I think I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been a bad disgusting person. Since I was 10 I’ve made some terrible life altering and traumatizing choices that I don’t wanna talk about because i don’t need people on Reddit knowing that much about me but just know it’s some pretty bad shit.
It’s always a cycle of me randomly losing common sense and dignity and making a horrible decision and then regretting it so deeply to the point of a self offing attempt. For example, just recently I cheated on my boyfriend and it completely broke my image of myself. All the years I spent trying to recover from my past and become a better person. All the time I spent in therapy and trying to be better all wasted because I randomly decided I wanted to ruin my long term relationship.
I lost everyone in my life. All my friends are gone, my mother hates me, my dad is in the grave, my boyfriend is tolerating me, my grandparents are the only people who really love and support me right now.
Bottom line is I feel so isolated and alone. And it’s my fault. I feel like my life is already over before it even began. I don’t see myself living a happy life anymore. I see a life of endless cycles and self loathing and self destruction. I don’t like myself. And I don’t feel I deserve happiness anymore. I can’t trust myself to not make another mistake that traumatizes another person who doesn’t deserve it. And in the future when it’s my time to go, I’ll have nobody to remember my name. And that thought scares me.
If someone can relate or has any advice I’d like to hear it. Even just telling me your story would help so much.