u/Friendly-Finding-645

Without going into too many details, I’m broken. I have anxiety, trouble breathing. She literally is the first and last love of my life. We were together for more than 3 years.

She broke up with me after a period where we couldn’t see each other very often. After one last conversation, we went completely no contact, and it’s been more than a month now. Mentally, I feel devastated.

A few days ago, a mutual friend contacted me because he wanted to meet up with all our university friends while he’s back in town, since he lives far away. I really wanted to see him, but I knew she would be there too.

Since the breakup, I’ve tried everything I could to feel better. I went out with friends, started doing sports, and tried focusing all my energy on studying, but without her I feel like a failure, like someone unworthy of being loved. I feel ugly, and it honestly feels like my heart and mind have been torn apart.

The moment this friend texted me, I started shaking. In the end, I told him I couldn’t accept the invitation. He knows we broke up and was very understanding. I still have time to change my mind, but right now I genuinely feel like seeing her could destroy me.

I’m angry at myself, and sometimes even angry at her. At the same time, I feel ashamed for feeling that anger, because despite everything I still hope she’s okay and happy. But I’m also terrified of seeing her doing well while I’m struggling just to breathe.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Please be kind in the comments. I really don’t feel comfortable talking about the breakup itself, and the whole situation is still extremely complicated and painful for me.

I study at university, where I met my now ex-girlfriend. In my whole life, even if it’s still short, because I know I’m young, I had never really felt interest in any woman before. With her, it literally felt like destiny. There was never a friendship phase first; we spent some time getting to know each other, and then we got together. She was my first everything.

We were together for three and a half years. We had already gone through difficult periods before, but we always managed to get through them. We made plans for the future. We talked about when we would move in together.

Then there was a period where we saw each other less and less. She started treating me with indifference, and because of that I got angry and made mistakes too. Eventually we had a huge argument. She said very harsh and painful things that completely destroyed me. We broke up.

During that time I got physically sick because of my mental state. A week later she texted me asking to meet and apologize. But she still stood by her decision to leave me. I tried talking to her, I opened myself up to her completely, but nothing changed.

Now it’s been more than a month since we last spoke or saw each other. I’ve been having anxiety attacks, sudden mood swings, sometimes even trembling. She’s still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I tried going out with friends and distracting myself, but nothing helps. I’m completely shattered.

I feel ugly, like a failure, like someone unworthy of love. One part of me still hopes she’ll try to contact me again and honestly, I’d probably collapse at her feet. Another part of me knows it’s over, and tells itself that precisely because I love her, I truly wish her all the love and happiness in the world, wherever she is.

I blame myself for everything, while at the same time I’m angry at her for how I feel, and at the same time I’m ashamed of feeling that anger.

Recently, a friend texted me saying he’s graduating and inviting all our university friends out for drinks, including her. Just the idea of seeing her again made me start trembling, and I told him I didn’t feel up to it, even though I felt bad about missing his celebration.

I’m devastated. Sorry if I haven’t explained things clearly. If you have questions, I’ll try to answer them.