How do I 26F handle the lack of intimacy with my fiancé 32M?
I 26F and my fiancé 32M have been together almost 4 years, and we have lived together for over 3 of those years at this point. The issue we have is that we have virtually no sex life. He is never in the mood to have sex. I have tried a lot of different things to improve intimacy between us, and have clearly communicated how much this hurts and upsets me.
I have tried wearing lingerie, having non sexual intimacy time, asking to schedule it, even trying to take sex off the table completely to relieve pressure. If we do try to “schedule” time to have sex, he will either conveniently forget or not be in the mood to try.
We have sex now less than once a month, I think the last time was earlier this year, and it makes me feel bad to initiate because it often feels like he’s only engaging in sex for my sake. It feels like no matter how many conversations we have, it doesn’t change. I’ve even done as far as asking him to tell me if he isn’t attracted to me anymore, and he claims that isn’t the case. I don’t believe it is either, because he’ll still hug and kiss me, or even grope me, but that only makes my frustration worse.
I am at a loss for how to navigate a conversation moving forward about my needs or expectations. Because, putting it as bluntly as I can, my needs are not being met at all, and it feels like he doesn’t care about that. I want to believe he does, but it hurts when I feel I can’t even trust he’s being 100% honest with me when I ask him to talk to me and tell me why he isn’t interested in intimacy with me.
As a small side note, I do know for a fact that he masturbates, and he also will frequently play porn games, one of the most recent ones being an online game where he plays with other people, and a part of me has become anxious that he’s now relying on this as his sexual outlet for intimacy, with no care or consideration from where I receive my sexual intimacy. I don’t want to be in a completely sexless relationship, I’ve tried telling myself it’s something I could come to be okay with, but it honestly isn’t.
Edit: I’m genuinely looking for any advice that can be given, as I’m really in over my head and don’t know how to handle this.