Can anyone relate?
I don't follow any religion but I think I believe that god exists. I don't know what god is, I just think there's probably something out there that started all of this.
I also don't mind any ideas like evolution.
I don't believe that one should be considered an apostate for choosing a religion after they mature. Kids never had a choice in belief, it's always been adopted from parents.
Living in a Muslim majority country I can't really make friends, so I'm alone with my thoughts. I've always been trying to find answers to existence, consciousness, morals, purpose. I could never stop thinking and analysing. In the classroom? Check. In the shower? Check. Cooking? Working out? Playing? Chatting online? You name it. I feel like an alien in the family. And I don't want to admit that I'm lonely. I'm not asking for friends or sugarcoating or shortcuts. I just want perspectives.
Being on the fence. Believing there might be a true religion vs living free of the bs and the noise of religion. Disappointed that I'm not convinced with Islam. Restless and I don't know what to do. I've never had peace while doing anything, I was extremely overanalytical for 6 whole years. can I ever feel peace? Do I need to be coping all the time? I mean humans by nature forget a lot. So should I be reminded of its absurdity all the time? Should I constantly be mocking and putting labels?
Muslims have a really obnoxious trait, overconfidence. It sounds euphoric to just adopt a religion, I'm really envious of anyone who's living in their own haven. I really wish I could just drop it all and live. Living with guarantees. a free and unbothered mind.
A lot of ex Muslims who feel attached to their old behaviour and manners. I am probably one of them. It's not shameful, it just feels like I've been in a highly toxic relationship with an OCD religion. There were some things I never dared to do, like calling the prophet a madman, weird and schizo. Mocking religious activities and how funny that megaphones are probably obligatory in mosques and many more things. Eating with the left hand oh no
I really feel like I want this constant daily dread to end. To stop researching and worrying once and for all.
I'm told I can't judge the religion by its people, but I don't care about the people in the equation. I really don't need 2 billion Muslims to act righteously nor for them to be 100% convinced of the religion to convince me. All it takes is one person who has gone through the thoughts and dark corners I've gone through, has actually made sense of it all and is not some Muslim who's brainrotted and obsessed with the word kafir. I have analysed every single Muslim I have ever seen. All the vibes and pragmatism never convinced me.
Sheikhs and the big apologetics are a main target for someone who's lost. They must be the best, right? Only to find how empty and stupid their arguments are. How immature, crazy and radical they are.
How do you expect me to be a Muslim when the majority of Muslims' faith depends on trusting a bunch of scholars. Holy overconfidence dude.. how do you live with such certainty and ego while your religion strongly depends on faith? There are literally degrees of faith in Islam. Have you got high imaan or are you certain? Which one is it? There was that one hadith talking about the last Muslim entering heaven after god letting him out of hellfire. I wonder what bad deeds he has done? Probably the most sinful shit ever, right? Well no cuz he's probably been takfired by now.
Do your research they say. I'll be the one who figures it out yeah? I have read the Qur'an. And let me tell you this, worst advice ever if you're trying to "revert" me. Every surah needs context of when, why, how and where it was sent. But naaaah, every muslim reads that shit like eating piles of hay. Maybe I'm wrong? Or maybe I should believe an egoistic mf who doesn't wanna admit if he interprets the verses it'll always be his own interpretations and only his. Do I dare to defy and doubt??? Quran 3:7
3:7 sahih international: {It is He who has sent down to you, [O Muḥammad], the Book; in it are verses [that are] precise - they are the foundation of the Book - and others unspecific. As for those in whose hearts is deviation [from truth], they will follow that of it which is unspecific, seeking discord and seeking an interpretation [suitable to them]. And no one knows its [true] interpretation except Allāh. But those firm in knowledge say, "We believe in it. All [of it] is from our Lord." And no one will be reminded except those of understanding}
Oh lord how vague and mysterious you are... You don't show yourself so I said maybe you're beyond physics to be shown. But hide and seek even in your holy book? What kind of life test is this?
Funny thing is that this same verse they may use also goes against their confidence with interpreting, rules, etc. you're so confident yet you really need scholars working 24/7 otherwise the religion fails and you don't want to consider the possibility of your interpretation to be wrong in any circumstance unless maybe daddy scholar comes and gives you permission. When I read the Qur'an all I feel is that this is a troubled and schizophrenic man's work. Nope don't let the voices convince you otherwise "oh you're not a madman" Or when I meet the verses that talk about how heaven is gonna be like. Literally everything opposite to a desert and matching the needs of their tribes. Virgins? Fruits? Flowing water? And of course the scorching heat middle easterns hate... Hellfire! Like really why did god ever feel the need to tell us about these things? Especially about the angels and there are ones with special roles. That there's a metaphysical throne and we can't imagine but it's a throne that he's metaphysically sitting on that exists somehow. You created life and that is already absurd, you're doubling down on the absurdity even in heavens. Tell me what I'm supposed to feel when I read or hear quran?
While writing this post it feels like I'm gonna be lightning stroked right after I click post. The amount of fear I was raised into was crazy.
But if I become a Muslim ain't no way I'm gonna be listening to that obnoxious azan, these people who make dua 24/7, say bismillah 3 times on an injury, neglect music like it's some satanic shit instead of something psychological and embrace its physics. The amount of fear... ghosts, black magic, evil eye, every kind of schizophrenia and ocd you need is right here come and get some!!!!! If you show this post to most dawah bros they'll probably say "ok so where's the argument that islam is false?" Don't cuss this kind of muslim. Not worth it
And the obsession over scholars and sheikhs. If you do not even cuss but just doubt for a tiny bit or say something's off about them, they'll defend him like if they're defending their honour. Noooo not ibn taymiya, he's like prophet mohammed! Hell maybe sitting on the throne with allah! You insulted sheikh john doe? YA KAFIR! y'all can't even agree on the same team. With different schools of thoughts and sects. Arguing over scholars like if it's an anime stand vs stand.
I don't think if God exists he'd ever create a religion that claims to guide yet hates them simultaneously.
A religion obsessed with disbelievers. You either meet an extremist muslim or one acting like it's all flowers and cute probably vlogging their life or something. I've met a few respectful and genuine people but damn they're rare. The ones that made sense were either secular or quranist, but still, the quran can't be it either. Can I ever be allowed to feel dread? Naaaaaah they'll take the opportunity to preach instead. "See! Told you so" the ego battles they wanna win are crazy. I can't stand their immaturity. They don't care about requirements for dawah, as long as the number is increasing they're happy. It's like gum or zombies. Spread the word but not the brains. I mean all I want is honesty, and you don't sound really honest.
I can't find anyone I can relate to. When I do, 99% of them have already become crazy indulging in heavy addictions and weird thoughts. And I feel bad. Does he or she deserve to be lost and confused and in the dark all the time? Only for some neckbeard to make them an example? No way mfs like these get to be at peace and I don't. For I am trying so hard and tensing my nerves only to see some idiot living to the fullest and I'm not.
I'm sick of questioning and second guessing every single thing I do or think. the OCD running through my veins. I can't enjoy anything. I really can't, what does "fun" mean? I'm sick of having no friends especially after the many friends I've lost being conflicted 24/7. No relationships as the ones I had I have pushed them away. I won't resort to any sort of copium, I won't drink or take any substance for the dread. I will face it straight ahead unlike you coward thinking god will punish you just for not being convinced so you stay in the religion hoping that it might be the truth and works out at the end. If that's your god keep him for yourself and keep feeding your delusions and fantasies.
If humans are inherently good then you'll know we don't need misguiding and empty written rules to decide our morals. I need the space to grow some humanity and decency, not polluted by rigid vague rules. If what's stopping you from murder, incest, rape, drugs, abuse, slavery etc is just that book? Oh sorry not slavery. Then that says a lot about you, you need help. I'm not gonna be cucked. when I'm having an existential crisis your lifeless asses will never be the answer. This isn't arrogance, I'm actually better than you. I have tried while you're sitting there obsessing like a young kid over some prophecies, scientific miracles and sheikhs. What a fragile faith foundation.
I wish I'd write more but I really wanna know about what y'all think, feel free to add anything else you might find interesting to share. I may also edit the post if needed.