Psychology Warfare
I recently ended a turbulent relationship with an extremely manipulative person and I'm unpacking the damage. Almost as a preface he early on overshared about his exes and their flaws. He named BPD as the main destructive force of his relationship(s)... Red flag I noticed but kept it in the back of my mind instead of ditching.
Everytime, without fail if I came close to some fact that dismantled his self-idealization, he would start an infuriating fight. Some to the point of me losing it and cursing him out, which he used as "proof" of my bpd..which I don't have. It's a near bullet proof manipulation that I called out from the first recognition.
Him: Stop hurting yourself with all the imagined hurt that I’m “doing” (by you always assuming my thoughts & feelings & assuming if I’m listening to you; it’s a lot of bullshit that you’re making real inside of you, but it’s not real. Study BPD, for real.
Me: Really?
Me: Because I don't want you bullying me? I'm in therapy already. If I have a personality disorder I would/will. Know it's not your place to bully me about it. Self diagnosing, unprofessional diagnosis is really dangerous.
Me: I said nothing for you to hang up on me and this is the second time you've done so.
Him: We both need space— why not take some
(he blocked me)
Some flavor of this persisted until recently, when the final straw was pulled.
Him: You need help. Don’t fucking stalk me. Get real help, not some therapist who’s paid to validate your feelings. You literally said having sex with two people with clean tests is ok, but since you’ve split on me, it’s evil if I do it. You say you believe in community. I can’t get tested because I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere. Luckily enough, the people I fuck (on rare occasion these days) all get tested on the regular. You’ve heard of herd immunity, well this is herd testing clean. I wish I could believe you can change, but the way you avoid anything that bruises your ego means you’ll never grow. I’m not down for another relationship where everything is turned against me
I wasn't stalking him. He has a block button.
"Get real help, not some therapist who’s paid to validate your feelings." Biggest red flag. He told me he's more qualified than my therapist because he "reads studies."
He said himself he slept with someone and he didn't know their status but "they seemed like the type of person to be crazy about that kind of thing". Then he told me his special genes protect him from STDs then he said herd immunity protects him...
I explicitly disclosed my partners and their known with proof status to him, he was blatantly lying that we didn't have a whole conversation about it.
"I wish I could believe you can change".. Ripping off a line I said to him once.
"You say you believe in community." trying to appeal to my good nature.
"but since you’ve split on me" more diagnosis from someone who is absolutely not a therapist. So is the part about my ego, his good relationship narrative even though he claims he never had one.
And the real center of the problem:
"I can’t get tested because I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere." he's stranded because he doesn't have a car. Can't get or hold down a job. Can't take care of his own basic needs beyond trying to find any sexual gratification he can find. And the only way he can get that is through manipulation.
To follow that up:
Him: In healthy relationships people work together as a team to solve issues from a place of love & caring, but most times I bring up an issue with you you go fucking nuclear on me. I want a healthy relationship or none at all
What a flip. He never explicitly asked me for anything except for sex. He expected me to provide transportation and groceries, and when I asked him to help out, instead of saying he couldn't, he started a fight and thew up a bunch of smoke screens and attacking my mental health. This was my response:
Me: Being a coward is not an excuse. And I don't even think it's a reason. I think you were being a slimeball by not disclosing even after I did. And then to pretend I tried to hide things from you when you know damn well I told you... Putting your partner at risk, not informing, is not loving, caring or remotely healthy. You want everything you can't be. And you have the nerve to insult me getting therapy, and again insulting my mental health... You are light-years away from having a healthy relationship with how you act. You're not a teammate. You're not even a bench warmer. You don't even SHOW UP to PRACTICE. GTFO. Trifling ass.
My message in isolation, you could paste it to any "dealing with a bpd lover" forum and get validation. Because I was angry beyond belief. You don't have to be some completely stoic and non reactive person to prove your mental, emotional or psychological health. That's what makes psychological manipulation so insidious. When it's done it proves it's right by looking at the outcome when you finally snap.
In reality, I have stability, long term friendships, family, career, goals that I can meet. His ex-wife(RIP) who he claimed to be his best friend recently lost her life to suicide. If he treated her anything like he treated me, it certainly didn't help her. He is estranged from family. He's too good for friends. None of this was revealed all at once, but slowly the pattern was revealed.
Never be afraid to examine the intwrworkings of your relationships especially if you feel you are being manipulated. Always seek psychological advice from a trusted professional.