u/FoundedInsanity

Wondering if anyone else goes through this. I guess I’m in my am I actually borderline part of the month. I second guess myself all the time, tell myself nothing is real and that nothing truly bad has ever happened to me. Does anyone go through the “I feel nothing. Nothing. Until I feel everything?” I feel numb 90 percent of my life. Until I am triggered and then every bad thing that’s ever happened to me happens at once. So every emotion is on a level where it’s unbareable. I just feel like how can I have BPD if my normal life experience is that I am chronically disassociated, numb and without anything. Until an arguement, failure or something bad being brought up. Anyone feel like that?

Poem

For as long as I’ve known. I have been drowning.
Submerged so deeply in the very depths of darkness.
It became familiar to me, showed me the ropes.
Tomes of knowledge.
My areas of study?
Tragedy, sadness, anger, despair, pain, loneliness, emptiness.
I’m comfortable here now.
New learned feats cut off from me.
At the very edge of my manifested watery grave lay materials.
Subjects of happiness, acceptance, light and joy.
These works I am wholey unfamiliar with. It’s messaging unclear the depths sending warning signals, do not enter.
For traveling too far from its suffocating jaws causes my state to be a puzzle with incomplete pieces.
I take brief vacations into the world those materials might offer me. I feel the warmth and the air returning. The pieces becoming closer to alignment.
But what a cruel joke on behalf of the darkness, for it knows the only time my body can breath is when suffocating.
So I travel back.
Floating peacefully into the depths waiting jaws.
As I let the familiar swallow me whole.

Mf