u/Gabelicious18

TLDR - a relationship summary and vent.

My last session with my therapist, she recommended me to read attached. We thought I was pretty anxious (we had 9 months together) and never considered avoidant really. But now that I've begun reading the book...... I may be more avoidant than anxious.

I do all the protest behaviors of both, I'm anxious when they don't call and measure their love by their text lengths. I keep my distance to maintain the independence always feeling like he wasn't enough and keeping little secrets.

I thought I was choosing him but I was just growing resentment without the right tools. When we met he blew me away and made me really uncomfortable by his closeness/readiness. We went on a few dates and then I caved and decided to give it a shot but it wasn't really because I wanted to, it was because he liked me and -why not? I was behaving in your typical avoidant manner.

I tried to keep him at a distance but as soon as we became official I got closer to him than anyone I've ever met. He appeared pretty secure, maybe a little anxious. I played those mind games unintentionally for anxious and avoidant. I needed his time but I needed to go out alone. I found him extremely attractive and someone I wanted a future with at the beginning but as time went on I found myself nitpicking his behavior, appearance, socialness.

It genuinely felt I was bipolar with the way I went back and forth with him and myself and the feelings I had towards the relationship. I lost friends because I went back to him because they were sick of the drama. I felt trapped in the situation with finances and being states away. I know he would have supported me to visit my family more often but there was a lingering sense that he wanted me to contribute financially equally which was hard to achieve and taking time off seemed wrong. My car kept breaking down and I was always stressed out.

Every time I was telling him I wanted to break up, he called it a "doomsday". It don't always start like that. I'd try to bring up issues or things in different ways without the break up language but it never seems to resonate without it. It made me feel like I had to keep it inside longer because I didn't want to be the problem for expressing a need or a want. He would alway embrace me and tell me it's okay and that we'll figure it out. But towards the end it became him saying "I feel like I'm never good enough. How would you feel if you were always the problem?"

Fair.

I used that and countless others as an excuse that we weren't right for each other and I felt like we couldn't connect well on an intellectual level and it messed with the avoidance. I would sense his uncomfortability if we were talking too long. He would shutdown in conversation about solutions. He wouldn't tell me when he had a problem unless I was telling him about my problem.

I thought I tried to mend the foundation but i just kept seeing faults and never felt total peace about choosing him. I felt like I was forcing myself and my therapist asked "are you 'in love' with him or do you just 'love him'?" That had me stumped because well what's the difference ? She literally had to spell it out for me to realize you can't force love. You can choose love but there has to be a foundation of love that makes it easier to keep choosing them. Not a dysfunctional back and forth that sends you spiraling every couple weeks.

I became so overwhelmed by the feeling of being unfulfilled. I became depressed. Like the most I've been before. I regretfully blamed him/the relationship. And I told him. I kept projecting that he was the problem, sure I had stuff but he needed to work on xyz. He had unprocessed childhood trauma that he minimized. He "tried" therapy. We tried couples counseling. Our first one said we wouldn't work out and that my expectations were too high for him.

I wish we would have found someone that worked with attachment styles. I think that could have actually helped us. He's generally a good man. We have the same morals and ideas for our future.

It was the communication we could never seem to hack.

I wish I hadn't involved him in my mess. I wish I could have been more honest with myself. I wish I said no when it came to dating or being engaged. I wish I knew then what I was doing. But I didn't do any of those things. I drew him in because he made me feel good at first, and then as I got scared by the closeness I started hurting him in ways I didn't even know I was capable of myself. I feel so much guilt. That's what kept me there so long in the first place. I felt like I owed him. I know it's deeper than the attachment styles now but holy moly would this knowledge have helped.

When I left I felt so free. Like I made the right decision. A week goes by and I'm writing a 4 page apology for every single way I mistreated him. I reach out to an old friend I had to cut off for him. I feel like I should be allowed to move on but simultaneously feeling disgusted. I don't know how I'll be able to forgive myself for the damage I did to this man that stood by all my shit for 3.5 years.

I just hope one day he'll be okay. That one day he'll find the love he deserves. That even if he'll never be the same that he can still be "okay". That he can find a good therapist and maybe even read this book too.

She said love is a feeling, it's out of your control
How can it be so simple, how do people grow old-
And never fall out of love?
You have to choose at some point right?
Or can love genuinely fit like a glove?
Can you find that person that never makes you doubt?
Can you love someone so hard it's like dancing on clouds?
All the time? Forever? Day in,day out?
A love unwavering, even in angry bouts?
A blood kind of love, always there.
On your darkest nights and see in despair.
No doubting or wondering, just knowing and loving,
You through it all, a genuine testing
Of life as it comes, together a team
In love, there's no thoughts to be mean.
Always uplifting, no one can get between.
Bad days grow bonds, not resentment
Fights aren't loud, a respectful commitment
That's the part you choose in love!
The way you treat each other and how you show up!
Perhaps it's obvious that you can't force love
For me, I thought just choosing was enough.
It's a visceral awakening when that feeling leaves.
Maybe not all at once but eventually
You become something you don't recognize
Something you can never unsee.
You actions have spoken, your body pulls away.
How can you treat someone you love that way?
The feeling is gone, it's a disservice to stay.
Choosing is no longer an option, now reality is knocking.
Emotions are flying, everything's a blur
You can't let this turn you into a monster.
Please just don't stay, you'll prolong the pain.
I know it's more comfortable than to face the shame.
But this isn't right and that feeling won't fade.
Please stop trying to convince me to stay!
I can't take it anymore, I can't keep hurting you, I want us both to find a love that's bulletproof.
This might be a mistake or a blessing in disguise, but we won't know if I don't try.
I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have, can we just move and learn from our past?
This pain is killer, but it's not worth dying for.
We will get through it, starting on the ground floor.
We may not end up together,
But I sincerely hope our next match is better.

Has anyone had experience with a break in a relationship for self growth with distance?

I'm quite gutted about leaving a man that has all the potential but consistently chooses to get comfortable and stop progress as soon as he feels like we're good. He doesn't initiate the work or conversations until after ive decided to leave or that maybe it's not working or we're not compatible.

I've left a few times. I know he doesn't feel completely safe with how much I've left and I can't blame him because I wouldn't feel safe either. What I can't believe is just how in love with me he is. So much that he is proposing I quit my job so I can stay and we have more time together to help us rebuild our relationship. It's the dynamic we both want endgame.

However I miss my family and I'm several states away and maybe I'm using that as an excuse to leave but I feel like I need to leave again. I'm already starting to set things in motion. But now he's begging again and he's not a bad guy it's just the same conflict cycle repeating that I'm afraid of because nothing changes on both sides. We've done therapy and all that jazz but it's just not enough. I need him to independently start digging into his past to understand himself and he just chooses not to. I have fallen out of love with him and I've told him that. He just wants me to stay.

In the emotion of a conversation we said maybe in 6 months we can try again after we work on ourselves or something but I don't want to keep leading him on and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to put it out there like that. I can't guarantee that I'll want to try again in 6 months. And hell maybe he'll realize that he deserves someone that doesn't want to leave as much as I did.

I'm feeling guilty about leaving something that's extremely good on paper but misses me emotionally. I know that our relationship is young and there's a lot to learn even with a potential new partner. He keeps talking me back and it's getting harder to leave. I have so much love and care for him and I don't want to hurt him. I want to believe that one day we could be great but I don't want to string him along any longer.

I'm leaving at the end of the month. I'm worried I'm making the biggest mistake of my life and throwing out the future we started to build. Despite everything our families were ready to accept each other. So that's an extra weight on the situation too.

Any advice???