I realized to that I was a bully
I had what I thought was a tight knit group of friends in elementary school, myself and 4 other girls. To put it bluntly, I was a horrible friend to all of them, I was bossy, threw a fit when things didn’t go my way, very controlling and teased them all relentlessly, but I always got laughs back, so I naively thought it was okay.
One girl in particular, who I would consider my closest friend (stupid of me) was the victim of the most teasing. After years of being the center of my harassment, she finally sat me down one day and she didn’t like being my friend, that I was, frankly, a bully.
And she was completely right. The way I treated her, my “best friend” was horrible. I don’t want to go into specifics, I never hit her or gossiped about her behind her back, but the roles I’d have her when we played pretend, the things I’d say to her face, she was completely right, I was a bully.
About a year before this conversation, when we were halfway through school, a new girl joined our class. She fit right into my friend group, played along with all my games, she was shy and a little awkward but everyone liked her.
Fast forward, we remained in the same circle of friends, I tried to stop, I tried to be better, but it was impossible to go back to how I thought things had been, you could see her drifting away, could see our other friends still circling me when they should have been supporting her.
The new girl started to get uncomfortably close to me, teasing me the same way I had my best-friend. She asked me constantly if I liked her, if we were good friends, and always had to be touching me in some way. And then my things started to go missing, my workbooks, things I brought to school for show and tell, my shoes, my lunch.
During pretend play, she would always pretend that I hit her when I had never touched her. She pushed me over the edge until I cried, mocked me in front of all our classmates, and then one day someone brought a sharp object to school and cut up my jacket into ribbons during gym class, leaving it out for everyone to find when I got back.
Parents were called, the principles sat everyone in my circle down incised. Turns out it was the new girl. We were separated from that day onward, not allowed to be in the same class, she had to eat lunch alone in a room away from me.
I’m sure why she did it, maybe it was retribution for my best friend, maybe it was to teach me a lesson. It worked.
It went on like that, and continued into middle school. The order for us to be separated still stood, but we were allowed to eat lunch together. My “best friend” found new friends at our much larger school, while I remained with the circle, and the new girl also remained without the circle.
My friends invited her to sit with us despite what she’d done to me, and I never said a thing, not one thing, even though I was beyond hurt by these people.
By that time, I’d mellowed out, I always asked people for their opinions, never spoke first, never spoke over people, kept everything locked tight so I didn’t turn back into the monster I’d been in elementary school.
Honestly, it was horrible, I had to spend every moment of recess with this girl who I hated for what she’d put me through, and friends who clearly liked her more than I did despite what she’d done to me.
It really made me think though, I thought and I thought and I realised what I’d done to my old best friend was almost exactly what was happening to me, and I knew I deserved it, I knew I was getting a taste of what I’d done to her done to me.
I made her life unbearable . She had to find new friends the second she got a chance, and now I also felt like I had no choice but to leave.
So I did, the moment I found out I could transfer schools for high school, I did, I left my friend group and my old best friend and the new girl behind and never looked back. I wanted a new start for myself, I wanted to get away from new girl, but I also, probably naively, hoped that my old best friend could get the life and friends back that I’d ruined for her, that she’d be better for it without me around to remind her constantly of what she’d gone through.
I’m in high school now, I reached out to her to meet up and I apologised, I hope, sincerely for everything I put her through when when where kids, I didn’t justify any of it, but I tried to explain that I was just a selfish, selfish kid who couldn’t handle it when things didn’t go my way, and that I took it out on her and it I was so unfair. I told her I hope she is doing well and will continue to do well, and she thanked me for it.
That selfish part of me still wonders if I apologised for my own benefit. I was mortified, telling her how sorry I was, I hope she believed me, and if she didn’t, I’m still grateful to her that she agreed to meet up with me. It’s been a few months since then and we haven’t spoken, I don’t think we will, I don’t want to bring up bad memories for her.
I still think about what I did to her constantly, the memories will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, and I deserve to be reminded of how I acted, it’s the least I deserve.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but if you made it this far, thank you.