Is when im drunk.
My brain works, im confident quick witted and funny.
I wish i could be the way I was drunk when I was sober minus the really stupid decisions.
Sometimes I wish my brain wasn't so broken, I hate myself sober and I like drunk me but I hate some of the things I've done when drunk.
It's like living in hell.
Pretty much all of my life I have had to modify my personality a bit to fit in.
But with you I could be my authentic self.
It's crazy how our paths crossed and everything happened so quickly, I never knew what love was until I met you.
I have so many nice memories, but they're mixed and splattered with shame and regret for not treating you better, I don't think we were toxic, I just did the same thing I've always done which was self destruct.
I will never forgive myself for what I did to you, the pain I caused you, now I can't even reach out for no reason after we agreed we'd try and fix things.
I won't either, because as much as I miss you, I am stubborn to the core.
So now I spend every night alone, because I realised I had everything I ever wanted, and now I have nothing.
I look through old photos of us trying to pinpoint where it went wrong, I dream about you, and in a half asleep state, it feels real, and you're lying next to me and I roll over to give you a cuddle but you're not there.
I cannot bare the thought of you with someone else, makes me feel physically sick, but at the same time I want you to be happy.
Everything I thought I understood about life is upside down, nothing makes sense, so in another life, maybe another time, maybe a different set of circumstances where I'd had the benefit of hindsight, we'd have grown old together.
I'm sorry mush.
I write to you daily, but I just send it to myself, I really am a pathetic man nowadays.
It was always supposed to be r&d, us against the world.
We started off great but life threw a lot of shit our way and I tried my best to take the brunt of it to shelter you from it but it weighed me down.
Your insecurities which I always tried to build you up began to feel like a burden, and then the not trusting me everytime or questioning what I was doing each time felt like another weight on my shoulders.
We had a long conversation, many actually, about how you were pushing me away and you were going to stop.
But instead it went the opposite way, and not only did you push me but I full on fell off every possible thing there was left to cling onto.
I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me.
I sit here and think about the memories, even the arguments, the first time we met, the first kiss we shared.
I miss waking up to you, talking to you, touching you.
After we broke up the first time i didn't deal with it in the right way, i tried to distract myself with someone else.
But now I have that option, the only person I want is you, I just sit alone looking at pictures of us before life got too tough for us both to bare.
Maybe one day you'd forgive me enough for me to speak to you, but I guess I dont deserve it.
I wish i could take away the pain i caused you and fill it with love and hope, and thats probably what hurts the most, that i never wanted to hurt you the way I did.
And there's nothing I can do to make it right.
D x