrated would've been good days if i didn't talk to mom or if she didn't exist in my life. i just hate her so much and i feel like no one can ever understand the complex hatered relationship i have with my mom.
it's so much more than i hate u. there're so much i don't remember, stories that disappeared and it's like you had to be there. any "understanding" or empathy from someone that's not in the story doesn't mean much to me. there're so much layers to it that even i don't know how to navigate it sometimes. and being here all alone for so long made me feel like i create some narrative in my head or that my emotions aren't worth to be validated. my dad mostly and only hears my mom's narratives, my brother is just a loved, sheltered flower no one touches and here is me.
genuinely all alone. i've had so many different conversations about our relationship to mom and also sometimes dad but recently the more in depth we talked about it(only because im brave enough to bring it up and also after spending years researching and trying to understand myself and my mom) the more i realized it will go no where. there is a room for improvement but never a full understanding. there never will be. the gap is something we simply have to live by. but that "simple" gap is what kills me.what makes my heart ache.
i've talked to friends, i've talked to strangers. contextually it's long and hard to explain everything. also it hurts everytime i talk about it. that's why i think my forever longing in life is true understanding from someone of me. for someone to know every dirtiest secret, the most discreet part of my web of thoughts, my emotions and all. but i began grasping more that that's most likely impossible. the only one that can do that is myself and i need to work with myself to truly be there for myself when i need to.
but anyways. do any of you guys relate to this abyss?