The Ballad of Louis P. Seymour Bugsy Murrow
This small thing is Lou, and Lou is an elf.
Not one who makes toys or put up on a shelf.
The friend at his side is half lion and hawk.
But despite wings and goggles, she flies like a rock…
He passes his time as most elves do -
playing darts, pulling weeds, and cleaning the loo.
Feeding trolls, catching bugs, or whatever the case is,
and cleaning the fairies out of small crawl spaces.
But regardless of strength and despite his short height,
Lou still has his dream of becoming a knight.
He lived in a kingdom a long time ago,
this Louis P. Seymore Bugsy Murrow.
Lou and his griffin walked past the town crier
who was nailing a flier that read “KNIGHT FOR HIRE”.
“That’s perfect!” Lou shouted, so thrilled and excited,
then stood in the line to be picked to get knighted.
“You can’t be a knight!” the pickers would snicker.
“You need to be taller, stronger, and quicker!”
“Just look at him, sire!” inquired the crier.
“He’s not even fit to be a mere squire.”
“I know what you’re thinking, but just can’t agree.
I’ve dreamed of this moment,” Lou said, “and you see -
what I lack in strength, I make up for in knowledge,
and go to knight school at community college!”
“I’ll humor this dwarf and his grounded pet chicken.”
“First of all, I’m an elf - and you know she’s a griffin.”
“Let him in to be trained. This could be a hoot.
He’ll give us a laugh, then we’ll give him the boot.
Let’s start him in fencing and see how it goes.”
It can’t get all that much worse, I suppose…
Lou thought maybe archery, but since he’s so narrow,
he’s less like an archer and more like the arrow.
He wanted to joust, at least give it a try,
the armor was heavy, the horses too high.
Lou thought to himself, it’s a hopeless endeavor.
Would an elf get a chance? Not likely. Not ever.
And just as our hero was leaving the court,
a frantic knight burst on into the fort.
“The princess is gone!” the knight cried to his men.
“A fire-breathing dragon awoke from its den!
Swooped in and plucked out our delicate flower,
and flew her away back up to its tower.
If we don’t save her soon, she’ll meet her demise,
to a dragon who’s more than a baffling size!”
Their gumption and spirit began rather strong,
but turns out the siege didn’t last very long…
“Get back there, you wimps! Lay siege to the tower!
You cowards are not getting paid by the hour!”
“Listen, I know that it’s not quite my place,
but I can do this,” Lou said, pleading his case.
“You had tall, you had tough, but they all retreated.
I know that I’m small, but small is what’s needed.
I’ll sneak by the beast and stay out of sight,
save the princess, then slip back into the night.”
“Turn back!” a knight shouted. “She’s massive and mean!
She’ll use you to pick her teeth clean, if you’re seen!”
And the dragon, WHEW! They really weren’t kidding.
On a mountain of bones and ash, it was sitting -
crunching, gnawing, and mashing it chewed
down on piles, pounds, and mounds of canned food.
The sound of her chomping echoed and rang.
“No knight is a match for my might!” Then she sang,
“My teeth are far sharper, my wings ever faster!”
Good thing she didn’t spot Lou sneaking past her.
Lou crept up the stairs as high as they’d go.
Opened the door, went in and although
he wasn’t as tall as what she had in mind
the princess would happily be out of this bind!
Hatching a plan, Lou scoured the room,
and then he said, “Princess, we’ll meet our doom
if we go out the front.” She asked, “How do you figure?”
“We can’t sneak past—see, you’re quite a bit bigger.”
Looking over, he met eyes with his faithful pet griffin.
“Ah ha!” He shouted, “you’re the key to this mission!”
“Alright, my friend—we’ll go for a ride.
I know you can’t fly, but perhaps you can glide.”
“Your Highness,” Lou whispered, “when I say go - we’ll leap from the tower and land safely below.”
She looked at the elf like he was kind of a putz,
took a deep breath and then screamed, “ARE YOU NUTS!?”
Lou grabbed her hand and stepped onto the edge.
They counted to three, then leapt off the ledge.
The knights down below all cheered, clapped and shouted,
A few of the jealous ones sat there and pouted
And just as their feet touched down on the ground,
the head knight called proudly, “Can we get a round -
of applause for the elf who proved us all wrong,
and showed what’s inside is what makes someone strong!
For all here to see, and by royal decree -
come forward, brave Lou, and kneel before me.
Learn all that you can, share all that you know,
SIR Louis P. Seymore Bugsy Murrow!”