u/FragrantCommunity664

My (27F) best friend (27F) and I have been best friends for about 14 years.

My boyfriend (30M) and I recently went through a really rough patch and were on the verge of breaking up. We took about a week apart, and during that time I went on a camping trip with my best friend and her boyfriend.

Some background is important. About 10-12 years ago, before I ever met my boyfriend, he and my best friend briefly hooked up a few times. They were never in a relationship, but they did have a sexual history.

Around that same time, my boyfriend did something I think was objectively wrong. His ex girlfriend found this and spread “rumors” around school and on social media, that he has admitted to me is true. He kept an album on his phone containing explicit or suggestive photos of women he’d been involved with. Some of the photos had been sent to him by the women themselves, or sent to him by his friends that received pictures from women, while others (including one of my best friend) were taken without their knowledge. Not explicit sexual ones, but ones in school or public. Still wrong, just context. He has admitted this happened, told me he’s deeply ashamed of it, and says he hasn’t been that person for over a decade. I don’t excuse what he did, and we’ve had to have many conversations about it to help me find peace and acceptance, which he has been more than willing to talk about for me and with me, but I’ve chosen to believe people can change because I’ve never seen anything remotely similar from him during our relationship. And he’s very transparent with his phone.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he specifically asked my best friend not to continue telling people about this because he was embarrassed and wanted to leave that part of his life behind. She agreed and promised she wouldn’t.

Fast forward to the camping trip. My best friend and her boyfriend were asking about my relationship because they thought we were probably breaking up. During that conversation, her boyfriend suddenly brought up my boyfriend’s old photo album and said he never wanted to hang out with my boyfriend again because of it.

That was the first time I realized my best friend had told him.

What bothered me wasn’t only that she told him. It was largely because she told him without giving the full context. She lied to her boyfriend about her true body count, past, and has never told him about her and my boyfriend’s past. She told him that her photos were in the album, but didn’t tell him that she and my boyfriend had previously hooked up or that one of the photos was one she had voluntarily sent him while they were seeing each other.

Because of that conversation, her boyfriend now wants nothing to do with mine.

After my boyfriend and I reconciled and decided to work on our relationship (we’ve even started couples therapy), I texted my best friend and confronted her. I did so very respectfully and I told her I understood that what my boyfriend did years ago was wrong, but I didn’t understand why she decided to voluntarily bring up a decade-old mistake that had nothing to do with why we were almost breaking up. I also told her I felt like she omitted important context that in turn, made him look even worse.

Her response was verbatim “wtf” “well you don’t have to worry about the tension from my boyfriend because he doesn’t want to hang out with him anymore” “If you’re upset because I didn’t keep your boyfriend’s dirty secret, fine. Why would I owe him any loyalty after what he’s been putting you through?” She also said she doesn’t want to be around him anymore anyway. I’d also like to add additional context for clarity; she never thought this past mistake of his was worthy of disliking him or disliking us together. She will defend him sometimes when I vent about an argument to her, saying something like “he’s a good man” or things along those lines. She even told me multiple times when he and I first started talking that “he’s always been a great guy” and “he’s a good guy, you better not hurt him” so I say all that to say, she never used his past against him or disliked him for it. In fact, they got along very well all this time until now.

For what it’s worth, I completely understand if she doesn’t like my boyfriend now because of things she’s seen happen during our relationship. That’s her choice, her opinion, and I can respect that. My issue is specifically that she aired out his dirty laundry, which had nothing to do with our rocky relationship, after she promised him she wouldn’t, all while being dishonest about her own and not giving the context and truth as to why and how she was involved in part of his dirty laundry, creating awkwardness and tension in our friend group that can’t really be undone.

I told my boyfriend and he was initially upset about it. He felt exposed, judged, etc. but he felt wronged because she specifically promised him she wouldn’t tell anyone about it and she also didn’t give true context. He feels as though she threw him under the bus while sitting on her faux high horse. He initially wanted to reach out to her boyfriend & tell him the truth himself but after thinking about it, he said he’s not going to do anything but will tell him the truth if her boyfriend ever asks him about it directly.

AITA for confronting her about it?

Edit: I’m not here to discuss whether his “spank bank” was disgusting or wrong, or if it’s unforgivable, or if he’s actually changed. It was objectively disgusting and wrong. However, that’s a conversation for him and I to have and work through. I’m also not here to discuss whether you agree with the term “body count” or if you think couples should have conversations about their past or not. I’m here to get opinions on if she’s justified in telling someone about his past, after she promised not to, while also lying about her own & omitting her part to play in his past that she decided to share.

My boyfriend (30M) and I (27F) just got into an argument over Tupperware and I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore or if I’m justified in being this frustrated.

About a year ago, I started meal prepping for us sometimes during the week. I don’t do it every single week, but probably about half the time I’ll cook something for dinners/lunches and portion it into Tupperware containers for both of us to take to work.

The problem is: every single time my boyfriend takes one to work, he leaves the dirty container in his car or the garage afterward instead of bringing it inside and rinsing it out.

And I don’t mean overnight occasionally. I mean he has literally let 4–5 containers pile up at a time for a week or more with food still inside them. Pasta sauce, cottage cheese, fruit, leftovers, whatever. Sitting in a hot car or warm garage getting moldy, foul-smelling, disgusting, etc.

I have brought this up to him DOZENS of times over the past year. I’ve told him multiple times:
“Can you PLEASE just bring the container inside after work and rinse it out in the sink? I’m not even asking you to wash it, just rinse it.” (He has gotten a tiny bit better about it but the issue still largely remains)

His excuse is always that he’s tired after work and doesn’t want to carry a bunch of stuff inside. We both work 10-hour shifts. The only difference is he has a longer commute. But I still carry in my work bag, water bottle, coffee cup, lunch bag, etc. every day without issue.

Eventually I got so tired of dealing with moldy, stinky, rotten containers that I told him:
“If you leave them sitting for days/weeks and they get disgusting, I’m not washing them anymore. You can deal with them yourself.”

Fast forward to now. Last week I packed him yogurt and fruit in one of our containers. What did he do? Left it sitting dirty in the garage for a week. I saw it last night while he was showing me how he cleaned/organized the garage. Along with 2 more containers that he said supposedly “got lost in the move” 5 months ago. Whether that’s true or not, who knows. I didn’t even say anything about it. At this point, I usually don’t because I already know the runaround he’s going to give me.

Then this morning I went to pack my own lunch and realized one of my GOOD glass containers was missing. I asked where it was and he casually says he used it for his lunch yesterday.

I got upset because he already doesn’t take care of the regular plastic containers. I specifically value my glass containers and try to keep them nice. Sure enough, the glass container was still sitting dirty in his car with food in it.

So yes, I got frustrated. I raised my voice and basically said:
“Are you serious? You don’t even take care of the regular Tupperware. Why are you using my good containers?”

Immediately he got defensive and started focusing entirely on my tone and attitude instead of the actual issue. His argument was basically:
“How do you know I wasn’t going to bring it in later tonight? I was going to” Why would I assume that when his track record for an entire year says otherwise? Then he started saying things like “you know what? I’m just going to buy food every day at work” and “I’m going to get my own Tupperware containers” & the whole thing derailed into a big argument where we’re both cutting each other off, both raising our voices.

That’s the part driving me insane. Every time I bring this issue up, he completely sidesteps the actual problem and makes the conversation about my tone instead. Or if I bring it up casually in a calm manner, he gives me (in my opinion, pitiful) excuses.

And I’m honestly tired of feeling like I’m not allowed to ever be frustrated or emotional without suddenly becoming “just as wrong” because I had an attitude.

To be clear:
- I did not scream at him.
- I did not insult him.
- I did not call him names.
- I did not curse him out.

I was frustrated, stern, emotional, and had a tone. Because this has been an ongoing issue for almost a YEAR. Now he’s mad at me & equalizing the blame because I had an attitude..

What frustrates me most is that I feel like if he simply responded with:
“Yeah, I understand why you’re upset. I know I haven’t been consistent about bringing them in.”
this entire thing would calm down almost immediately.

Instead, I feel like I’m constantly dealing with defensiveness, excuses, and tone policing while the actual issue never fully gets resolved.

AITA?

TLDR: For almost a year, my boyfriend has repeatedly left dirty Tupperware containers with food still in them sitting in his car/garage for days or even weeks despite me asking him dozens of times to just bring them inside and rinse them out. I meal prep for us regularly, and I’m tired of dealing with moldy, foul-smelling containers.

The final straw was when he used one of my nicer glass containers (which I specifically try to keep nice because he doesn’t take care of the regular ones) and left that dirty in his car too. I got frustrated and raised my voice, and instead of acknowledging why I was upset, he immediately focused on my “tone” and got defensive.

Now he’s acting like we’re equally wrong because I had an attitude, while I feel like he’s completely avoiding accountability for a recurring issue I’ve been calmly bringing up for nearly a year.

Update: Thought I’d add a little aftermath. For context, he works night shift so he was just getting home from work while I was getting ready for work when this argument happened. I left the house (very upset) and shortly after I got to work, he texted me this:

“Sorry I used your Tupperware. It’s rinsed out and ready to run through the dishwasher. The way you just talked to me was NOT valid in any way though. I could understand your frustration but I can not justify being directly rude to each other. It’s not productive.” I have not responded. Actually I did out of frustration and emotion & quickly unsent it & decided to not engage. He has been asleep all day, but probably is awake now, getting ready for work and we haven’t texted or talked. This was his apology, at least for now. And I’m assuming he’s going to die on the hill of “yeah I’m wrong but so are you because of your attitude” when we have a conversation later over the phone.