u/GeneAggravating4222

I’m more like a peaceful IT guy. I’m not exactly an introvert, but I prefer meaningful conversations and genuine connections over being extremely extroverted.

Our relationship started in 2021. I met her during our 11th standard class trip. Everything was genuinely good till the end of 12th, but once we joined different colleges, things slowly started changing. She began feeling lonely very often. She always prefers having someone around, and it’s difficult for her to get used to being alone. On the other hand, I’m comfortable both alone and in groups.

Most of our fights and issues revolve around things like this:

1. In the 3 years after 12th, we never really went for treks or movies together. Meanwhile, she has gone to movies, restaurants, and treks with her colleagues, friends, and family. I had actually stopped going to theaters and treks because I felt I shouldn’t enjoy those things without her. I avoided them for almost 3 years. I still think that way sometimes, but one day I finally went out with my classmates because mentally I just wasn’t in a good mood.

Now it hurts me sometimes, if she can go with others, why has it not been possible for us to go even once properly in the last 5 years?

Her answer for almost everything is usually: “Someone will see us.”

Currently, we mostly meet at a coffee shop once every 2–3 weeks, and sometimes even once every couple of months.

1. She was preparing for NDA and later got involved in NCC, so there were very long periods of online long-distance communication, sometimes 6 months or more. During that time, even I started feeling lonely, and I occasionally used Discord to socialize.
2. She absolutely does not like help or assistance. For example, if she has multiple assignments, I’ll ask if she wants notes she can copy from, or if she’ll be busy, I’ll offer to deliver her assignments to a classmate for submission. But she really just never wanted help.
3. I enjoy reading about spirituality, philosophy, psychology, current affairs, business, and similar topics. Over time, I encouraged her a little to reduce watching K-dramas and anime and try reading books instead and she actually did.
4. Some of her habits genuinely bother me:

• She’ll say, “I’ll call you back in 5 minutes,” but then call after an hour. This happens very repeatedly.
• She often puts her phone on airplane mode. I’ve told her to at least keep it on silent because what if there’s an emergency and I genuinely need to reach her?
• Our daily mode of communication is mostly chat, not calls, even when she is available. Also, neither of our parents know about the relationship.

1. I once suggested that since we mostly chat all the time and chatting feels constrained and time-consuming, maybe we could try using a couples app, something where we could stay updated about each other’s mood, schedules, and daily life in a more connected way than just texting.
2. She cries very easily and also forgives very easily. On the other hand, if I have an issue, I address it directly and respectfully. If something hurts me, I clearly say: “I want to talk about this behavior because it’s affecting me.”

But she often starts crying immediately.

At the same time, if I choose not to address the issue and instead keep it buried, eventually something else happens, and my coping mechanism becomes distancing myself emotionally, which again makes her cry.

I’ve never disrespected her, but somehow both situations still end emotionally. She genuinely cares a lot, but occasionally when she gets angry, she starts disrespecting me . I don't think so anyone will like bad words from their partner. I usually just distance myself instead.

Recently, she has also started using curse words occasionally, probably because of influence from her NCC friends and environment. I told her that even if people use such language outside, at least when we are talking to each other, we should avoid it. I don’t think most people would prefer daily conversations with their partner filled with abusive language.

Her response was:
“You have a perfect image of your partner in your mind, and you’re trying to impose that on me. I’m not that perfect person.”

And then within minutes, she starts crying again.

One thing I’ve realized is that her crying affects how I make decisions. Subconsciously, I think I end up choosing her side or suppressing my own feelings just so she doesn’t cry. If I ignore her, she cries badly. If I get angry,  I simply maintain distance and stay quiet.

I’ve also tried having serious conversations multiple times to find a middle ground for our problems, but whenever we sit together, she keeps speaking continuously and emotionally, and I never really get the space to calmly initiate or structure a proper conversation to solve things together.

Somewhere I feel emotionally drained.

Really share your opinion and how this should be dealt with? Also how will it end? If this cycle does not stop?

tl;dr: I think my GF does not listen to me, and we end up fighting over same things.

I’m more like a peaceful IT guy. I’m not exactly an introvert, but I prefer meaningful conversations and genuine connections over being extremely extroverted.

Our relationship started in 2021. I met her during our 11th standard class trip. Everything was genuinely good till the end of 12th, but once we joined different colleges, things slowly started changing. She began feeling lonely very often. She always prefers having someone around, and it’s difficult for her to get used to being alone. On the other hand, I’m comfortable both alone and in groups.

Most of our fights and issues revolve around things like this:

1. In the 3 years after 12th, we never really went for treks or movies together. Meanwhile, she has gone to movies, restaurants, and treks with her colleagues, friends, and family. I had actually stopped going to theaters and treks because I felt I shouldn’t enjoy those things without her. I avoided them for almost 3 years. I still think that way sometimes, but one day I finally went out with my classmates because mentally I just wasn’t in a good mood.

Now it hurts me sometimes, if she can go with others, why has it not been possible for us to go even once properly in the last 5 years?

Her answer for almost everything is usually: “Someone will see us.”

Currently, we mostly meet at a coffee shop once every 2–3 weeks, and sometimes even once every couple of months.

1. She was preparing for NDA and later got involved in NCC, so there were very long periods of online long-distance communication, sometimes 6 months or more. During that time, even I started feeling lonely, and I occasionally used Discord to socialize.
2. She absolutely does not like help or assistance. For example, if she has multiple assignments, I’ll ask if she wants notes she can copy from, or if she’ll be busy, I’ll offer to deliver her assignments to a classmate for submission. But she really just never wanted help.
3. I enjoy reading about spirituality, philosophy, psychology, current affairs, business, and similar topics. Over time, I encouraged her a little to reduce watching K-dramas and anime and try reading books instead and she actually did.
4. Some of her habits genuinely bother me:

• She’ll say, “I’ll call you back in 5 minutes,” but then call after an hour. This happens very repeatedly.
• She often puts her phone on airplane mode. I’ve told her to at least keep it on silent because what if there’s an emergency and I genuinely need to reach her?
• Our daily mode of communication is mostly chat, not calls, even when she is available. Also, neither of our parents know about the relationship.

1. I once suggested that since we mostly chat all the time and chatting feels constrained and time-consuming, maybe we could try using a couples app, something where we could stay updated about each other’s mood, schedules, and daily life in a more connected way than just texting.
2. She cries very easily and also forgives very easily. On the other hand, if I have an issue, I address it directly and respectfully. If something hurts me, I clearly say: “I want to talk about this behavior because it’s affecting me.”

But she often starts crying immediately.

At the same time, if I choose not to address the issue and instead keep it buried, eventually something else happens, and my coping mechanism becomes distancing myself emotionally, which again makes her cry.

I’ve never disrespected her, but somehow both situations still end emotionally. She genuinely cares a lot, but occasionally when she gets angry, she starts disrespecting me . I don't think so anyone will like bad words from their partner. I usually just distance myself instead.

Recently, she has also started using curse words occasionally, probably because of influence from her NCC friends and environment. I told her that even if people use such language outside, at least when we are talking to each other, we should avoid it. I don’t think most people would prefer daily conversations with their partner filled with abusive language.

Her response was:
“You have a perfect image of your partner in your mind, and you’re trying to impose that on me. I’m not that perfect person.”

And then within minutes, she starts crying again.

One thing I’ve realized is that her crying affects how I make decisions. Subconsciously, I think I end up choosing her side or suppressing my own feelings just so she doesn’t cry. If I ignore her, she cries badly. If I get angry,  I simply maintain distance and stay quiet.

I’ve also tried having serious conversations multiple times to find a middle ground for our problems, but whenever we sit together, she keeps speaking continuously and emotionally, and I never really get the space to calmly initiate or structure a proper conversation to solve things together.

Somewhere I feel emotionally drained.

Really share your opinion and how this should be dealt with? Also how will it end? If this cycle does not stop?