u/Gcoco13

I’m (30F) trying to get some outside perspective on a friendship I’ve been slowly stepping back from.

This is a 12-year friendship that used to be very close. Over time, I’ve started to feel increasingly drained by the dynamic. There’s been a pattern of constant drama, gossiping (malicious stuff about people’s kids and marriages) and all around negativity. A lot of our interactions revolve around her problems it would be rare for her to even ask how I am doing, and I’ve often been the one supporting her and “picking up the pieces,” especially when others weren’t there for her.

Lately, I’ve grown a lot personally and realised I don’t want to take on that emotional load anymore. I’ve also made other friendships that feel much more balanced, supportive, and easy, which has made this all really clear.

There have also been multiple smaller incidents over the years that have chipped away at things like subtle digs at me, ruining my wedding with her personal problems about her own partner, and the list goes on and on!

Recently, there was a situation where she made a post online that didn’t sit right with me, it involved her messaging a random person asking why their child got taken off of them from a rumour she had heard. Her explanation around it felt inconsistent (initially implying someone impersonated her by a fake account, then saying she was hacked), which just added to my feeling that there’s always some kind of drama or chaos.

After that, I told her I’ve got a lot going on (which is true, parental illness, work etc) and that I need space and want to step back from taking on the constant issues and drama.

Since then, her reaction has been intense:
- Multiple messages when I didn’t reply immediately
- Calling me (which she never usually does)
- Messaging my husband to check on me
- Then getting her partner to message my husband as well, saying she was worried

None of this she’s ever done before even when I have actually expressed struggling in the past!

For context, there was no indication I was in danger, I had already responded saying I was okay but needed space from her.

What really bothered me is:
- The escalation felt completely disproportionate to the situation
- My boundary (needing space) wasn’t respected
- She implied something might be wrong in my marriage, which I found offensive (especially given she often complains about her own relationship privately while presenting it as perfect publicly)
- Involving my husband and then her partner felt like a big overstep

In the past I have communicated my feelings and then it’s turned on me being a bad friend or dramatising the situation, or I get gas lit!

At this point, I feel pretty done. The friendship feels draining, one-sided, and misaligned with where I am in life now. But I’m also trying to sanity check whether I’m overreacting to her behaviour, particularly the escalation and involving other people.

Would you consider this behaviour a boundary violation, or am I being too harsh?