I'm afraid that Christianity isn't real, and Im scared to challenge my faith to get to a truth.
So basically I've been a christian for all my life i am 17M and my faith has entered an interesting zone. By that I mean I was stronger in my faith a year ago and I was going to church and youth groups often however I don't remember the reason exactly but I kinda just stopped going. I have not gone in over 6 months at this moment in time. Anyway, Im currently protestant but around 6 months ago or a little less I started becoming more logical in my faith. For example, let me make this clear I have not studied scripture a whole lot to come to theological consensus, but, all my logical reasoning skills i have developed over the course of my 17 years on this earth would tell me that catholicism/orthodoxy would be the most reliable branches of Christianity, a little moreso of orthodoxy but they both would be the most reliable as they are both the oldest. So, I bought a orthodox study bible which ive barely read, but when I did read it, I read parts of genesis and I know that some say that early genesis is supposed to be metaphorical or poetry, and others say its literal but after reading that I just was having a really hard time with that because I was thinking like, if this is like this what may that say about other parts of the Bible, and yes I get that they are technically all separate books but this is just how I was feeling. Anyway, over the last 2 months I would say i've gotten more into philosophy and havent really read my bible at all basically in months and I dont want to run off of feeling because feeling is very deceptive and unreliable but ive just started to have this feeling of fear that my faith isn't real. I'm not having doubt of the existence of God or a higher power, im just having a bit of doubt in Christianity if that makes sense. I am a very skeptical person I need to have solid reasoning for anything, if someone tells me something doesn't really matter who, I will fact check it by researching it to see if they are correct, I want the truth I dont want to have this chance of being wrong that comes with believing immediately what someone tells you if that makes sense. Right now i am kinda in this rut because I really want it to be real, I feel I need it to be, and I have the desire to challenge it to come to a truth because I need the truth I can't just take what ive been told and not challenge it that goes against my nature, i strive for the truth but, I am afraid of what I will find. I am afraid that I will break my faith because I want it, I want my faith it is a part of me and my identity and I am scared of what the world and everything will look like without that. Im just stuck and in this current position I am just kinda falling farther from my faith slowly because Im afraid to challenge it out of fear of breaking it and even though I know there is the chance that I find good reasoning and evidence for my faith, because of the fear of breaking it i am just stuck in limbo slowly falling farther and farther from my faith while not taking the chance of possibly renewing it and solidifying it completely. Im just scared and I don't know what to do, after all it is a scare thought just being a blip in the universe and having to make your own meaning/purpose.
Sorry if i over yapped just vented onto my screen/word vomitted, i've had this bottle up for a while to be honest.