Lost, lonely and tired
Been married for 20 years and marriage was never great. Both kids are neurodivergent. shes an avoidant and i am anxiously attached. I have been in intense therapy for a couple of years and the more i heal, the more i am realizing the things i am doing wrong and seeing patterns. As any married couple, we have had our fair share of struggles over the year.
Over the past couple of years, we have grown apart. Everytime i ask for something small like going for dinner or even have coffee, she seems not to want to. She expects us to live like roommates, does her own shopping and stuff. Any ask for intimacy is met with shaming and name calling as clingy / needy. I have grown bitter and resentful because of all this and shows up as anger.
We both no longer meet each others needs and i am heartbroken thinking about the kids if we decide to split. For the entire 20 years she has threatened to divorce me with me begging / chasing but now for the first time i am standing up and saying lets separate.
I know i am rambling but when is it time to throw in the towel. Both of us are in early 40s, make the same amount of $ and have to split savings / home etc. I would wanna buy out the home since she has family around and i dont. Am i over reacting?