r/mommyissues101

So I really don't know where to start or if this feeling is even interesting for you guys to read, but I really need an answer. It's confusing the hell outta me.

I think I have a very weird thing goin on, like I tend to be more attracted to mean people, not entirely mean but fierce? like intimidating? Strict vibes? whateva that's called. I don't know if its normal, but i think it's not. I tend to be attracted to someone that everybody would hate because of their personality or attitude, I would also like to add that it's always older women. More on english tc, kind of universal, no? I usually just let it be, but as day goes by I got curious, especially when watching a movie. For example, hightower from "the mentalist", she's like wow like wow, direct, strict vibes and whatnot, I should hate her for not sparing grace and rigsby? Gosh I don't really know what is it that i'm feeling. I have a teacher who was hated by my friends and classmates because she's well kinda mean? and strict, I think Im attached to that teacher (not romanticaly ofc) I just dont know, I get happy when she notices me, agh sorry for wasting your time.

hi all! just need a foreign opinion since i don’t even know if im thinking straight anymore.

to start, im 22f and early childhood wise me and my mom has had a very close relationship. she did her duties well as a mother to a daughter. she taught me about life, all kinds of safety, feminine and general self care and basically everything. she protected me from bad experiences as much as she could. i think she does love me actually, she has always said it. but yk she has showed her angry sides to me sometimes. she has always kinda shamed me for being the youngest child. i don’t have younger siblings. and i remember basically all her outbursts were about how im weak and naive bcz i dont have younger siblings to take care of (mind you im 5 and im not in control of my parents fertility 😂) and she looooooved omg she loooooves comparing me to other girls who had younger siblings and pointing out all my weaknesses and everything i did wrong. whenever i got home from being bullied by girls on the playground my mom would demand the full story and then point out everything i did wrong and then conclude all that into how im weak, dumb and naive and how i deserved it lol.

i don’t even remember having teen years honestly 😂. but the same bit of “every bad thing being my fault bcz i was weak and i deserved it” continued. i was a hormonal teenager back then so i would yk try to snap back sometimes and she would LITERALLY LAUGH ME LOL 😂. by that time i’ve obviously learned to hide feeling and emotions and everything. and yeah i don’t really remember much. apart from she always bought me clothes she liked, and rarely what i liked. so even my aesthetic taste isn’t even mine, it’s just what SHE likes.

from 19 ive just started to treat her as an explosive. always talk overly nicely and never set her off and shut up if i have to to keep the peace. and all the nasty things she would say just became noise, i would basically get selective deafness whenever she went on her rambles. and god forbid i repeated one of the criticisms she warned me about - even louder rambling and even more deafness.

now im 22 and im going abroad to study. now she is very controlling. she wants everything around her exactly the way she wants. she wants me to do exactly what she tells me. she still brings me to the banks and doctors as a 22 bcz she just has to. i kinda appreciate the error control she provides but idk i feel ashamed, i kinda wanna try and fail myself yk. it’s probably gonna be horrible but at least it’s mine. maybe im just spoiled and unappreciative. but im 22, im scared if this goes on im going to become a 30 yo who is fully dependent on her mom cz she never learned to do anything. i do (unsuccessfully) express that to her but she doesn’t understand.

and the worst part is i can never successfully express my standing with her cz i never learned to. even right now i have sooooooo much i want to say to her but im here writing this horror after hugging and baby talking with my mom minutes ago. i dont know why i do that, i just do that cz thats how i learned to protect myself. i am very negative and im borderline paranoid of everything.

that’s why i wanted to move abroad. to be in a world completely foreign to her so she cant navigate me. maybe i am just romanticizing the struggles of millions and should shut up and be grateful. i feel like im going crazy cz the world around me is perfectly smooth going but i can only see the mess. if yall have some tough advice on me, feel free to share. could all this just be a normal mom behavior? thank u for reading my rambling ❤️