Truama with girl from Gaza Strip
Experience with girl from Gaza THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST just a vent.
I want to start by saying that I’m not a good person. I’m flawed and I have my shortcomings, but I’m sincerely trying to do better, even while dealing with CPTSD and ADHD. It’s hard but I’m trying.
I went through severe trauma and experienced a period where I left Islam, hated the religion and hated Muslims.
I didn’t drink or commit zina(sex outside of marriage). I was just dealing with PTSD, the raw depths of it, and the demon of depression that came when everything became normal again. I hated everything and everyone. I still struggle with that, but I’m getting better.
I came across this person from Gaza who had also experienced trauma. She had been relatively middle-class and had a functional life in Gaza. Knowing her made me start to hate less, because hating Muslims also meant hating her and other ordinary people like her.
She also had issues with religion because of something that had happened in her life, which she blamed for. She had also survived being hit in a missile strike.
We bonded deeply. Because of the gravity of her situation in Gaza, I didn’t pursue anything remotely “spicy”, because that would have been the trashiest thing on Earth. I wanted her to be able to trust again, and I wanted her to know that I had no ulterior motive, so I always kept things wholesome.
I sometimes felt bad telling her about the nice things I was doing, such as going on holiday. I did tell her that one day we would go to Paris, I’d take her shopping and we’d go to a bougie restaurant, but I emphasised that it wouldn’t be a date just a wholesome time.
She was a very attractive woman, but I’d say I’m also attractive. Sometimes I felt like she wanted me to chase her, which annoyed me. It also seemed at times she fished for compliments and I really didn’t like that.
She would send pictures that could be considered thirst traps. In response, I’d sometimes send pics of myself, indirectly trying to communicate: “I don’t need to chase a woman. Look at me.”
But then I’d remind her that I wasn’t there to play games, and im not here for all that.
Generally, we would go back and forth talking about trauma, dealing with hatred and discussing books we had read. We would bounce ideas off each other for projects, particularly charity projects aimed at vulnerable adults and children experiencing poverty.
That made up a huge amount of our conversations, and we’ve done a lot of good together. Many people have been fed because of things we worked on together.
When I tried to end my life, she video-called me and reminded me of all the good things we had been doing and that we got so much to do. Likewise, when she was having difficult moments, I would call her and reassure her that things were going to be okay.
I told her that when she eventually left Gaza and reached Spain, her nervous system might finally begin to calm down, and that all the thoughts and emotions she had been repressing for years could come flooding back. I told her to really take care of herself because the demon of depression will emerge.
When she left Gaza, she was lonely, and we became very, very close.
Part of me expected her eventually to ask me for things or imply that she needed something, especially because she had effectively left Gaza with the clothes on her back. I asked her whether she needed any money. She said no, which genuinely surprised me. She just told me to stay by her side.
She would sometimes make comments suggesting that I only spoke to her because she was from Gaza and that I pitied her. She once described it as me “practising kindness” on her, and she sounded slightly resentful.
I called her out on this quite bluntly and said we have both been there for each other equally and I don’t pity her, that most of our conversations aren’t even about Gaza . She had also mentioned, before resentfully, that Palestinians are often only looked at with pity and how she does not like it at all.
Once she was in Spain, she became more open. She would video-call me while dressed in a way that, , wasn’t appropriate for a Muslim girl AT ALL. I felt as though she was deliberately trying to arouse me into chasing her by looking like that.
I didn’t take the bait and saw through it. Instead, I told her how I had made a girl blush that day just by looking at her today. I acted extremely cocky while deliberately refusing to acknowledge what she was wearing.( I have a trauma response to feeling manipulated I can’t help it)
I became frustrated because I didn’t want to play this game with her. It felt shallow and stupid. I felt as though she was trying to manipulate me or play the role of a siren, and I really didn’t like it.
One day, I was tired and fed up with this performance, so I asked her, “When are you going to take this mask off?”
She replied, “What mask?”
I told her, somewhat playfully, “I don’t believe half of what you say. You’re wearing a mask. I see through you. You’re hiding so much from me, as if I can’t tell.”
I doubled down: “Stop all this. Show me the real you.”
And then she showed me a side of herself I hadn’t seen before.
She was angry, resentful and vindictive. She had survived a missile strike when she was 14, experienced physical abuse as a child by her step mother, been abandoned by her mother and had an ex-boyfriend cheat on her and leave gaza while she was still in Gaza.
She admitted that she speaks to loads of guys, has multiple boyfriends and partly does this as a form of revenge against her ex. She also told me that she hates men and hates everything and everyone and doesn’t trust anyone and that’s it all fake.
Apparently, I was the guy and friend she had spoken to for the longest because I had never really crossed any boundaries with her.
I was taken aback. I started wondering whether I had been an intended target as well, so I asked her, “All this time, were you just planning on using me?”
She took that extremely badly and told me to go to hell.
She then told me about her plans now that she was in Spain. I called her unhinged and crazy and told her that she needed therapy.(they were that bad and sociopathic )
She took that badly too.
She said she would talk to me later.
My final response was: “You are as bad as the rest of the world that you claim is evil.”
she responded
"I dont like you anymore"
"but im going to miss you tho"
Then she blocked me.
It’s been two days.
Now I don’t know how to feel about the entire interaction.
I don’t know how much of it was real. She helped me become a better person, and we genuinely did good things together. =But after everything she revealed to me, I feel deeply disappointed, I didn’t react the best way to what she said to me at the end but I don’t know if she was actually trying to use me and use me for revenge due to the fault of other men, because the plans she told me were deeply disturbing.
I feel I have a deep distrust of the world again