u/Free-Law-7579

i’m currently sixteen and i’ve been self harming since i was eleven. a lot of people ask me when or how im going to stop, and i genuinely don’t know. my therapist asked me at what point in my life do i feel like im going to stop, i said i don’t know. i don’t feel a driving force to stop, i feel stuck. i feel like this is going to be with me forever. my dad loves to remind me of how much it’s going to change other people’s opinions on me and how those scars will be there for the rest of my life. my sister said at some point it feels almost juvenile. i can genuinely see myself still cutting when im forty. adults who cut themselves in their earlier years, how and when did you stop?

me and this guy have been talking for a while now, so much so we’ve attempted to plan a few dates but unfortunately have had to cancel multiple times. i really liked him. for background, i really struggle with depression and self harm, my arms are visibly covered in scars. i go to an establishment this boy works at, his mom owns it. she doesn’t want him to date anyone who goes there. he tried to talk to him mom about it and one of the first things she said to him was “you know she cuts herself, right?” that really bothered him (this was a couple nights ago.) i saw him again today and everything seemed totally chill. he called my friend afterwards talking about how he “can’t do it” because i cut myself. he debated even continuing to be my friend. this is the second time ive scared someone away because of my mental state. i’m not even that upset our romantic relationship is over, im more upset that he just suddenly doesn’t want me because i’m mentally ill. he said he’d intentionally stop inviting me to shit and texting so he doesn’t have to see me. this really makes me hate myself, but also reinforces my whole into older guys thing. someone older wouldn’t care. they’d accept me for who i am. i can’t date guys my age because they’re just not mature enough to “handle” my issues.

i've made numerous posts about my shitty issues but i'm not satisfied. i feel like i've never written it out thoroughly enough, so here i go. my dad grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who was present in his life, but nonetheless didn't have time for him. while my dad was growing up, he never had a good example of what a parent "should" be like. his parents got divorced when he was older (late teens/college?) and his step-mom treated him like shit. every adult in his life didn't function in a normal way. when my sister was born, my dad wasn't ready to be a father. she was a planned pregnancy, but nonetheless he wasn't prepared. all of my mom's attention shifted towards my sister, and my dad didn't like that. he grew some sort of resentment towards both of them. then i came along. they put a lot of effort into making my existence possible, i'm a surrogate baby. for as long as i can remember, my dad has been an asshole. constant arguing between him and my mom, always upset and my sister for something, and he had no patience. he was quite frankly, emotionally abusive towards the three of us. just screamed all the time. i remember when i was four and i put my shoes on the wrong feet and he got so angry at me. all throughout my childhood i can remember being horrified of him. he struggles with emotions and just never was able to empathize with us. he got angry when i cried, and he never showed much sympathy for our more negative emotions. when i was 10 years old, my sister began to struggle mentally. she was in and out of mental hospitals constantly, and it strained us further. my mom was exhausted, she had the life ripped out of her. my dad began to reflect on how much of a shit-head he was throughout our childhood. as my sister got worse, the attention shifted completely on her. i couldn't get attention from my parents and none of my friends would understand. i didn't tell anyone what i was going through because my dad taught me emotions were weak.

as time went on, my dad began making an effort to change which was weird for both me and my sister. i was still afraid of him, i wouldn't talk to him at home or in the car because i was afraid i would say the wrong thing and he'd get upset. he would yell at me for not talking, which just reinforced this feeling over and over again. i have a lot of guilt over it. my dad is decent enough to actually make an effort to change and i still have a strained relationship because of everything that has happened. the guilt eats me alive. don't get me wrong, my dad can still be a major asshole. he still doesn't understand our emotions. as my depression has gotten worse, he's gotten worse at understanding so i don't tell him anything.

while my sister was deep in her struggle, i learned the only way i could get attention, the only way my life has any meaning at all, is if i'm suffering. if i'm not miserable, who am i? nobody. i am nobody. people only look at me if i'm miserable. i'm completely starved of attention from the years i spent alone. this loneliness combined with my relationship with my dad has led me to have a stereotypical daddy-issues girl attachment to older men. every single one that comes into my real life i get attached to. either i wish they were my dad or i wish they loved me. or maybe even both. so, so, so many teachers have fallen victim to this from me. there's two of them i'm insanely attached to, but there's a major difference in that attachment. i wish one of them was my dad and i wish the other would have sex with me. why do my issues manifest sexually? i have no fucking idea and it drives me crazy. i hate myself for it. thats my speech, i'm done.

i’m so tired of getting overly attached to any man who gives me a scrap of attention. they’ll ask me how my weekend was and suddenly i’m wistfully thinking about a future where we develop a father-daughter like relationship. this happens with almost every man. like damn can my brain just cool it for five fucking seconds????

i wish i never started cutting so i wouldn’t have this issue in the first place, but some part of me (a large part) doesn’t want to stop. like i do, i know i should have better coping mechanisms, but i feel no urgency or motivation to stop. the only reason im “trying” to find other ways to cope is because other people want me to. no matter what people say to me, and believe me people have said so many things to try and get me to stop (obviously it’s not that easy), i feel no need to stop.