u/Fun-Pair8490

Hi, I'm a 19F. I got into a fight yesterday with my brother over something but let me tell you know the history:

My brother is 18 and taller than me, also he already has a history of being physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, specifically towards in the past. But it's been years since then he has NOT put his hands on me again. However he still is incredibly violent, assertive, aggresive and actively threatening to "beat my ass" time to time when he's angry. Given our already toxic ass relationship I'm clearly not taking that lightly. He has literally played a part in my ptsd, suicide attempts, and my nightmares but doesn't take it seriously. Like you literally gave me trauma bro. All I have to do is BREATHE and he gets so upset with me. Me just existing is enough to piss him off. This is also the same boy who's told me multiple times to kill myself knowing I was depressed and already suicidal, the same boy who told me (just to be "honest" and not mean) that I coukd dissappear and nothing would change as I'm like an NPC. The same boy who has also talked down on me, called me pathetic and saying that nobody loves me and has PUSHED me into suicide attempts multiple times- there were a lot of contributions and factors to it, but It usually ends in him- icing on the cake.

Anyway, the fight me and my brother got into earlier didn't even have anything to do with him to BEGIN with. My mother had gone to the store to get us some "cold cuts" (bread, lunch meat, cheese, and chips) to snack on for the day, she asked me what bread I wanted (which is wheat/regular- not honey. She knows this) and I asked her for wheat bread. Yet she came back with the wrong kind.

Now obviously this sort of bugged me because it isn't the first time, this is a clear pattern of hers where she deliberately keeps getting the wrong thing over and over, I don't know if she's forgetting a lot or just isn't listening and doesn't care. But I find it a little annoying that you clearly don't care about what I actually like and my feelings. Plus I was already irritated because she has forgotten the chips after claiming she had gotten them, she got my grandmother syrupy fruit cups to eat rather than the FROZEN and NON canned/cupped fruit recommend by the doctor due to a recent stroke she had days prior. We were told to cut high sodium and excess sugar out of her diet for this reason.

Now this wasn't a big thing to me. Once my mother came back from the store she asked me to get the bags out the car and I said OK. I went to go get them- excited for the actual things I wanted and I was thinking "Finally!". But no! Even that wasn't what I asked for. I understand I could've just walked to the store and bought it myself, I had no problem doing that. However, if you've went out of your way to decide you're getting cold cuts and ASKED me what I wanted and I told you specifically what I wanted. I'm sending you pictures and you STILL come back with the wrong thing?? It feels like you're doing it on purpose or trying to annoy me.

Anyways, all I did once heading back inside with the bags was simply ASK her.

"Hey mama, why didn't you get the regular bread?" That's it. I don't know if I must've had a tone on my voice or something or what. I wasn't trying to argue or fight or make a big thing out of it. She could've just said "Oh, I forgot". Or "Oh, they didn't have it." Which would've been fine and ended it there. I would've been annoyed yes but I would get over it because it isn't that serious. I just wouldn't have had any bread to eat for the day but I could find something else.

But this one question set my mom off and she started getting all hostile and loud "You're so fucking ungrateful! I swear to god! You buy it then! I'm over here wasting money for your selfish ass! You have a job you fucking buy it then!" I was literally bewildered because why are you cursing at me? Why are you yelling and getting ao angry? This isn't some screaming match- we are having a conversation, relax. This wasn't even supposed to be some big ass thing to begin with, god.

I can't say anything without her blowing up. It's like she's always on edge. While she's getting all mad and yelling, I am trying to descalate the situation and calm her down: "Why are you yelling at me?", "What is wrong with you?" "I was just asking a question." Etc. But she kept interrupting me, cutting me off and calling me non appreciative for bread I didn't even ask for!? Like thank you because it's better than no bread at all- but you're always getting the wrong thing! How hard is it to get the right one? This led into her randomly bringing up my resume, then my job and we started arguing about shit that wasn't even on topic.

For some reason my brother (who spent most of his time downstairs playing the game) randomly came upstairs and put himself in the middle of it. He wasn't just simply passing by and minding his business with his head down. No. He was being hostile and started yelling at us saying: "What the fuck is it now!? What the fuck are you two arguing about!?" He came at us with hostile energy, already cranked up and on level ten when it had nothing to do with him to BEGIN with. Nobody did ANYTHING to him! Damn, he's always getting so triggered by every little thing. Now it looked like he was heading to the bathroom at first when he passed by the door way but then he just stopped doing whatever he was planning and directing his anger towards us. Now he said verbatim: "I'm so sick of yall arguing all the damn time over stupid shit!" He didn't even know at this point yet what we were arguing about to begin with. Even if he did so what? Why do you want to know? So you can determine if it's serious enough or matters enough to you? So if it doesn't that gives you an excuse to put yourself in arguments that don't involve you?

Even if you ARE sick of us arguing and tired of hearing it- then stay tf downstairs and keep playing your game! You have headphones! You could have stayed in your space to begin with and not come up here! I get tired of you doing a bunch of shit! Especially when I'm trying to sleep in the middle of the night and you keep screaming at the game and throwing stuff around. I actually find that ridiculous- but you don't see me involving myself in it do you? I don't like when you and my mom argue about stupid shit too, yet I stay my ass downstairs and listen to my music and play my games. You CHOSE to pause your game, get up and walk your ass upstairs and involve yourself.

This led to mother now turning on him and nagging in his ear and complaining to him, which I did take part in: "Why the hell did you come up here?", "Mind your business", and "Nobody told you to come up here! You should've stayed the fuck downstairs!" I guess he felt like we were ganging up on him because he then went downstairs- still angry and now riled up for no reason. He had thrown some things around and broke a bowl on the way down to the basement. My brother has a history and current one (recently) of punching holes in the wall whenever he is upset and angry- there's now three holes in my room. He also has a habit of throwing bowls around, smashing cups and glass, along with having temper tantrums. So of course he did it again. This set my mother off so she followed him downstairs and once she got there he was already sitting down back to playing the game afterwards. Of course she saw all the damage and the newly broken bowl on the floor so she started nagging at him and yelling in his face and saying. "Nothing involved you. You're always giving your input instead of shutting the fuck up. That's your problem you can't mind your business." He was actively showing that he didn't care. Actually he just kept playing the game.

Now my mother is a struggling alcoholic and she's been failing to remain sober- so once he smelled it on her breath that must've made him even more upstthat makes him even more angry and they start yelling at one another and he becomes all the more aggresive and just calling her an alcoholic and saying: "I don't give a fuck! Leave me alone! Alcoholic! Alcoholic! Alcoholic! Alcoholic!" But she wasn't drunk- falling all over the place slumping, laughing, slurring her words. If anything she was rather buzzed and tipsy. My mother has been an alcoholic for so long that I think I've learned to differentiate between the two.

I was also downstairs just standing in the doorway of my room watching them both (me and my brother both live in the basement together, but I have a separate room cut off from the main area- his area). The only reason I was standing there wasn't to antagonize him but because I was making sure that one: he wouldn't fuck up my room and break anything. And two: things wouldn't get physically violent between him and my mother like they tend to get. All. The. Time. Then he and my mother CONTINUE to argue and he's like "Ya'll always wanna be victims so bad, blah blah. I'm tired of yall arguing about stupid shit- bothering me! I'm just playing my game now!" UH- YEAH AFTER YOU STARTED THE SHIT AND CAME AT US WITH ALL THAT ENERGY FIRST!? Then you wanna run tf away. Acting like somebody did something to YOU!?

After my mother left and went back upstairs (she was getting ready for work) me and HIM start arguing because I keep telling him he's not the fucking victim- you can't put yourself in an argument, allow yourself to get so mad and start yelling and throwing shit around when nobody was even talking to you in the first place! Then you wanna sit and act all stupid. You shouldn't have said anything in the first place. He had no reason to be blowing up like this the way he did. He had no reason to come upstairs already on level ten calling me "retarded" and insulting me and putting yourself in an argument between me and my mother"- which he has a habit of doing! I don't know why, but he always feels the need to give his fucking input like it matters! Like someone's begging to know how he feels! Like because we're on edge you have to let that dictate YOUR mood!? Nobody asked you for anything! Nobody fucked with you! I was telling him off for jumping in the first place- one on one. My brother was like "Nobody was fucking bothering you! I haven't said anything to you! I was arguing with mama!"

...

Yeah, cuz it's totally like you didn't come in already confrontational, amped up and trying to actively join in on the shit and start stuff. Plus during that earlier you literally called me retarted and stupid and were making fun of me. So at this time everyone is in a bad mood and miserable. I eventually headed back upstairs because now at this point the argument between me and mt mom had since dropped, we were instead trying to pack my grandmother's bag that we'd have for her when she's discharged from the hospital. My brother was still actively pissed off, yelling and talking shit. Not only thay but was throwing MORE stuff around in the basement and slamming doors. We could hear him even with the door closed. My mother was getting sick of it so she told me to lock the door just incase and even put the chain over the lock.

That's what I did. He started banging on the door and got even more upset and yelling and cursing at us. I'm over here trying to explain to him and communicate to him on the other side but all he wants to do is just yell and get his point across instead of listening. Acting like we locked the door for shits and giggles and fun. Like mama just decided that because she wanted to. Instead of him listening he wants to just scream at me and insult me saying: "Fat bitch! Retarded! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" It didn't really phase me because he's said and done way worse to me. Idgaf, ok? Fuck me. Fuck you too.

You still suck. Always crying and complaining when you get yourself into the shit. Now you just wanna cuss and yell. I'm not saying locking him in the basement was the exact BEST idea- but we shouldn't have even had to feel so unsafe and at risk that we felt we HAD to lock the door to begin with. What the fuck do you expect from someone if you're throwing shit around and constantly vandalizing people's property!? I had told my mother I feared he'd break the things in my room while he'd be down there so angry, she just brushed it off though. I wanted to go down there really quick but was afraid that as soon I'd open the door he'd hit me and get violent.

Once my mother left off to work, my granny's bag was packed and I had just decided to stay in my mother's room with the door locked and ignore it. My brother kept banging on the door for us to let him in and I kept saying no. Plus he had already threatned to beat my ass when he gets out- I'm definitely not doing so now. But eventually and somehow he got out the basement and the first thing he did was come to mama's room and taunting me on the other side: "You couldn't even lock the door right dumbass!" "STUPID ass!" I was scared and like "Oh shit he got out" so I immediately took out my phone and started to call the cops to which he said "I don't care!"

I don't know if he was outside the door getting ready for work while this was happening because I heard walking around (yes, all this was happening while he had work in two hours). Once the police did get here, they were already outside talking to him and one had asked me what happened. Ik he's 18 so they couldn't MAKE him leave- but he is actively being violent and this is a reoccurring pattern with him! We are notoriously known for having cops called and sent to our house BECAUSE of him! Despite this they just have him a slap on the wrist and told us to "Just leave each other alone and stay in your respective rooms!?".

Tf. I understand the rules and stuff but it just feels so unfair. Why can my brother keep doing whatever the hell he wants and he gets away scott free? My goal wasn't to have them arrest him and lock away the key- it was to just have him leave or something. Not make him, but maybe talk to him. Teach him a lesson. Because it won't stop here. I bet there'll be something else that ticks him off and now we're right back to the same shit!

After this the police left and that's it. My brother once again started taunting me and mocking me for it saying: "You can't do shit right! You couldn't even get me arrested stupid ass! I'm wearing all black and you STILL couldn't get me arrested.". As if me trying to get safety is a bad thing!? Why are you so proud of that shit!? What tf is wrong with you!? We went back to our rooms, me mom's room and it stayed like that for a while. I went to his best friend for advice and asked them to talk some sense into him since clearly the police can't do jack shit, me and his best friend are also close and they seem to be sympathetic towards me of the situation. But then I remembered- oh shit my room. I was just going to make sure. I went downstairs and opened my door to see a huge fucking mess.

My brand new clothes were tossed all onto the floor, my drawings and paintings were destroyed, my mattress was off my bed as well as the sheets, he had knocked over my TV off the dresser, my fan, heater and all my skincare and objects were broken. He had wrecked my closest too and fucked uo the shelving, all my art supplies and broken my easel and ruined everything. I had a breakdown and started crying but he got mad at me and was saying: "You shouldn't have locked the door on me." WTF DO YOU EXPECT!? OFC I LOCKED THE DOOR YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE!? As if I'm NOT supposed to keep myself safe! Along with my mom!? She was the one who asked me to but you're not breaking HER shit are you!? And then he was like "Ya'll locked me down here like an animal!?" IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK IT'S A DUCK! If you're actively being violent and aggresive wtf do you expect us to do!? Skip around with a smile on our face like our safety and shit isn't as risk!? Like I'm in the wrong for trying to take precautions to keep myself safe! Like he could've easily came tf upstairs if he wanted to and done whatever. That's how power he has, like obviously I'd try and fight his ass back but I am NOT going to win that battle!

My brother was like: " I ain't put my hands on you in years", so because you haven't that means you can't fall back into that shit? Because you're not putting hands on me that means you're still not an abusive, violent and crazy ass person!? I can't even ask you to hold the door open for me when I'm clearly struggling with heavy groceries without you getting riled up and calling me a "lazy fat ass." No. You're disrespectful and just cruel. Idk why he acts like he needs to hit me again to still be an asshole.

You are actively making the environment toxic and feeling unsafe. I shouldn't have to feel unsafe in my own home or feel like one day he might fucking kill me. That's not being dramatic. What if because I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time and he just HAPPENS to be spazzing out I get hit? I get beaten? It's always like that and always used to be. Because I'm simply passing by and just "there" he uses me as a fucking punching bag. He is STILL doing that! Just less with fists! But I'm sick of it! All this shit happened over some bread! And the police didn't do anything. I plan on leaving the house for a next couple days and probably forever. But I hate how he is the main aggressor and has been for YEARS but he is STILL here! And he tried to justify himself saying: "Oh, but you're still here too!?" How tf am I disturbing anyone ones peace and causing ppl to feel unsafe by simply sitting my fat ass in my bed? How am I "Making your life a living hell and miserable" by PURPOSELY staying out of your way? How am I doing all of this by just being here and living? You are actively doing shit. Every fucking day it's something with you! I'm not saying I don't have my own problems and my own shit. In no means am I saying I'm exempt from anything, I'm not. I failed to be there for him as his older sister back then- but I tried.

From the start I tried being there for him and supporting him, however It's not like I had a good example as my own older brother was TERRIBLE. But whenever I DID try I was met with anger from him! He literally said he didn't want my support, he didn't want me there and at the same time he was being fucking absuive!? Even now I TRY! I'm actively putting my feelings aside and brushing shit under the rug to appease you and you STILL have a problem!? I've acknowledged that I fucked up! I've spent so many nights wishing I was born normal and not slow and stupid. Why couldn't I just be born like any other girl? Why can't I be like every other 19 year old girl? I get that, you resent me and hate me for it! I'm not saying you can't be angry and have your feelings. Especially when you feel like you had to take up the slack and be the golden child of the family! I'm sorry, really. He also

But what is the goal here!? Is this some sort of lifelong punishment!? Some payback!? To make you feel better and make me pay? Like genuinely, I keep telling him to heal and go to therapy but he doesn't want to. Times I have literally asked him: What do you want from me as your sister to help you" and he says: "I don't know". All the time! It's not like we don't have times where we sit down and have conversations where we're communicating. Hell! He comes to ME for advice and comfort! But it never gets anywhere. He also has stated how he hates me and resents me because of how our parents always "coddled" me since birth and never gave him that same kind of attention- because it was expected on him to know everything and have everything together. I understand this from his perspective, but again I didn't come out the womb asking them to fucking baby and pacify me. I still don't ask. I'm always asking my mother to treat me like an adult because I fucking am. It's actually always me having to beg and ask my mother and father to STOP pacfiying me- even back then. I didn't like to be treated like I'm inable and stupid- it feels crippling and makes me feel like a joke when people treat me as if I have no life skills and can't make it on my own. Especially when I've shown I can be responsible and mature. But no, to my father- I am his little girl and will always remain his baby. To my mother- I am her only girl, her "mini" her, "mama duke". She treats me like a child but gets mad..!? Anyway..

It's always me apologizing for the past and what I didn't do as an older sister for my brother, it's always me atoning and fixing shit. But nothing has changed coming from him. It just seems like I'm being punished every day and for what? Is this the price I'm supposed to be paying for the rest of my life? Until I'm 100? What is the outcome? What does he want from this? Because I'm genuinely coming to the conclusion that he just wants to break me down and corrupt me. I don't think he cares about how much he's hurt me, how much he's STILL hurting me and has been for YEARS. It's not like I've been bringing it up either or holding it over his head.

I don't have to hold shit over his head if he's already still doing the same shit. I've been living my life, new job, making money and going out with friends- I'm losing weight (something I'm insecure about) and things have been looking up. Or they were. Now here his ass comes storming in and fucking it up for me. Now I'm back fucking depressed and thinking of suicidal thoughts and feeling more depressed. Which hasn't been a thing for at least a while- couple weeks. And I'm wondering is this what he WANTS? To make him feel better? What does he want from me for me to leave me alone? I'm honestly considering probably just yk, ending it. Not saying I will- but just what else is there? I don't want to actually die. There's so many things I haven't done yet- have kids, get married, fall in love, eat sushi, travel. I want so much. I WANT to live. But I just want him to stop fucking with me. Stop punishing me. What do you want!? I can't reverse time! If we're actively having conversations where I'm acknowledging I'm wrong and I feel guitly about it and remorse why are you acting like I'm some heartless villain who's existence is to strictly fuck you over!? I'm not saying an apology fixes everything. It doesn't. I'm not saying he should suddenly feel better about it. But I am ASKING of him to simply LEAVE. ME. ALONE. That's it, not a grand scheme.

Fucking hell.