u/Fun-Platypus-6904

"And what about your career path?"

" Well, I've spent fifteen years fighting suicidal ideations and self-destructive behaviors due to my upbringing. I don't trust people, I'm always hypervigilant, i'm EXHAUSTED after social interactions and I'm unable to support an abusive boss or unhealthy coworkers on a daily basis. I don't know how to promote myself and my goal in life is basically to HEAL from the nightmare that is cPTSD.
I'm currently recovering from relational, professional and existential burn out."

This is what I think but can't tell people.

Instead I'm forced to mask and pretend that my life hasn't been about survival all along.

Just mentioning professional burn out, even if very legitimate, triggers shame and feelings of inadequacy.

I wish people wouldn't define themselves by their career path.

Now I realize how avoidant most people actually are.
As an anxious one with cptsd, I spent my life over-analyzing, self-reflecting, searching for real-depth connections and a true understanding of psychology and human behaviors.

Most people just don't care for that.

Most interactions are surface level and the ones who are surrended by a lot of "friends" are usually the ones avoiding their fears and burying their shadow the most.

It took me 4 years to recover from this break up.
And now?
I don't care for dating anymore.
Seduction, ego-boosts, mirroring, false hopes, all this game of trying to find someone to complete oneself... it all appears to me like a waste of time.

Maybe one day I'll open up again.
But I'll make sure the person has done their inner work.
I'll make sure we can actually build something more together than an illusion of repair.
It'll be something truly nourishing, and I won't settle for less.

If it takes years or a decade for it to happen, then be it.

Better alone than with another energy vampire.

Current state of mind of a rising part of the population in my country:

- If you're poor, you asked for it

- If you're sick, you're probably just faking it

- If you're unemployed, it's your fault

- If you don't work for economical growth, you don't deserve a decent job

- Your job defines your worth

As someone who was working in a non-profit organization, who hardcore burnt out because of systemic issues and lack of funds, I am now unable to work and my cPTSD symptoms have never been so intense.

Witnessing the current hatred in people towards the ones who don't "just walk" triggers me badly.

I'm having someone coming to my place tomorrow... to "check how and where I live".
And I have no choice.

I hate it.
People don't come into my place.
I haven't let anyone in for the last 5 years.

This is really hard for me.

But I see patterns so clearly now.
After three conversations, I had him all figured out.

Same kind of trauma my ex had.
Similar substance abuse as past coping mechanism.
Same short time past relationships.
Same "i don't see myself living with someone when in a relationship".

but also...
Same interest for "spiritual" BS (New-Age stuff).
Same love-bombing as he had a direct "crush" when he met me.
Same kind of enthusiasm meeting someone new.
Same "attraction for my presence" (their words).
Same lack of true personal passions, projects or goals.

and again...

I did feel an attraction.
I was really tempted to go along with the texts he often sent me, and the process of seduction.
He started to crawl his way into my life...

But I stopped it.
I set strong boundaries.
And even if right now I feel like meeting him.
I won't.

Poison, stay away from me.

Lesson learned.
It wasn't all for nothing.
My next relationship will be HEALTHY.

I'm proud of myself and felt like sharing.

For those of you who are in the long and painful recovery process, it does get better, I promise.
Take care of yourself, you all deserve it. ❤️