AITA for raising my voice & giving my partner attitude after an ongoing issue of almost a year?
My boyfriend (30M) and I (27F) just got into an argument over Tupperware and I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore or if I’m justified in being this frustrated.
About a year ago, I started meal prepping for us sometimes during the week. I don’t do it every single week, but probably about half the time I’ll cook something for dinners/lunches and portion it into Tupperware containers for both of us to take to work.
The problem is: every single time my boyfriend takes one to work, he leaves the dirty container in his car or the garage afterward instead of bringing it inside and rinsing it out.
And I don’t mean overnight occasionally. I mean he has literally let 4–5 containers pile up at a time for a week or more with food still inside them. Pasta sauce, cottage cheese, fruit, leftovers, whatever. Sitting in a hot car or warm garage getting moldy, foul-smelling, disgusting, etc.
I have brought this up to him DOZENS of times over the past year. I’ve told him multiple times:
“Can you PLEASE just bring the container inside after work and rinse it out in the sink? I’m not even asking you to wash it, just rinse it.” (He has gotten a tiny bit better about it but the issue still largely remains)
His excuse is always that he’s tired after work and doesn’t want to carry a bunch of stuff inside. We both work 10-hour shifts. The only difference is he has a longer commute. But I still carry in my work bag, water bottle, coffee cup, lunch bag, etc. every day without issue.
Eventually I got so tired of dealing with moldy, stinky, rotten containers that I told him:
“If you leave them sitting for days/weeks and they get disgusting, I’m not washing them anymore. You can deal with them yourself.”
Fast forward to now. Last week I packed him yogurt and fruit in one of our containers. What did he do? Left it sitting dirty in the garage for a week. I saw it last night while he was showing me how he cleaned/organized the garage. Along with 2 more containers that he said supposedly “got lost in the move” 5 months ago. Whether that’s true or not, who knows. I didn’t even say anything about it. At this point, I usually don’t because I already know the runaround he’s going to give me.
Then this morning I went to pack my own lunch and realized one of my GOOD glass containers was missing. I asked where it was and he casually says he used it for his lunch yesterday.
I got upset because he already doesn’t take care of the regular plastic containers. I specifically value my glass containers and try to keep them nice. Sure enough, the glass container was still sitting dirty in his car with food in it.
So yes, I got frustrated. I raised my voice and basically said:
“Are you serious? You don’t even take care of the regular Tupperware. Why are you using my good containers?”
Immediately he got defensive and started focusing entirely on my tone and attitude instead of the actual issue. His argument was basically:
“How do you know I wasn’t going to bring it in later tonight? I was going to” Why would I assume that when his track record for an entire year says otherwise? Then he started saying things like “you know what? I’m just going to buy food every day at work” and “I’m going to get my own Tupperware containers” & the whole thing derailed into a big argument where we’re both cutting each other off, both raising our voices.
That’s the part driving me insane. Every time I bring this issue up, he completely sidesteps the actual problem and makes the conversation about my tone instead. Or if I bring it up casually in a calm manner, he gives me (in my opinion, pitiful) excuses.
And I’m honestly tired of feeling like I’m not allowed to ever be frustrated or emotional without suddenly becoming “just as wrong” because I had an attitude.
To be clear:
- I did not scream at him.
- I did not insult him.
- I did not call him names.
- I did not curse him out.
I was frustrated, stern, emotional, and had a tone. Because this has been an ongoing issue for almost a YEAR. Now he’s mad at me & equalizing the blame because I had an attitude..
What frustrates me most is that I feel like if he simply responded with:
“Yeah, I understand why you’re upset. I know I haven’t been consistent about bringing them in.”
this entire thing would calm down almost immediately.
Instead, I feel like I’m constantly dealing with defensiveness, excuses, and tone policing while the actual issue never fully gets resolved.
AITA?
TLDR: For almost a year, my boyfriend has repeatedly left dirty Tupperware containers with food still in them sitting in his car/garage for days or even weeks despite me asking him dozens of times to just bring them inside and rinse them out. I meal prep for us regularly, and I’m tired of dealing with moldy, foul-smelling containers.
The final straw was when he used one of my nicer glass containers (which I specifically try to keep nice because he doesn’t take care of the regular ones) and left that dirty in his car too. I got frustrated and raised my voice, and instead of acknowledging why I was upset, he immediately focused on my “tone” and got defensive.
Now he’s acting like we’re equally wrong because I had an attitude, while I feel like he’s completely avoiding accountability for a recurring issue I’ve been calmly bringing up for nearly a year.
Update: Thought I’d add a little aftermath. For context, he works night shift so he was just getting home from work while I was getting ready for work when this argument happened. I left the house (very upset) and shortly after I got to work, he texted me this:
“Sorry I used your Tupperware. It’s rinsed out and ready to run through the dishwasher. The way you just talked to me was NOT valid in any way though. I could understand your frustration but I can not justify being directly rude to each other. It’s not productive.” I have not responded. Actually I did out of frustration and emotion & quickly unsent it & decided to not engage. He has been asleep all day, but probably is awake now, getting ready for work and we haven’t texted or talked. This was his apology, at least for now. And I’m assuming he’s going to die on the hill of “yeah I’m wrong but so are you because of your attitude” when we have a conversation later over the phone.