I 19F forgave my bf 20M for something stupid he did. Am I too forgiving?
I 19F and my bf 20M have been together for almost a year (11 months). We’ve had a peaceful and loving relationship overall, but these past 5 months i’ve noticed that he has been struggling with stuff. He does not want to talk about it, and prefers to struggle on his own.
He has very bad anxiety and coping mechanisms (isolates himself, etc.) because of some traumatic events from his past relationships, which is why I feel he acts this way.
Every time he pulls away, I feel very bad because I wish I could be there for him, but I can’t because he won’t let me. I sometimes feel like I know him, but at the same time don’t know him at all.
I’m not a really confrontational person, which is why I’ve been keeping this all to myself.
My breaking point was this past week. On Saturday, a very good friend of mine broke up with her bf. Me and my friends spent all weekend comforting her. That same weekend, my bf went out of town to watch a football match and met up with two of his friends. Everything was fine.
The next day was mother’s day, and our 11 month anniversary. But it slipped our minds, I was still with my friend and he was at the football match, and we remembered until later that week.
On Tuesday, he told me that he would be moving away next semester to another city for his studies. I was understandably very sad and cried for a bit. He held me and we worked through it, but we had already decided to stay together and push through it as he wouldn’t be gone for long. It’s important to note that I’m not from the city we currently study in. I moved away for college, and met my bf here. He is from this town, so I was extra sad because seeing him would be even harder because when he would come back for the holidays, I would return to my own town with my family.
All week I sensed he was a bit off, and I started to overthink. Many other couples we knew had broken up, and I became a bit paranoid and thought he would break up with me. I really don’t know why, I guess it was a combination of my friend and her new ex and the fact that he would be moving away next semester.
On Friday, he had invited me to a party one of his friends was throwing that day. In the morning, I snuck into one of his clases. While I was there he told me that he wouldn’t go to the party in the end because he had a lot of work to do, and I understood. He told me he would step out for a bit. While he was out, he texted me if I wanted to come over to his house later and stay with him while he worked, I said yes.
He was gone for an hour, his class finished and he never returned. I had another class so I texted him that I had to go but would see him once it finished. No response. I texted him 45 minutes later asking him if everything was fine, and he said yes.
My class finished and I went to meet him. He looked a bit sad, so I asked if everything was fine, he said no. I asked him to tell me about it, but he refused, saying he would tell me later. We got to his classroom and he was off, but he still did not want to tell me anything.
I went home as his other class started, started cooking food and relaxing. He got out of class and came to pick me up. I hadn’t eaten, but would take my food to his house. I was cleaning up the kitchen, so he came in to wait for me. We went to my room so I could pick my things up and go. While I was doing that, he asked for a hug. I hugged him and felt this weird sadness coming all over me. We stayed like that for a bit, and then he said we needed to talk. At that moment, I genuinely thought he would break up with me. What he said was worse.
He started by saying he had cut all contact with one of the friends he hung out with when he went to the football match. He then said she had stolen a kiss from him. At that moment, my heart just broke. I cried, a lot. But deep within me, I already knew I would forgive him.
He started by saying he wasn’t trying to shield himself, and that he was also at fault for not stopping that weird tension that led to her stealing that kiss. He said it wasn’t an excuse, but he has also a bit drunk which led to stupid things obviously occurring. He told me he was very sorry and sorry that it took so long for him to tell me. He just wanted to already have a solution (him cutting contact with her completely) instead of telling me: “this happened, and I promise I will cut contact with her”. He also said he needed another perspective, so he had to talk to one of his friends before talking with me.
That friend of his found out that same Friday. He found out through a friend of hers that threatened him to either tell my bf to tell me, or she would. When he talked to my bf, he had already finished speaking with his ex friend and planned on speaking with me. His friend scolded him, told him he was stupid. That I’m his first good, healthy, loving relationship, and when he had it, he just had to fuck it all up.
He told me all that, and I didn’t know what to do, what to say, what to feel. So I just laid there while he held me. I cried, and then I laughed because I hate crying and feeling that way. He stayed with me all night and we had fun, silly moments, and then I remembered what happened and got all sad again.
At some point he asked me to slap him, slap some sense into him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he begged me to do it, so i did. It was a very hard slap. I cried after doing that, he cried too. Said he needed it, that he deserved it. And told me over these past 5 months he had a lot of stuff going on, but refused to tell me because he just didn’t want to feel, and that slap was all he needed to start feeling again.
We slept at times throughout the night, but we were always hugging. We kissed too, and I felt so happy but weird at the same time. There were a lot of things I didn’t say, because I didn’t know how to. I wanted to ask a lot of things (when has the kiss, was it just a peck, who knew about it) but at the same time I know it will just hurt me more if I know.
It’s the next day, he had to leave early, but we held each other before he left. I cried again, and then he left, and told me that whatever I need, he’s just a phone call away.
I really love him, but I don’t know if I made the right choice. I don’t want to end up like the dumb stupid girl that forgave him. I’m scared. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t know what to do. I will probably talk to my best friend for advice. Maybe I’ll talk to him later, but I need to gather my thoughts too.
I need advice, so anything will be appreciated, sorry for the long post. It’s my first time posting, and english is not my first language.