u/Free_Sherbert10

I’m a real person and this isn’t AI but I put my post through AI so I could make this more concise and people will read. All info here is 100% what happened to me.

Age 18 (start of college): Desperate for intimacy and unable to get it from girls, decided to try being bi. Started forcing myself to jerk off to guys so sex would be easier to access — porn felt gross at first and didn’t work, but gradually I could finish to it. Also started jerking off to sissy porn around this time and liked it more than normal porn. These habits continue today.

Ages 18–22: Had a lot of sex with men — way too much. Enjoyed the intimacy, being naked in front of someone, and the feeling of being dominated by a guy bigger than me (I’m 5’6”). Would jerk off thinking about past hookups. But the actual acts — giving head, getting fucked — didn’t feel good, and I felt like a loser/beta afterward. Couldn’t get hard with men either, but they didn’t mind. One girl asked to have sex; I couldn’t get hard. She offered to try again, still couldn’t. Never had sex with a woman.

Age 22: Decided I was too old to keep secretly hooking up with men (still not out to anyone). Stopped having sex entirely except for one time in Europe I hooked up with a guy.

Age 22–24 (now): Feel less weird about myself after putting it behind me, but still lonely. Trying to quit masturbating, but it’s hard with no other sexual release. Bad at talking to women — barely get matches, get brutally rejected at bars/clubs. Still jerk off to men about half the time, partly trying to make myself gay because intimacy with men is so much easier to get. Still enjoy jerking off to women more and it doesn’t feel forced. Sissy porn habit continues.

Question: Am I gay with internalized homophobia, or should I stop pursuing men and try my hardest to get a girl? Sex with men isn’t something I hate — it’s still sex — but I feel terrible after and I feel like it’s bottom of the barrel.

I’m a real person and this isn’t AI but I put my post through AI so I could make this more concise and people will read. All info here is 100% what happened to me.

Age 18 (start of college): Desperate for intimacy and unable to get it from girls, decided to try being bi. Started forcing myself to jerk off to guys so sex would be easier to access — porn felt gross at first and didn’t work, but gradually I could finish to it. Also started jerking off to sissy porn around this time and liked it more than normal porn. These habits continue today.

Ages 18–22: Had a lot of sex with men — way too much. Enjoyed the intimacy, being naked in front of someone, and the feeling of being dominated by a guy bigger than me (I’m 5’6”). Would jerk off thinking about past hookups. But the actual acts — giving head, getting fucked — didn’t feel good, and I felt like a loser/beta afterward. Couldn’t get hard with men either, but they didn’t mind. One girl asked to have sex; I couldn’t get hard. She offered to try again, still couldn’t. Never had sex with a woman.

Age 22: Decided I was too old to keep secretly hooking up with men (still not out to anyone). Stopped having sex entirely except for one time in Europe I hooked up with a guy.

Age 22–24 (now): Feel less weird about myself after putting it behind me, but still lonely. Trying to quit masturbating, but it’s hard with no other sexual release. Bad at talking to women — barely get matches, get brutally rejected at bars/clubs. Still jerk off to men about half the time, partly trying to make myself gay because intimacy with men is so much easier to get. Still enjoy jerking off to women more and it doesn’t feel forced. Sissy porn habit continues.

Question: Am I gay with internalized homophobia, or should I stop pursuing men and try my hardest to get a girl? Sex with men isn’t something I hate — it’s still sex — but I feel terrible after and I feel like it’s bottom of the barrel.