I feel hopeless
Hello, first of all
I have been pulling out my hair since I was 12 years old. During some periods, I completely stop pulling it out, but I can’t remove it from my life entirely. I don’t pull out every hair; I pull out certain hairs in certain areas that feel different. I am not bald and I have never shaved my hair off. My hair is very long and there are some sparse areas in certain places. Since I have been pulling out my hair for 10 years, I am now very afraid that my hair will not grow back, and actually, in some areas, it doesn’t.
Since I was little, I connected the reason why I wasn’t loved to my appearance, and I started wearing makeup at the age of 11, and at the same time, I started pulling out my hair. During the times when my adolescence hit the hardest, I always suffered because of my hair, and in the end, I gave up. I started trying not to do it by getting very angry at myself. My hair grew, then again, then again, and 5 minutes before writing this, I was pulling it out too.
I also have some body-focused repetitive behaviors; I constantly move my left arm, and when I’m focused on something, I move my head. My serious boyfriend of 3 years wants me to stop these behaviors because he cares about my well-being, but most of the time I actually think he doesn’t understand me.
I have been receiving psychotherapy for 1 month, and I am looking for a psychiatrist in Turkey who specializes in this subject. I think I may have a problem like ADHD because when I first started pulling my hair out, my family took me to a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed with attention deficit and used some medications. I used Ritalin, Concerta, and Ketya; later, because these medications made me very sleepy, my family wanted me to stop taking them.
I can’t stop myself, I have completely lost my self-confidence and self-control. I truly feel very helpless. If there are any things you know that could help, please share them with me. I understand you; sometimes you say, “I wish I would just go bald and be done with it,” right? Fighting is so exhausting too...