u/Fun-Beach7388

I got my favorite band's name tattooed on my neck (I have a lot of tattoos everywhere, so it was supposed to be a mature decision, lol), and it ended up right around my non-existent Adam's apple. The point is, it looks like a choker. I'm a binary trans man, not alternative at all, and now I feel like I look more like a girl than a guy. I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from demasculinization because of an illness that developed a few years ago, the medication I take isn't compatible with testosterone. I've lost weight, and my neck looks thin. Now I have this tattooed choker, and I have to go to work right now. I live in the town I grew up in, and going to work was already torture since I don't have a car. Even though I have facial hair and wear a mask, the tattoo still looks emo or very feminine. Now I'm scared and feeling a lot of anxiety about going out today.

​The tattoo artist is good, but he didn't understand that the tattoo was supposed to be lower down. Even though we adjusted the height once, I felt embarrassed to ask him to correct it again, since it was a trade of goods rather than a monetary exchange between us. I need to get used to it; I'm thrilled that my favorite band's name will be visible forever, especially since they're on their final tour and I might actually go to the concert in my country (they're already pushing 70).

​I don't know what to do. But oh well, that's life, I'm caught between laughter, sadness, pride, and self-pity. I just don't want to suffer through being misgendered anymore.

Here is my quick context: I am a binary, heterosexual trans man from Mexico. I socially transitioned in 2007, medically transitioned in 2012, and had surgery in 2017. The LGBT march is tomorrow, and due to some issues, I’ve isolated myself a lot, so I don't have any friends to go with,not even my sister wants to join me. I also really want to go because an electronic music group that I love will be performing.

***This isn't an attack, and I don't want to offend anyone.***

​The point here is that I found some WhatsApp groups in posts about the march for people who didn't have anyone to go with so they could go together. I joined three groups: BIG MISTAKE.

​I joined, and there were no previous posts visible because I had just entered. Then three people posted where they were from, so I wrote that it would be a good dynamic for us to introduce ourselves, say which towns we're from, and share our identities. Immediately, the chat started filling up with photos of trans women? Cross-dressers? In suggestive poses, stating their names and that they are passives. And I was just like, what does that even matter?

So, I posted my introduction, saying that I’m a middle-aged trans man, really looking forward to going to the march to dance and meet people (not in a sexual way). Next thing I know, they start misgendering me and questioning how I could possibly be a trans man. Then they tell me that, according to them, being transsexual means getting boobs, so I responded that I’m the opposite, that I had them removed, that I am FTM (honestly, I was so surprised and confused that they didn't know what a trans man was).

​While I’m making my bed, I start getting tons of private messages misgendering me or asking if I want to have sex,some from gay men, and others from trans women or cross-dressers. I told every single one of them that I’m in the group to find people to go to the march with and that I'm not looking for sex. Some blocked me. I told one guy that I like women (because it’s true, I’m straight), and he just didn't understand.

​I am deeply disappointed that there is so much ignorance about trans men within the community, but above all, by the need to look for sex on WhatsApp in groups that aren't meant for that by AMAB people here in Mexico—because I see more interesting AMAB people in English-speaking spaces. I truly am looking for friends (male, female, or non-binary) to go to the march tomorrow, dance like I said, and have fun. I'm not looking for sex, nor am I looking to be misgendered. I already left all those groups.

Now I don't even know if I want to go to the LGBT march anymore. It’s been a long time since I went out or felt happy, and going alone is not an option; I don't like it. But I'm also realizing how hard it is to make friends or find a community if you deleted your original Facebook and Instagram accounts (due to mental health issues). The truth is, you really do need the people you hang out with to have things in common with you, and my cis friends are older now like me and have their own things to do.

I've had the diagnosis since 2007, and well, my dad and brother was bipolar type 1 (I'm type 2), and two uncles have schizophrenia.

I'm saying this just to give you some background. I've already been hospitalized, and I'm medicated because I also have epilepsy, but I stopped the antidepressants and I take 3 clonazepam a day to compensate for them. I haven't been to a psychiatrist in 4 years; the last medication adjustment was with the neurologist (I want to clarify that before this crisis, I had a manic episode that lasted 5 months). I don't know if this is normal anymore, if I'm not actually bipolar, or if I'm trapped in another illness I'll never know about. My last psychiatrist didn't want to talk about diagnoses, only symptoms. I'm so tired; I've been planning and saving money for my suicide for a year.

And I know I need to see a psychiatrist, but I'm terrified of doctors due to a severe situation that left me deeply traumatized. I don't want to deal with a rude and uninformed psychiatrist. It's nothing but complaints, I'm sorry, but this is how I live every day; it keeps turning into a bigger and bigger hell. I don't have friends anymore, I can only work one day a week now, I spend all my time in bed, I just live in a constant state of irritation, and on top of that, my mother is a compulsive hoarder.

Besides it being expensive, there are no other bands worth going to Corona Capital for that day. I would love to see them in a more intimate venue where everything isn't total chaos. I'm really hesitating to buy my ticket, because I don't have anyone to go with either.

​The ticket is already in Phase 3, which means prices have gone up, and the 'headliner' is Twenty One Pilots :/ The lineup for that day is terrible; it's only worth it for Underworld.