u/Flashy_Rutabaga_5886

I don’t even know where to begin or why i’m even writing this. Every day just blends into the next. Every week and month. The years have just gone bye and it’s left me feeling at 56 years of age like the whole life journey has been a waste of time. I feel this way but, i’ve done some exciting, crazy stuff. I’ve traveled etc but now I feel lost. I’m not feeling sorry myself. I think a lot of us at this point in our lives feel the same way. I don’t care about anything anymore. I feel so let down by everyone and everything.

A spaceship could land in my back yard and I wouldn’t think twice about it. I feel so alone even though I have a family and a group of childhood friends. I grew up in a “Sandlot” type neighborhood There were actually 36 boys of various ages in a 4 block radius. We were all lower middle class and were living in duplexes. I didn’t know we were poor. My mom God bless her always made sure I had 50 cents for the ice cream truck. Those were the best years of my life. Growing up in the neighborhood I grew up in and with the guys I grew up with. We still keep in touch, but like the world today via text. It sucks. I don’t even consider them friends but more like family who I would do anything for and yet we can’t even get together for lunch on a weekend.

I’ve been depressed for years. I have PTSD from my previous job. I’ve been let down so many times that I truly feel like I’m alone. I just got divorced after 22 years. My wife had an affair. Some of you are aware of the whole thing as i’ve written about it here a bit. When i’m asked how i’m doing I always lie and say fine. Don’t we all? I think we all do that. No one wants to hear your or my problems. I’ve lived a pretty exciting life. I wasn’t cut out for a desk job so I became a police officer.

A few of the older kids in my neighborhood became police officersi and I followed in their footsteps. A few of the other guys were smarter and became firefighters. Some of us did very well for themselves. Business owners and one became famous in the body building sports nutrition business and is now a multimillionaire. Not bad for a kid who grew up in a duplex. I’m proud and happy for him. Im happy for all of us. We made our parents proud. The best years of my life were spent with these guys. Junior High and High School years.

I became a police officer. I worked the majority of my career in a very rough part of town. Miami’s Liberty City area. In the beginning It was exciting and fun. That lasts about 10 years but at some point around then it changed and it really affected me. After being shot at 5 times once in a car chase with an AK47 it changes you. All the fights and injuries. The close calls. The terrible politics within the police department. It affected a lot of the friends and guys I worked with. The guys who never left. The guys who worked there for years. Imagine your week goes something like this, 3-5 contact shootings a week just on your shift sometimes more. Having to deal with the chaos on the scene. The person shot, the blood, the family is freaking out and the bystanders are all in the way. I have held the hand of well over a dozen dying shooting victims. Ive talked to them knowing they are dying and trying to console them. The domestic calls, violence, mental illness. The calls involving children are the hardest. I was the first officer on a call where a 4 year old was raped by a family member. The sounds of her crying / moaning / pain I still hear it clearly like it just happened.

The suicides always bothered me. Decomposing bodies are a nightmare. The smell! Some of them I think of often. There was an elderly woman who no one knew or cared about. Neighbors called because of the smell. We found her hanging from a fruit tree in her backyard. Her entire head was covered in flys. You couldn’t make out any facial features. Her house had no electricity or running water. There was a huge hole on the side of her house where part of the wall fell down and now nature had slowly started growing into her home. The room was overtaken with weeds. No one cared about this woman or the conditions she lived in. Maybe she had no family, who knows but it’s sad. In the end she killed herself. I can’t say I blame her.

Then there was the time where I realized how fucked up I had become. There was a car accident and an elderly man was trapped inside his car. He was crushed and dying. I was given the call which upset me greatly not because this poor man was dying i. front of me but because I couldn’t go meet my coworkers for lunch at of all places Mc Donald’s. That’s how desensitized I became. I cared more about going to eat with my friends than this dying man. How’s that for being a piece of shit human being. The thing is I realized it. It was a coping mechanism. No one calls the police when things are good. All you see day in and day out is the worst in people. I didn’t want to see this man die I just wanted to go sit down with
my friends.

This will sound silly considering all the death and violence i’ve witnessed and experienced first hand but my saddest call and the one I have thought of the most over the years was of a man who had called the suicide hotline. They kept him on the line long enough and we got dispatched to his house (a one bedroom apartment). I was the backup officer on this call. As the lead officer was speaking with the man I proceeded to secure the apartment to make sure the environment was safe etc. I noticed that everywhere in this man’s small apartment were photos of a dog. This dog was a mid sized dog. I couldn’t make out the breed but I definitely know this man loved that dog. The dog had a funny look / vibe to him. He had photos of this little dog dressed in a cowboy costume wearing a hat and other various costumes and photos all over the apartment. The man was there and so were we but no dog. The dog was gone. I never found out what to the dog. Did he pass or run away? This man was so lonely and was contemplating killing himself because he missed his dog. I remember getting back in my police car and I started to cry. I’ve given cpr to a newborn who didn’t make it and I didn’t cry. I’ve seen abused children and elderly. Car wrecks involving children and not a tear but this guy and his silly looking dog is what got me. Depending on the area where you work these are regular occurrences. This is the stuff you deal with day in and day out.

The department doesn’t care either. Back in the day in Liberty City thy were happy if you just showed up to work. The whole “mental health” thing wasn’t a priority. Well for police officers it wasn’t. So I know now that the job fucked me up. Have you ever seen the pixar film “CARS”. I think i’ve seen it 1000 times. My son and I use to watch it together daily when he was little. It was “our” movie. It was on cable recently and I recorded it. I watch it when i’m alone now a few days a week and I cry like a baby. The scene where the town fixes all their neon signs and they all start cursing the strip. Why does that make me cry? What is wrong with me ? lol. I feel like there no point to anything anymore.
.
Is it wrong to want to just be by myself? Do I have to always be doing something? Is it ok if I just sit and read a book for 3 hours or do my hobbies that I like? Why do I feel like i’m a failure? I haven’t done anything wrong but I feel like a fucking loser. My house is paid off but I feel like if I’m not doing something I’m a loser. I have hobbies that I do but i still feel this way. I don’t want another relationship. I want peace in my life but the peace and quiet make me feel like i’m doing something wrong. I’m losing mind. I feel like i’m all fucked up but when asked “how are you doing?” …. I say “I’m GREAT”. I’m far from it.

I’m angry that my life turned out the way it has. The police department used me (so many of us) and just threw us away. This is going to sound like i’m egotistical and I don’t mean it that way but I’m a good guy. I don’t do things in hopes of getting something in return. I have a big heart. I go out of my way for others even strangers, Its just who I am but it’s gotten me nothing but fucked over. I’m miserable and i’m tired of people because i’ve come to believe that the overwhelming majority of them are fake and couldn’t care less if I dropped over dead. They would step over my body to get a latte from Starbucks.

I hate my life. I feel like it’s been on hold for years. All the time I wasted because of my ex. I don’t remember what it’s like to be genuinely happy anymore. Happiness ? WTF is that ?

Songs NOT bands that sound like they could have been written by VU