u/FunnyGamer97

I loved you once, eons ago
I think I remember it, although now I'm not sure I know
The reason, the why or how it became such a fright
Now in my mind it is where a terror is stored.

Upon the night that we met I swear a curse was caused
It made me lose hope, it made me think I was not
Worthy of love, for what I'm worthy is what I am
And what I was is a person who gave in to desire and it's sad.

I am not a noble man, I have no legacy which will be mine
Other than a life of drugging and lulling innocent minds
Into my hope that I could love or I could be of what
I want in a person but that's a false something I've touched.

For in others I remember I felt warmth or a smile
It made me think I could love for a little while
But then push came to shove and selfishness came around
And now all that I have is a past of emptiness now

Where these lovers haunt me in cavities in my mind
Where in my bed I see them again and we still fight
I wish I had realized that kisses stay hidden in the night
Satan keeps track of the sin that we commit and tailors it to our lives.

At least that’s my experience.

People sometimes still tell me I’m young, but I’m not that young.

If I were to make the same mistakes I made when I was 19 years old people would think I was a fool.

And then when you think about your age and what you have accomplished, that’s what makes you feel like you’re missing out on something. Maybe I should be doing this, maybe I should be doing that, maybe I should’ve done this for the last three or four years.

But what’s even weirder is the loss of memory as you age. You forget people, you forget names, you forget experiences that you had when you were only a decade old. The things that make you remember situations are other people mentioning them but when you try to recall your life, it’s kind of blurry or only the certain emotional state your in that current day will allow you to remember events.

I’m not sure if my experience is universal for everyone. I’m told and from what I see when people have children that changes your expectations and how you recall your life as well. Because I am single and I’m well into my 30s, it’s like when you get older, you become despondent of your younger self, wishing you would find them again, but also detached from it, because experience grants you the wisdom of realizing nothing is permanent and so you are more passive and accepting.

All the while, you feel like you’re losing opportunity or what you used to be and that’s a mindfuck all of itself.

The older I get the one thing I lose more and more of is hope. I used to think things could change, that life had things worth experiencing.

I’ve been to 10 more states (I’m in the U.S.) bought a house, in the last 3 years, and I’ve gotten nothing from it. I feel like I’ve done nothing. Met people I dont know, I can’t recall any of their names, and the memories are dull.

I moved to a state where the people think I’m not a person because I like computers and code, because I don’t like tobacco or horses I’m not a real man now.

Getting into my mid thirties has been the most profoundly depressing, isolating experience. All you do is work, get no praise, and spend money like it’s fun coupons. People take advantage so you do. It’s disgusting.

I truly wish I had something to say “that was worth it.” But no. None of it was or is. Lots of mistakes which led me nowhere and doing nothing I enjoy but only surviving and barely living.

If that’s success I guess we all are succeeding. Maybe that’s the key to winning and being intelligent. If everyone is a fucking moron and life is miserable it takes little to be smart or be somewhat okay, and that’s a success.