(26F) Wife has loose boundaries with men, late night walks with single neighbors, inappropriate touching with male friends, and calls me (26M) controlling. Are we incompatible or shall I try to make it work out?
Sorry guys long message/rant...
I (26M) grew up in a strict conservative religious household which mellowed out as I grew into adulthood. We were raised to respect elders, be polite and well mannered, and dress appropriately for the occasion. Things like women wearing very short shorts (including bikinis) were not acceptable but knee length skirts were okay in public. At home they could wear shorter shorts since we were home. Hope this just gives some context of where I come from.
My wife has no family due to a childhood tragedy and is close with a group of friends and new neighbors. She's very kind and outgoing which I did love about her. Some problems are:
- About 1 in 3 new people she meets (often men) end up becoming creeps or developing romantic feelings. She struggles to set boundaries or cut contact. She is stuck in this weird limbo of wanting to cut contact but also liking the attention if the person is not an old man. She is also afraid how they will react when she does cut contact. I offered every solution under the sun only to get shot down by her. It can take 6 to 12 months for her to cut contact from these creeps which drives me insane.
- She regularly takes long multi hour walks with her pets late at night or after midnight with single male neighbors (the non creepy ones) she calls friends. She says she can make friends of any gender as she likes and not to control her. Even when all these single male friends talk about is their sexual histories.
- She often "playfully" punches her male friends she has known since high school in the groin or smacks their ass which I find very inappropriate.
I could go on and it gets much worse but I gave the most tame ones. I have already forgiven her for those worse moments in the past. I know she loves me.
When I express concern about her safety or staying out late, she accuses me of being controlling and says she does what she wants. She brushes off any worry from me. She has a self proclaimed "savior complex," seeks validation from others, but uses me mainly as an emotional dumping ground.
I feel like we have major differences in values around boundaries, safety, physical appropriateness with the opposite sex, and partnership. She listens to my concerns and says no, not to control her life, and that she can do what she likes.
How do couples navigate differences like not wanting a spouse out after midnight or on long walks with single men in the evening? For example, requests like please don't go on a walk with x after x time, or please don't hang out with x at all because I don't feel comfortable. She responds that I need to learn to deal with it, women can be friends with men, and this is a me problem. I'm not against her making male friends but she continues with ones who have shown interest beyond friendship. She says she will only stop when they cross a boundary she sets. These are new neighbors we met months ago, not lifelong friends. How do I navigate feeling like my concerns after 5 years together are not prioritized?
Are we just incompatible or am I being unreasonable/controlling? I've been extremely patient with her and always de-escalating conflict. I also always take blame since at times I'm the reason for it. I always apologise first and try to be better.
I am already 1 year into this marriage. She lived 5 hours away at first and we only visited each other every 3 to 6 months when we were dating. We only moved in together in the past year and a half. It's then where she put her guard down. The thing is I do really love her but the differences in boundaries make it hard and it feels like my feelings don't matter as much in decisions.
I'm just confused how modern relationships navigate these differences. Should couples just accept big differences in boundaries and validation seeking?
I'm usually very careful and prepare very carefully for everything I do but I feel like I rushed into this. she isn't a bad person I know that. How do I navigate wanting a partner with stronger boundaries around entertaining people who like her, limiting certain physical contact with friends, and not constantly seeking validation from strangers?
**TL;DR:** 26M conservative husband, 1 year into marriage. Wife (no family, childhood trauma) is free-spirited with poor boundaries and a savior complex. She takes late-night walks with single male neighbors, does "playful" groin punches and ass smacks with high school male friends, attracts creeps and takes 6-12 months to cut contact while liking the attention if its a younger guy, and dismisses my safety/feelings as controlling. We lived apart during dating and she changed after we moved in. Feeling deep incompatibility on respect, boundaries, and partnership. I love her but worry I rushed and need advice on how to navigate this.