u/GeneralCornholio

I am 22 years old and I am thinking about killing myself. I live in a residential home and I have schizophrenia. I feel like I will never be able to get a job again, and I don't think I qualify for social security because my mental illness isn't severe enough. I quit my last job without notice during a psychosis episode and I lost the life I used to have. Even if I could get a job I don't think I could keep it. I went to a mental hospital around a month ago for suicidal thoughts and I went back to my "home" the next day. The home staff took my belts away because I told my therapist I put a belt around my neck.

I can't even work at all where I am at. I hate being here, I have developed an addiction to cigarettes to cope, it's one of the "best" things still in my life. My best possible outcome is going to an adult foster care home in a few months. I want to live on my own, but I don't think that will be possible for me. I can't imagine living another 10-20 years of sadness. Going back to the mental hospital doesn't make me less suicidal, it just makes it harder to access methods. I don't know what to do.

G said to remember oneself everywhere and always. How can a person self remember when falling into an unconscious state, (closing your eyes and falling asleep) and during an unconscious state (sleep). There are clearly two forms of sleep. The awake state of sleep and the asleep state of sleep. Furthermore, when I wake up I still feel the effects of sleeping throughout the night. I believe subconscious (the real consciousness) buffers are added, created, or even removed throughout the night, or anytime during sleep. I believe this is how humanity is kept in a state of sleep.

It is my belief that evil intellect manages the power structure not just of society, but human reality. Do you ever question why we have to sleep? Perhaps there is another place, outside of Earth existence, in which the beings who reside do not sleep, but are of full consciousness, without buffers, without false personality. I consider that to be the realm of God. I believe She may assist in The Work, if someone prays, or asks her in an inward facing way.

If anyone gets anything out of my diatribes, please help me understand how to self remember everywhere and always, even during sleep. I believe I have buffers today I won't have tomorrow, and buffers tomorrow I don't have today.