u/Flat-Rhubarb5630

Man it felt good. I told him he was a coward, that everyone around me called him a coward and that I defended him because I believed he wasn't but then I got to the point where there was no other words left standing other than the fact that he's just a coward. I said that with the way he acted, I never questioned myself and never thought what was wrong with me. I only ever wondered what was wrong with him. Man that felt good too. Saying it in a calm tone was the kicker too. Can't paint me as being aggressive or mad, just severely disappointed.

Don't get me wrong, at the time when I saw his face shift when I said these things, I felt bad. I am naturally highly empathetic and still was attuned to how he was feeling. I know he's not malicious but he handled things SO badly. Upon reflection, it feels good. If he won't hold himself accountable, my words will, even just for those few minutes.

I didn't realize people could be this cowardly. What a horrific way to be. We all have trauma which I can empathize with but throwing people away like they're garbage when you were in love with them the day before, can alter brain chemistry. I understand part of it is a nervous system response, but the other part is that you're just a gutless coward.

Someone explain to me avoidants and going MIA on socials when they get with someone. Not always deleted, just dormant. Not adding that person they’re dating on Facebook after 6 months when they’re active on it. Playing social media gymnastics as far of what account is following what so nothing is properly traceable and it’s always explainable in some way. That seems exhausting to keep up. Can an FA explain? Or someone who knows. Mind boggling.

And if they do? What does that actually entail? Just a decision to be different? Or a want to be different? Is it something that can just be done? Genuinely curious as to what everyone thinks?

If a girl reached out to you while you just started dating your avoidant, very early days, and said hey major heads up, this guy does xyz, you should be aware.. Would you have wanted to know that info? I wish someone told me.

My FA was horrible to me and when we met up months later, I called him a coward. That everyone in my life also called him a coward and that I spent so long defending him and eventually there was nothing else to defend. I actually felt bad after I said this too because I saw it land but it had to be said. It was out of control. If there's anyone here who has been called a coward, how did that feel?

We met up 8 months after the break up after having one of the deepest connections I've ever experienced. He was insanely confused around the 180 he did on his feelings for me after we had a big discussion around his contradictions that I called out. Then I left the country for 3 months. When we finally met up to talk, he said even until this day he has no idea why his feelings changed, hasn't started therapy, seemed genuinley confused by it all. The convo we had wasn't to get back together, it was just to understand what happened and he said he avoided this convo earlier because he still couldn't explain how his feelings could do a 180 in 10 days. He said on the walk that after the rupture the night before I went overseas, he didn't feel like he wanted to repair whereas in the past with other exes, he did. He had also previously said the feelings he had for me were the biggest he'd remembered ever having for anyone. After the walk I sent this text to him. Just wondering other FA's if you got this text, how would you feel? I wanted to be gentle but I so want him to get the help for himself. Not for us to reconnect. Just wanted to plant a seed for him. He responded saying that the message was good food for thought. I never replied after that, didn't want him to feel pressure.

"Something I held back tonight was that people with fearful avoidant attachment often find it easier to fight for relationships/connections where the feelings aren’t really that deep. That’s how people end up settling in things that don’t trigger them and just end up going through the motions. When something really matters, the system works in reverse. It detaches hard to protect. It mistakes fear of genuine vulnerability for a sign it wasn’t meant to be. That’s massive self protection. 

You said you were still really confused by why that happened, especially given it was after I left.  That’s why I’m telling you that might be why, or maybe not. Just might be helpful info for you. You don’t have to reply to this one, might be a lot lmao. Take care."