u/First-Firefighter-13

Hey everyone,

I want to come and share some of my experiences with you all about some of the behaviors I overlooked. I also want to say I’ve worked in DV shelters and am a clinical social worker in psychiatry, AND STILL WAS BLINDED BY THE EXCUSES AND MANIPULATION. It can happen to ANYONE. And it IS grounds for breaking up! It IS okay to “abandon”someone if it is taking a toll on you! I believe I dated a covert narcissist who had other Cluster B personality disorder traits as well.

Here’s a list of the behaviors I overlooked or initially had no issue with until it became something much bigger. Please don’t share if you feel these are obvious and am unsure how I saw past these. I also often fought back so he would back down, but i ultimately knew the next time it would be the same thing. Here we go, if you have seen any of these RUN!!! IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!!! THE CHANCES OF CHANGE ARE SLIM!!!!

1. Any comment that’s negative about what you wear “you’re wearing THAT?” “Who are you trying to look good for?”. THE FUCK! FOR WHOEVER I WANT

2. Any comment about doing anything to my physical appearance, shaving “who you going to see?” Or “why do you care how your hair looks?” NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE COMMENTING ON HOW YOU DO ANYTHING ON YOUR BODY!

3. Going through your phone, journal or computer or anything private with no valid reason as to why. THIS IS THE ONE I CANT BELIEVE I STAYED AFTER LIKE. MY STUFF IS MINE!!! He’d purposefully look for things to prove his anxiety right. Even if nothing was there, he’d bring up the past.

4. Arguments for hours in circles. THIS IS A DEFLECTION TACTIC!!

5. Arguments that result in yelling so loud the neighbors hear. Enough said

6. Arguments that turn into something extreme such as threatening suicide, jump out of the car. IF SOMEONE TRULY WANTS TO DIE THEY WILL FIND A WAY AND IT WILL BE WITHOUT YOU THERE

7. Phrases like “I don’t deserve you” or “you’ll find better than me” OKAY AND THESE ARE FACTS!

8. Love bombing in the start. I overlooked this and never will again. The need to be close at such an early stage.

9. Starting a fight with you when you have plans to go out without them that has nothing to do with you going out, but they demand your attention for. THIS IS COERCIVE CONTROL!!

10. Asking me over and over if i love him! After an argument they had to MAKE SURE i wasn’t going to leave by asking if i loved him still. AGAIN, TRYING TO CONTROL THE DYNAMIC

11. Talking about grand plans for the future, when i was the main breadwinner and there no effort of achieving these goals on their end. THIS IS FUTURE FAKER!!! TO SELL YOU A FAKE NARRATIVE! YOU’LL BE DOING IT ALL ON YOUR OWN WHILE THEY SAY “WE DID IT!”

12. Making slight comments about my friends! I had a BEST friend that he “knew was bad” from the start. Ultimately ended up in me losing that which I regret everyday. ANOTHER FORM OF COERCIVE CONTROL!! THEY WANT YOU TO QUESTION YOUR REALITY

13. He made sure early on to have conversations about his trauma and how it affected him, and said he went to therapy for some years. THIS IS SO THEY CAN THROW IT IN YOUR FACE AS AN EXCUSE OR THEY CAN WEAPONIZE THERAPY LANGUAGE.

14. Constantly complaining about work, all day long about how someone did this or didn’t do that. Every job he had he had issues with multiple people. But would never confront them or try to work it out. THEY DON’T WANT TO WORK IT OUT! THEY WANT THEIR REVENGE!

15. Using the term bitch, but saying he isn’t using it towards me so I shouldn’t care. Or that it’s just another cuss word he’s allowed to say when angry.

16. On that note, road rage and ANGRY DRIVING!!! PERIOD

17. Being rude to people he likely won’t have to face or behind closed doors, but never being rude to people he’s standing in front of or that have authority over him. HE KNOWS WHEN AND WHERE to direct his anger.

18. Making it a point of conversation that you should NOT be telling your friends and family about what happens in your relationship. For me this looked like a casual conversation about boundaries and what’s appropriate or not to discuss with people. SO THEY CAN ABUSE YOU AND YOU WONT TELL

19. They LOVE that people like you, and are so proud they talk highly of you. My ex made it a huge deal when someone would say something positive about me and tell me every time which was nice, but often felt like the outside perception is what matters the most.

20. Control covered with care such as “are you sure you want to go to the store alone? I just want you to be safe” THIS IS SO YOU DONT GO TO PUBLIX AND CHEAT LIKE THEY’RE ASSUMING WILL HAPPEN.

21. Saying any statement along the lines of “i wish i could kill all the people you’ve been with before me” as a “joke” oh my god.

Anyway theres probably so many more i can add to this. These are a few things that i overlooked and frankly feel embarrassed to have even looked past as seeing them typed out sounds INSANE!! Please keep in mind these conversations looked casual or lighthearted at the time and they mainly occurred in the happy phase where they’re building a positive image while studying your personality. Remember to tell your support systems what’s happening and plan an escape. Freedom of being able to do anything without someone hovering and commenting on it is the best feeling I’ve ever had. I plan to solo travel and do anything alone I possibly can to relearn myself and what i sacrificed.

Hello everyone, me 25F and my partner 26M have been in a relationship for a little bit over a year now, we moved in together due to lease things and I just am not sure how much patience I have to give to him on this topic, he misinterprets everything and in turn gets very frustrated and it turns into a battle about my behavior. Of course this is coming with the typical but he’s so great all of the other times! And he truly does show me so much love and compassion and has taught me a lot of independence and free thinking. He does a lot for me and fills my life in many areas. However, we seem to have a constant battle of him “feeling like i have an attitude” or “acting off” when I’m truly just existing and this is making me feel like i have to monitor myself. My mood fluctuates fast, and i can be pretty flat and sarcastic sometimes, but i never try to intentionally be rude. When im upset, i never take it out on him, until he begins to say that I am. For example, i was venting about my mom, he kept saying thats just who she is which made me feel dismissed. I told him i feel dismissed and he said it was not like that, but continued to respond in ways that seemed so like “that’s just moms” and then i said okay i don’t need to talk about it anymore. He then in turns gets upset with me for being quiet. I was holding his hand and rubbing it to make it known it’s not that serious, and then i moved my fingers around and he explodes and says “well you just don’t have to hold my hand then!” I said it’s not like that, and he continues to be upset about how I am distant and put a wall up, and i felt like i was even trying to make it known i was comfortable by rubbing his hand and squeezing it to songs. Another thing he does is overthinks a text, then will ask me why i have an attitude and he’ll say your tone says otherwise and I’ll apologize, it’ll keep going into, I’ll just talk to you later then since you don’t wanna talk to me. I just don’t have the energy to keep saying “of course i want to talk to you” and “that’s not how i meant it” and like im defending everything if i don’t say it or do it exactly how he thinks it should be if im happy and good?

My main dilemma is that this truly has gotten better over time, and he does a lot of reflection on why he is this way and tries to not overthink it all, but it seems like no matter what it’ll always happen. He calls shortly after and apologizes and understands his reaction was wrong and he was doing a lot, and how he wants to change for me and us and our kids and doesn’t want them to grow up in an angry household but i still find it so frustrating that we have to go through this in general, i see it slowing down, but is a year enough time to expect someone to either communicate it nicely or regulate themselves? especially when we spend a lot of time together and have many open conversations about why we are the way we are and how we were raised etc? Also this doesn’t happen all the time but typically when he’s more frustrated about something else or tired etc. pls help i want to hold on but im not sure how long i can wait to see if this will change. Thanks everyone