2 year soul destroying relationship ended and I don’t know what was real anymore
Long post incoming. 2 year relationship ended and I genuinely don’t know what was real anymore. I tried so hard but you just can’t make something happen that makes no sense..
Please don’t judge me for staying. I know reading this from the outside probably makes it seem painfully obvious that we were incompatible, but when you’re in it and attached it’s impossible.
We’ve now gone no contact after a 2 year relationship that honestly reduced me to someone I barely recognise. I was far from perfect - by the end I was anxious, panicked, emotionally reactive, constantly trying to explain why certain things hurt me while feeling like I was losing control of myself in the process.
I became obsessed with trying to feel emotionally safe with someone who I don’t think had the capacity for real emotional intimacy. It felt like he wanted the benefits of a relationship without the actual connection. Sometimes it felt like I was in a relationship entirely alone.
I need to vent it all out to give context, because there’s so much of it:
- He told me he thought his ex was unattractive but dated her anyway. It made me think: what stops him saying that about me one day?
- His approach to dating apps was extremely cold and methodical - swipe left on everyone, wait to see who matched him, pick from those, copy/paste the same lines. It weirded me out.
- He moved on from his ex incredibly quickly. When he met her again later, she apparently asked if they could get back together, and he didn’t tell her he was already with me, assuming this was to protect her feelings.
- Early on he constantly talked about his ex despite me saying it upset me, describing her as this “strong woman” in a way that made me feel like I had something to live up to.
- Two weeks into dating, I discovered he was still messaging a girl he’d previously gone on dates with because a notification popped up on his phone while he was showing me something. He said they didn’t have a romantic connection but got along well so he kept her as a friend. In ways it was fine as we were very new to dating each other, but she didn’t care about us dating so she still acted flirtatiously and he would’ve kept her there if I hadn’t stated my boundary. I later found out - after dragging information out of him - that they’d actually slept together casually but thought it was okay to keep her as a friend. He also said he “wasn’t attracted” to girls with her body type but slept with her to “see if he liked it,” which honestly disturbed me.
- He had another female gaming friend he was weirdly defensive and secretive about, insisting there was nothing there and they barely talk. Then I found comments from him on her selfies like “😍😍😍”, which he brushed off as “jokes” because he’d supposedly helped her with body image issues. It’s so normal to have friends of other genders, but his friends of other genders always had something about them that he needed to gatekeep.. or they were super ridiculously overconfident and seemed to potentially have a thing for him (he’s an attractive and outwardly friendly guy.)
- He asked if my best friend was single after meeting her. ??? Also if there was a new girl joining the group for a social thing he’d ask me “what did you find out about her?” ??
- “Jokingly” asked if I would ever have a threesome while we were just sitting in a pub.
- He invited me on a trip to America then suddenly took the invite back because he wanted complete freedom to travel for as long as he wanted. I was genuinely excited for him, but it hurt feeling like I could just be picked up and dropped whenever it suited him.
- He tried to subtly influence how I dressed - wanting revealing clothes sometimes, then also claiming he preferred modesty.
- When we travelled together, I rarely felt like a team with him. I often ended up travelling alone because he prioritised whatever suited him most. When camping with other couples, they went to be together in their tents at night and he decided he would leave me and go kayaking!
- He openly watched thirst traps/social media girls in front of me and became defensive whenever I said it made me uncomfortable and that there’s less of a gap between them and watching and appreciating the attractiveness of a celebrity. He eventually stopped, but his justification was basically that he’d been single before me so those habits were already there.
- On a ski trip he liked a TikTok of two girls dancing in military uniforms in a way that felt very thirst-trappy to me. Because of previous issues around him openly watching that kind of content, it triggered me badly. I withdrew emotionally and he got frustrated, insisting he just “supported the army” and liked dancing. The whole trip became tense and we nearly broke up over it.
- On that same trip he laughed at me for crossing the road too cautiously, acting like I was ridiculous for being careful. He claimed he was “just joking,” but it often felt like he subtly mocked traits that made me feel vulnerable. I ended up going back to the apartment alone to calm myself down while he carried on skiing annoyed at me for reacting the way I did.
- One time he suddenly pulled my joggers down from behind because he wanted sex. I cried afterwards because it felt invasive and humiliating.
- He kept photos of his ex on Instagram despite knowing it hurt me, but never posted me once. He eventually archived them. I know some people like to keep photos for the memories, but surely if it hurts your partner it’s worth doing when they ask. Idk
- He gave a female colleague lifts home late at night and only told me when I asked. She was a particularly flirty colleague who messaged him sometimes. It’s normal to give colleagues a lift, and I’m glad he wants to help women so they aren’t stranded late at night but again this just felt off. Don’t know why. Probably because of the other things that happened.
- He was intensely competitive about everything - sports, hiking, even casual activities. Everything felt like a performance or test instead of just enjoying time together.
- He constantly debated me politically and seemed incapable of letting differing opinions exist peacefully.
- He’d patronisingly “teach” me how to clean or do things properly around his house.
- He once got genuinely frustrated and made me cry because I accidentally switched a plug socket off out of habit and his work iPad didn’t charge when he plugged it in after I’d gone home.
- After I had a panic attack skiing, later that day in a cafeteria I was leaning over to tighten my boots and he grabbed my head as a “joke” pretending I was giving him oral sex in public while families were around looking in shock. I felt mortified.
- He slapped my ass one time at my flat and I jokingly said ‘nooo’ and he replied: ‘whaaat, if you wear those leggings you’re asking for it!’ 🙃
- One night about 5 months before we finished, I called him drunk and in a really dark mental state (I am completely ashamed that I let this get me to that place.) He thought something serious might have happened to me, drove to my house, tried calling repeatedly, then eventually left frustrated after about 40 minutes when I didn’t answer. I know I shouldn’t have put him in that position and relied on him and I take responsibility for how unwell I’d become, but part of me still struggles with the fact he never contacted police, my mum, or anyone else to check if I was safe. I felt absolutely terrible about it. I bought him flowers and a present the day after to ask him to forgive me. He got me to phone Samaritans. It was a scary time. He held this on me for the rest of the relationship and used it as a reason for the break up, saying it traumatised him. I understand though.
- There was always this understanding that his future plans came first. He talked constantly about eventually moving back home or leaving the country, and it always felt like I was expected to fit into his life decisions rather than us making decisions together as a couple.
- Toward the end, his sister came to visit for 2 months. I genuinely wanted him to enjoy that family time and I never expected to come first, but it started to feel like there was no space left for our relationship at all. Other than spending time together with his sister around, he barely made any effort for us to have quality time alone together. In about 3 weeks, we spent maybe half a day alone as a couple. I didn’t want to be the “bad guy” asking him to take time away from family, so I kept trying to be understanding, but eventually I felt completely disregarded and emotionally abandoned. We were meant to go on holiday the month after so he suggested that we could celebrate our 2 month anniversary AND my birthday during that trip instead. When I wanted to see him properly to reconnect he wanted it to wait “a few more days.” In the end, I spiralled over feeling unwanted and unimportant, and before we ever got the chance to reconnect properly, he broke up with me.
I spiralled badly over trust issues and insecurity by the end. I know I became exhausting too and we were so very unhealthy for each other. Every conversation became hours long because I never felt emotionally understood or reassured.
The thing is, I KNOW I became reactive. I know I lost myself. I know I developed unhealthy anxiety in this relationship. But deep down I also feel like my nervous system was responding to inconsistency, weak boundaries, mixed signals, defensiveness, and emotional distance from the very beginning.
I remember telling him near the start that I thought our values were different, but we pushed on because the connection felt strong.
In the end he said he “couldn’t be the partner I needed.”
He said he loved me, but his version of “healthy” often felt like emotional distance that worked for him more than for us. It took him 16 months to say he loved me.
And he broke up with me the same week my mum had cancer surgery and a week before my birthday.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for here really. Maybe I just want a bit of relatability, and to know if anyone else has experienced becoming someone anxious and emotionally unwell in a relationship that constantly made them question themselves.