u/Funneduck102

This was during COVID, so I thought maybe just a mix of that and entering adulthood around the same time made me "confused" or something. Recently, I've been trying to work on loving myself a bit more and a few things happened that lead me back to question my gender again. I was very reluctant to do so, but I was like, "I'm probably not anything but a dude but hey it don't hurt to know for sure." I eventually found the Gender Dysphoria Bible and I was thinking like "cool, I'll read this, realize I don't have any gender dysphoria and it's like last time or something" I haven't even been able to finish it because I'll read a section, remember something I genuinely haven't even thought about in years and just start crying. God it's so obvious looking back a *second time*. All the shit I put myself through in the last 6 years that I just didn't need to. If I had just fully accepted it. That could be a goddamn essay on its own. It actually took me like 2 hours to make this post and I'm so mentally drained from just thinking about all of it, but I knew I had to get it out there, I can't do this to myself again. I *have* to accept it. Gonna try and at least set up a therapy appointment tomorrow, I owe myself that much.

It's been a while since I've looked anything remotely feminine, but I came a picture of me from the other day all shaved with a skirt on and thigh highs and I looked cute, and I think I've been repressing myself from looking like that. I don't take care of myself anymore and now I actually do want to. Need to start working out and eating better. Bare minimum starting today, no more alcohol and fast food. Just hope I haven't waited too long to ever feel happy with the way I look again, I'm only 23 but it's a rough 23. If I can actually stick to taking care of myself I think I'll buy some clothes and do some shaving next week, I threw out all my old clothes last time, the shaving is probably going to draw some attention I'd otherwise not have but I just gotta accept it and move it. Was trying my hardest not to make this a vent post but I really don't have anyone to talk about it just yet😅

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So I worked at one office for a year, quit and went to a different office a year later. They told me nothing carries over which I understood, but I'm at step AA already, and afaik CCAs start at step BB. Does that mean I'll be PTF in a year or am I just going to be at step AA for 2 years? Or something else?