u/GateNervous5209

Okay so I never got it right with maths to begin with. My weakest subject has always been maths and the only time I saw my grades pivot for maths was during a month before my GCSEs where I miraculously jumped from a grade 5 to a 6. Then my dumbass decided to take it as an A level because I’ve always wanted to do an architecture degree in the future so with that majority of my teachers and friends & family encouraged me into taking to as an A levels. Turns out I never needed it 😝💔.

Just finished yeah 12 and I got ABE. Doing A level fine art, History and Maths.
Guess what I got an E on?? Maths.
I’ve been trying to move up to a B (optimistically) from the start of year 12 where I’ve also been on a E for maths 💀. I feel like I’ve dedicated so much time on maths but little to no progress has been made.

To be fair I was close to a D this time by 9 marks but still. I think I get the gist of how to revise maths but I don’t at the same time and I don’t know to spend my time wisely.
I also don’t think me spending a shyt ton of money on a tutor is gonna be worth it because it didn’t help during GCSEs and I know I’m not stupid but I’m js NOT clocking it 🙏.

I’ve got 2 months before Year 13 starts, so I want to use the summer properly.
So what should I do to improve. Also is me buying that graphics calculator worth it??

I love her to bits, and I’m grateful for everything she’s done for me, but living with her is becoming suffocating. I feel like I can’t express myself or make any decisions if she doesn’t approve of them.

She’s very religious and won’t let me wear anything that shows even a little bit of skin. She also stopped me from going to the sixth form I wanted. I’d spent months preparing for the interview, and she even agreed to come with me. Then the night before, she refused to go and wouldn’t even buy me a travel ticket, so I had to miss it. It felt like my future was taken away from me.

More recently, I’ve been planning a hiking trip with my friends after exams. I’d been talking to her about it for over three months, and she kept saying it was fine. As the date got closer, she suddenly started saying it was too dangerous and that something terrible would happen to me. Today she pressured me into cancelling it. She guilt-tripped me by saying that if anything happened to me she’d kick me out, that I’m a selfish daughter, and that she doesn’t love me anymore. Lately she keeps calling me selfish and saying I don’t care about her, and it really hurts.

My dad passed away seven months ago, so she’s the only parent I have left. Part of me feels like she’s become even more protective since losing him, and I understand that she’s grieving too. But at the same time, I feel like I’m losing my own life in the process.

I honestly feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to please her. I’m 17 now, and she always gets her way in the end. Every time I cave in, apologise, or beg for her forgiveness just to keep the peace, she smiles and acts like she’s won. She finds it funny, but it completely destroys my self-esteem. I end up feeling pathetic because I can never seem to stand my ground.

I know other teenagers who do far worse than I ever have, yet she’ll compare me to the worst people imaginable over something as small as not making my bed. She makes me feel like I’m a terrible daughter when I’m genuinely trying my best.

It also feels like having ambitions as a girl is somehow a problem. I want to be independent, have a career, travel, and make my own decisions, but she sees that as me being selfish or disobedient. Because of how strict she is, I’ve struggled to make friends. She tells me I don’t need them anyway. I’ve never had a boyfriend because she doesn’t allow relationships unless it’s for marriage, and I don’t want to hide things behind her back. I’m not even as religious as she is anymore, but I mostly go along with it to keep the peace.

I’m also really struggling with my mental health. I’m trying so hard to do well in school because I want a better future for myself, but it feels like every time I start working towards my goals, something pulls me back. I’m exhausted from constantly feeling like I’m disappointing the one person whose approval I’ve spent my whole life chasing.

I love her so much. I don’t want to resent her, especially after losing my dad, but I feel manipulated into giving up anything that’s important to me. Every time I try to do something for myself, it turns into an argument or a guilt trip.

I’ve honestly never spoken up about any of this before because I’ve always felt obligated to do what she wanted. She’s a great mum, don’t get me wrong. I could say so many positive things about her, and I’m incredibly proud of everything she’s’s done for me. This post isn’t meant to paint her as a bad person I just needed somewhere to let all of this out.

I know that once I’m older and more independent, I’ll probably stop relying on her approval as much. Lately I’ve been trying to find little ways to express myself, like secretly buying clothes that are a bit more “revealing” (and I mean just showing my shoulders or my legs a little, nothing crazy 😭). It’s one of the only ways I feel like I have some control over my own life.

The hardest part is seeing how much it genuinely affects her when I don’t do exactly what she wants. She gets so stressed, tells me she’s failed as a mother, says she’ll die sooner because of me, or acts like her whole life has been a mistake. Seeing her like that breaks my heart because I know she’s not a failure. She’s a good person, and I love her so much. I’d do anything for her, and I want to look after her for the rest of my life.

I just want to enjoy my own life too.

I’ve even asked her to come out and spend time with me because I don’t have many friends, but she never wants to. She spends almost all of her time at home. She was a housewife, and even now she doesn’t really want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t know… I’m just really struggling with all of this.

Has anyone else grown up with a parent like this? How did you start becoming your own person without destroying your relationship with them? I love my mum and I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for wanting a life of my own. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar.