Shocked and ashamed by my bitterness and resentment towards partner
Im too ashamed to talk to anyone about this, because I rather not put my partner in a bad position. Hopefully someone here will read this <3
Our baby is 10 months old now. Ive pretty much been the default parent from start. I EBF until starting solids as well, and I also cosleep with baby at night handling all of the night wake ups and also putting baby to sleep at night. My partner wants to help, and he is great with the baby. Baby adores him to bits and vice versa. But I also think he is a bit selfish. He doesn't really participate in babys routines in a way that I would like him to. Whenever he is going to "watch" baby he takes her for å walk in the neighborhood, goes to see his family that lives nearby. He doesn't think about food, wake windows and so on. He often acts on a whim and does whatever he feels like in the moment without thinking about the bigger picture, which I have to handle afterwards. This could be forgetting to give baby lunch or taking her out too close to bedtime (=overtired). When i go to put baby down for the night (baby refuses to go to sleep when he tries at the moment), he often goes out for a run/to visit someone/to hike in the local forest/fishing. Often without letting me know. He is supposed to do the "closing" shift of cleaning up the kitchen and living room, and to make dinner for us two. He often forgets. When he is with baby it's great and the play and laugh. But when he has something he needs done, he has no hesitation of leaving me to watch the baby and to prioritize himself and his own hobbies. As I am writing this he has left for a hiking trip for 5-6 days (he is not sure what day he will be home). I said yes to this request, but honestly I think I'm just too tired to get in contact with my own needs.
I have a great partner, which makes this so hard. He is a gentle man who kids and animal all love. But I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick and he is enjoying an easier, less complicated and much less tiring version of parenthood so far. I feel so much resentment for him keeping his old life, that this feeling has solidified as a numbness towards our relationship. And quite frankly bitterness and jealousy. Baby seems to prefer dad and lights up in his presence. We live in his downtown and his family loves to comment on how baby LOVES dad and WANTS dad every time we see them. It's making me sad and jealous, and I am so ashamed for it!. I feel like I too could get away with doing so much less and still have a great relationship with baby. Will I be the boring, default parent forever? Maybe things will be better when I go back to work in a few months?
How do I get out of this bad circle? I don't want to feel jealous of their relationship, it feels so bad! But it's so so rough to watch him getting to be the best dad for a limited time every day and to feel like baby is "stuck with me" for the rest of the day. I sometimes even feel like "what am i even doing here" , like is my time and effort really worth it? Im sure it is! But the feeling is draining.
Any advice?