u/Frequent-Ad-4257

I have this friend and we have known each other since 2014ish. I am 32 and she is 33. Around 2016, she started talking to someone that was unfortunately abusive but I was still there for her. Driving her places, paying for things when she couldn’t, being emotionally there for her when he did wrong, etc. Then around 2018, she ghosted me. I realized when she had a baby shower [got pregnant by this man] and all of our other friends that we had in common were there, but I was not invited. She stopped answering my text messages so that made me realize that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.

Fast forward to July 2023, the guy she had a baby with passed away. I reached out to give my condolences [a mutual let me know that he passed] and I was going to leave it at that. Then, she randomly texts me several days later saying “Come to a bar in Chicago and meet me” … like okay no because you decided to not want anything to do with our friendship for 5 years and I’m not going to just jump when you tell me to.

We did end up meeting later that week at her place where we talked and she apologized for not talking to me but her excuse was that he made her stop talking to me.. which was still hurtful because a man shouldn’t be able to tell you to stop being friends with someone; especially when they are a good person.

So, we reconnected but wasnt a great start because she was grieving and so we didn’t see a lot of each other but I was there for her over the phone when she would text me about how she’s hurting. Though, I didn’t like this man at all because he abused her and put their child in harm’s way consistently.

Even as time went on, we really didn’t see one another, but I was still there for her. There was a time where I asked to hang out for at least 30 minutes and she wasn’t able to do that, but did go to Vegas two days later 🫠🫠 I understood that she was going through a lot but it seemed like she was still able to do things and have fun so it hurt that she didn’t even try to attempt to hang out with me knowing we only saw each other like once every 6 months and she’s a mother so it can be even more difficult.

Fast forward to now, my birthday was in March. She is my only friend, by choice, and so I was really looking forward to seeing her because we have actually been seeing each other monthly which I enjoy. For my birthday, we were going to go out to a bar but then I realized that I’m not a bar person anymore and also didn’t want to talk or entertain other people at a bar for my birthday and I knew she wanted to go to a bar because we normally get attention but I didn’t want that. 4 hours before we meet, I let her know that I don’t think I want to go out anymore. She’s trying to say it’ll be fun and we don’t have to drink and also said “but whatever makes you comfortable”. Bet. So, I said I don’t want to go out and I just want to be home hanging out with you. She then replies that she doesn’t want to hangout with me and she’s gonna stay home…. I should be hurt by that right? I would have never done that to her but so many things I wouldn’t do are constantly done to me.

So, in my opinion, with how short I was being after she told me she didn’t want to hangout with me anymore, I would assume that she knew I was hurt by her because she certainly would be hurt if I did the same thing to her.

It can be difficult to bring things up that hurt me because of her past and she feels attacked, so I decided not to text her for a little while until I felt ready to express my hurt. A month later [April 25ish] she texts me a picture of a new tattoo she got and text like hey thanks for showing me this tattoo artist and i hope you’re doing well…. like you’re joking right? i’m upset with you and the first thing you text is something about you.. so I ignored the tattoo and said “thanks i hope you’re doing well too”. A month later she sends me a “Hi.” which I have told her to stop doing because I find it quite annoying [Im autistic and very direct lol]. That conversation was quick and robotic because she knows there’s something wrong but doesn’t want to bring it up.

I then text her that following Monday saying straight up that she did something in March that hurt my feelings and we need to address it. Then, she immediately says “you did something that hurt my feelings too” .. i’m sorry but i don’t like when people do that. When you text me a picture of your tattoo you could’ve brought up concerns but you didn’t and now you feel comfortable to do so?? And no offense but I know I didn’t do anything wrong to her. She just doesn’t like to feel called out but it’s sad because I express my concerns because I want to continue to this friendship with you. This is not the first time where I’ve told her that she hurt my feelings and then she replies “well you hurt my feelings too”.

The thing that hurt me the most in the text conversation we attempted to have is that she text me “I am constantly putting your feelings and emotions first” .. First off, that is literally not true and second, if it were true, I would never tell that to someone, especially if I don’t feel taken advantage of. I would never tell her this because this would be mean but I have done so much for her and would never ask for anything in return because that’s what I do as a friend. I have put her emotions first consistently throughout our friendship because she has had different tragedies than I have but I would never tell her that. And I know if I said that to her she would be so upset and rightfully so, but do I have to forgive her saying something like that to me when it isn’t true?? And just being in this friendship in general.

Another part of me is also like she has a had a really hard life and I keep giving her chances because I don’t feel like she is being purposely malicious like some passed friendships that I’ve had.

I think this person is talented, smart, kind, loving, and I truly enjoy every hangout we have but I cannot express my feelings to her without her feeling attacked and now she has said that my emotions are always put before hers????

If you got to the bottom, thank you and any advice or similar personal experiences would be appreciated ✨✨