ENTP with bpd?
Short intro about my personality and 9wings: I am entp-a and 5w6.
As an entp I have always noticed a pattern that in my freshmen and sophomore year I always suppressed my feeling of emptiness by forcing myself to study and hitting the gym. I was always a self-disciplined person, I would get lazy at study but when I knew I needed to get my ass up and study I never allowed pain to stop me from doing it. For me emotions were like puzzle that needed to be solved, more of like math problem set. Whenever I felt depressed or anxious I always tried to analyze why I felt this way and how to solve it. I also never disclose my emotions to others because I made all my life choice growing up, my childhood told me to not rely on other people’s words, and no one has obligation to take care of my emotions. Later my friends who are both intp told me emotions aren’t something you can solve, and my intj friend told me I have to learn how to live with my emotions. Now it is the part that puzzles me. My best friend told me I have some bpd traits inside of me, as I told him how I feel empty all the time, how my emotions are mostly numb but when i can feel them they can literally tore me up. I instantly felt that all my pain was getting validated, such a relief. I had to slap myself to stop crying, and to a point I could no longer take it all in and force myself to study. The worst part was entp I always had difficulty realizing that I was sad, I literally could only knew I was sad when my chest started to hurt, it felt like splitting apart, and when I started to cry. To cope with it I created solutions such as creating inner elder sister to take care of me so that I can have safety space to cry without feeling guilty or numbing myself; allowing myself to sit and feel my emotions without thinking about study and work. I am really self aware of myself and have tried to seek help from therapy, but at the same time my bpd traits haunts me and I think entp in general would struggle more from bpd. For all being said, I am really proud of me from surviving an abusive relationshi, struggling with who I am and still am here. To every other entp who is strug with bpd, we are on the same boat and everything is tough but we gonna fight till the end.