I just wanted to tell someone about my life. Life is just so confusing man
I’m a 20yo Female that has had anxiety since i was a pre teen, and only intensified over the years. My anxiety has mostly been school related, and now as a med student, it is the worst it has been. I just have this feeling of doom and despair about everything. For example, for not being good enough as a student. You see, most of my classmates were pretty smart growing up, top of their class. And me? I struggled through every stage of my academic life after it became MY responsibility. I was the type of student who would get very distracted at class and would have a hard time keeping up. And when it came to signing in assignments? A total mess. I had to go to detention multiple times because I kept forgetting to hand in my homework on time. Either forget or just procrastinate. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. Eventually when I got older and almost failed a subject I started to try harder. And I mean I have always been considered a smart kid, just not very disciplined. Long story short it worked pretty well for me and I graduated high school with an average of 93.
I’m now a Med student and currently seeing subjects such as physiology, anatomy, genetics etc. I am struggling so hard. I’m very disciplined studying but it doesn't really bring any results. My grades are an average of B’s and B+'s and I'm sick of it. It frustrates me to just go blank every time I take an exam. Nerves get the better of me. My anxiety peaks so much I had to start taking contraception pills to keep my period in check. I hate to feel like I’m dying every exam season. I hate to see other people do so well while I struggle so much and fail. It makes me question if I want to study this field at all.
I used to be pretty depressed as a teen and didn’t really see the point in getting up and going to school every single day. When I started University, I felt like I finally had a goal in life. But now, I don't even know if I want to keep going. On the other hand, I don't see myself doing anything else. The thought of seeing my boyfriend after class is what is keeping me going lately. He just numbs all the pain I feel sometimes.
My boyfriend is my favourite thing in this world. I don’t know how to express the admiration and love I feel for that guy. He just gets me, holds me, soothes me. we’ve been together since January 2nd 2024. He just fills me with joy. I’ve dated before him. It never felt like this. 914 days since we made it official and I feel more in love every single day. It is as if my brain gets reset every single day. I trust him like I never trusted anyone. I love him like I never loved anything. I feel like i can just melt into his arms and i can be his little girl, like nothing can hurt me as long as he’s with me. But sometimes I ONLY think about him. As if it protected me to think about things that hurt me. I developed a big self hatred rooted in my academic frustration, and other things. Thinking just hurts. I also picked the horrible habit of doomscrolling when I don't have anything career related to do. I just don’t do anything
I used to be an art kid. I would spend whole days drawing in my room and listening to music. I miss being an art kid. Now I feel like I can't pick up a pen without being frustrated by my lack of skill. It’s been like this… since I'm 17. I draw from time to time but never like I used to.
Sometimes when I'm alone with my thoughts, I think about how sad my relationship with my parents is. All you need to know is that I am the first daughter of a divorced couple. I don’t have any memories of living with my dad. My mum used to be my hero, my role model when I was a child. As I grew up, I started to see sides of my mother that just disillusioned me so much. The day i mooved to germany i saw her hold hands with another man (that wasn’t my siblings dad). After that i would hear her talk with other men too.
When i was little i i lived with her (before my siblings were born) she was so fun and unserious. When my siblings were born she didn't know how to split her attention and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of her attention and love anymore. She wouldn't appear to my school functions, or spend as much time with me as she did with my siblings. It really frustrated me as a child. Because I used to have a ton of activities and she wouldn’t come. Or if she did, she would stay for 10 mins and then leave. Meanwhile, my other friends' parents would be there. Its a stupid little thing but it still hurts me to this day. Her preference was obvious enough for my stepdad to notice. She would tuck my siblings to bed, call them to her room, buy them gifts, and just give them more attention in general. Meanwhile i was expected to be self-sufficient, take care of my siblings and chores from a very young age. My siblings were never expected to do the same. We used to live in germany with my siblings dad until one day we went to the dominican republic (where i come from) for some vacations. Turned out it wasn't some vacations and stayed. From that moment on my resentment for my mum only grew bigger and bigger until it exploded when i was 16. I was stressed, i was depressed and suicidal. I wanted help and she would ignore me, or tell me hurtful things. I would reply with more hurtull things. Our relationship was pretty bad at that time. Things are better now and we get allong pretty fine. But i just feel like i can’t ve very affectionate with her anymore. It is as if there was this emotional barrier. I wish i could delete everything and just be my mums little girl again. I wish i could just hug her like i used to when i was a child. (this is a very sensible topic for me, even now. I’m bawling my eyes out writing this)
My relationship with my dad is kinda weird. I used to be papas little girl when i was little. He was just THE man for me. I also grew disillusioned with him over the years. A common complaint i used to hear growing up is that he never helped my mum financially regarding me. And seing him star a family and be financially present with my 2 sisters, but just not with me. That hurt. Now it feels so forced when i reach out to him. I need him to send me money so i have to keep a good relationship with him. I like my dad but it just feels forced to me to say that i love him and stuff.
My relationship with my stepdad wasn’t the best either. I was pretty disorganized, and i hated doing chores. He was pretty severe and very mean at times. He didn’t really liked me. He would say mean things about me being “faul” and “eine dumme Kuh” and that i should go back to my country and my biological dad should take care of me. He used to yell at me a lot.
Now i’m a student, privileged enough to have someone to pay for my tuition, sad enough to still complain. I’m only getting older and i don’t even know what i wanna do with my life. Everything feels like too much. I just wanna crawl in my boyfriends arms and disappear.