18f please......just read this and consider me....i just need a little bit of genuine affection [TW- dony read when little]
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So ill start by saying that I am an actual persij wih alot of emotions and wounds so treat me like one. Don't dm is at all if you are gonna be a creep, bot , dry , neglect after an hour , if you'll just be neglectful and dry then its as good as ghosting. And dont be sexual dont , not AT ALL, not at first, not directly, not indirectly, not hoping to make me do it afyer i get vulnerable and am week, not hoping to convince me, not hoping to make me want to do it. The first reaction at hearing my trauma shouldn't be "ohh lemme help you overcome it by doing sexual stuff with me ill make you feel safe" but instead should be "you don't have to ever do that with me, your power is yours now". In no way sexualize me, NONE, AT ALL.
Now moving forward i have a very very complicated life, a very complicated circumstance. I suffer from SEVERE trauma , CPTSD, BPD, AHDH, CFS, crippling anxiety attack, debilitating deppression and many issues that come in sub divisions of the ones above. My real life is completely bad...and i have lost all of my spark. I am gaurded, skittish, closed off, scared, my mind is broken down all over. But even then I deserve love....i truly do...just like every other person does and i shouldn't have to beg for it or constantly try to "earn" it. I am just as deserving as anybody.
I am borken , that's what ill start with and not in the way where people would feel that urge to come and fix me....the sweet innocent little girl no. I am torn down to pieces, shattered to the point that even i cant see those pieces anymore. I am broken in such an ugly way that most night i shake for hours on end trying to keep myself from hurting my body any more than I already have. My insides have been hollowed out completed by every single time that somebody has taken pieces of me away, stolen them. Yes i am gaurded, yes i am distrustful, scared, terrified, pessimistic and i yes I push people away but that is only because I have been abandoned by thousands of people back to back every single day for years and only because I have given kindness to the world evebn while my body and mind were staring to collapse from it all and still have not received a speck od kindness without a high price tag attached. Because not one single person has ever care to stay for me....ever cared to just be truly patient and see past the shattered pieces laying around nad just love me lonh enough to make me believe it. Because not once have i been the the recieving end of care or love or protection. I am sorry I have got nothing to offer and taht i have got a disease called BPD \\\[borderline personality disorder\\\] that makes me feel like a monster inside and act out i am sorry that I cant carry all of its burden alone anytmore. Im sorry if that makes you leave me. I flinch at every movement, my mind perceives every person as a threat , every word spoken to me feels like a lie. Everything in my life, every tiny little thing is tainted and has a trauma story behind it, something as small and mundane as pizza so yes questions like "what you do for fun" "do you go out" "do you have any pets" "did you sleep" feel like stabs at my already bleeding wounds cause how am I supposed to answer with a "i am in bed chronically ill, but shaking from crippling anxiety and fear due to my abusers being in the same house and having access to me anytime. And no I dont have hobbies because I can barely shower and eat and i no I dont go out at all because I live in the dirtiest ans most polluted country in the world environmental index and my illlnes gets worse if i try to go out.". Ik nobody would like that answer but what else am I supposed to do why cant I have friends or a boyfriend just cause of my circumstances.
Now i am in one of the most complex and painful situations possible and i am struggling to even survive here.
Especially the nights have become worst and worst due to nightmars, BPD and anxiety episodes and my body going into survival mode.
Nobody has stayed with mr ever in my life and where I live is a completely selfish and loveless place and fining a cg is impossible you cant even find a friend or alley.
Also online I have been ghosted and pushed out constantly due to my terrible location but im a person too and in a life of years of pure pain I think I do desedve a little care and not to get pushed aside just because of my circumstances that i have not created but was put in.
Soo i really really am hoping to find somebody here who is kind, gentle , INCREDIBLY patient and has the ability to see me as a person and not just whatever this world has made me to be....
I can be mean yes....i am very gaurded and i cant seem to open up or trust and i am extremely skittish with new people because of how much people have left me and my BPD. so please please be extra patient with me.
I need alot of time and reassurance, cant handle late texts, please be able to call me every night during bedtime, again cant handle being kept on read at all especially if you are online and decide to just ignore.