What it was exactly, I can't put my finger on but I do know one thing for sure. Never had it before you, nor after.
I think about you more than I'd like to admit. I hope maybe one day our paths intertwine but if not? I'll always look back on our time together as the greatest experience of my life, the good and the bad.
With love, always.
Yours.
I dont want to feel like this. If there was a button I could press or a switch that I could flick to stop feeling for you and yearning for you, I'd hit it so fast.
You dont want me, I get that. Your heart belongs to someone else. Against my own will at this point, my heart remains yours and its killing me.
I mean, when are you not?
I know you don't see it right now, but that saying "Home is where the heart is" applies to us.
My heart is always open to you. Please come home.
Not just in the words you spoke. You made sense in a way that was less to do with words, more so it was a feeling.
I spent years floating through life, family, work and everything else. None of it made sense to me. I just ebbed and flowed with what I presumed life was meant to be while never feeling right.
Until I met you, that is. You made it so that life and everything that happened until that point all had meaning.
Now I have to accept, it's not me you want. I will, as much as it hurts, but tell me, why is it my heart only wants you?
Nothing makes sense anymore. I miss you.
You said you loved me. I said it back. Only one of us meant it.
You said we'd have a future, and I went about planning it. Only one of us meant it.
You said you'd never let go, im still holding on. Only one of us meant it.
I meant it all.
I won't text or call even though I really want to. Life is just quiet without you. It's a silence I can't cope with and the daily struggle to undo it ends up undoing me.
Perhaps in another life, you and I got to be everything we wanted to be together.
Sometimes, you don't realise the reality of simple words until they apply to you and your life so much all you can do is sit back and say, "So thats what that feels like?"
That word for me is regret.
For a notification that I know isn't coming. I can't let go of the hope that one day, maybe you'll reach out. I still have all our old photos and can't bring myself to delete them.
In fact, I was going through them this evening. Which leads me here, each time it gets too much? I write here.
I can accept that I'm not the one you have in your heart anymore, but why is it my heart can't accept anyone but you?
My heart hurts. I miss you, and I love you. Forever.
What I would do to hear from you one more time. A call, message or even a smoke signal at this point. I'd take anything as a sign.
It can't be just me feeling like this.. I can't be the only one..
Please come back.
I dreamt of you last night. It felt so real that for 3 seconds after waking up, I expected to turn around to you. My soul shattered when my reality dawned.
I went to work, put a brave face on for as long as I could, broke down in my car during lunch and called my sister to pour my heart out.
As much as it hurts? I can deal with you not loving me back but one thing I can't cope with is how ill never stop loving you.
When I woke up, it took me a few seconds to realise it was all a dream.
Those were the best 3 seconds I've had in a while.
I hope today you're doing well. I love you.
I dont feel bad today. I don't feel like I miss you all that bad today either. Still thought about you as soon as I woke up.
I wondered if you slept well. Hoped you had a nice dream but most of all, even if it was just in passing, I hope you thought about me too.
Even on the good days, you're still at the forefront. I love you and miss you.
Not because im obsessed. Not because its now unattainable and coveted more. No ill never stop loving you because it's as routine to my body as breathing and arguably more crucial.
The part of me that exists for the moment where I reminisce about us, the good times and the bad is truly the only part of me that feels remotely alive anymore.
That's why I hold on. That's why 7 years later, you're the only thing I think about.
Do I ever cross your mind? In the silence, im sure but in the everyday moments?
When you do your hair, when you wash the dishes, when you feed the cats or even when you're out with your friends in a crowded place. Do I ever cross your mind?
In those moments. For me? You're the only thing I think about so much I forget what I'm doing. Where I am, who I'm with if even just momentarily.
No matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing, my mind always decides that it'd prefer the memory of you over the reality of today.
Just for one message. One call. Anything to break the silence that persists in your absence.
I hope one day it's me you choose. I'll be here, breathing, existing, hoping solely for you.
I find myself asking would I go back to the start again even though I know how it all ends.
In a heartbeat. Every day. It will only ever be you.