u/GeneralObjective9851

i don't know what to do anymore, i wish i can find love and attention from other but every time i do it stings me back, i will try sharing my story with my ex gf and how i talk to my friends, and then explain why i think it might be related to me having a bad relationship with my mom
23M, never had real friends or gf, all online, most of the time when i try to make friends or find a gf it goes something like: i find a community about something i'm into > i try talking there > have fun talking with them > they often enjoy spending time with me (at the beginning) > a while later they realize i'm very clingy and attached to them > they become frustrated and either block me or slowly back away from me

my first relationship was years ago, met her on a discord server, treated her at first the same way i treat everyone i talk to, the discord server admins announced that they will start a minecraft server, i join, and it happens that she joins too, i already had feelings for her because she treated me nicely so i tried getting closer to her on the minecraft server, helping her grind and build and voice chat with her etc.. then we became even closer, we used to play different games like fate grand order, terraria, genshin, stardew valley, we had a similar taste in games like soulsborne, we both loved the fate franchise and a lot of the stuff Type-Moon studio produced and visual novels in general, we used to discuss about history and philosophy and books, all of that seems to be good which is why i was very clingy to her, i had genuine happiness when she texted me, but she seemed to get annoyed from my behavior, like me being more energetic compared to her.. sending her too many messages, and long messages too, constantly tried to get her attention, if i saw her texting in other servers or group chats i would try to intervene and join the conversation, and if i had nothing to say that would contribute to the conversation (them talking about something i'm not into) i'd be reading the chat very upset that she's having fun with other people and not me, it used to bother me when she replies late and says she's texting her other female friends, i tried asking her to let me in the group chats she's in but she refused, i tried getting closer to her by observing her activites like the comments she used to post on reddit and social media and pinterest and discuss it with her, she usually got frustrated and said i'm stalking her which i don't understand why is she upset that i was trying to get closer to her and learn how she behaves online so i can communicate with her in a better way? why does get upset when i observe her facebook and twitter replies and posts? it's a sign that i care about her and love the way she talks and the content she produces on the internet, it is a love language, and her content was public anyway, but after she noticed she privated her twitter and pinterest account and got very upset with me, and then at one time she told me to "f**k off" and stop bombarding her with messages everyday, i tried asking her why she was upset and that all what i was doing is because i loved her, i loved talking to her and getting attention from her, i loved observing what she posts online, but apparently she didn't share the same feelings, she slowly started backing away from me, i tried getting closer and finding the servers and gcs she's active in but sometimes she says "how tf did u get in here?" she seemed to hate the fact that i want to be with her and spend time with her, she used to be frustrated when i tell her that i was for example walking on the street or showering while thinking about a conversation we had before, even if when i'm thinking about it her it is in a positive way, remembering a good memory we spent, she still didn't like it that i was thinking about her a lot.. until she snapped from all of this and one day at night time she sent a few short messages saying that i was emotionally overwhelming for her and exhausting her and that she'll block me, she probably thought i was asleep and that i won't respond but i quickly read the messages and responded back, she said i'm very attached to her in an unhealthy way and that i should "get a life" (???) and learn how to have normal human experiences, and blocked me, i tried texting her from different accounts and platforms but she blocked me one after one and didn't even bother responding.

i had different relationships after this one, all were online, but they kinda went the same so i don't think i should explain them too, but one of them went even worse, one of the gfs i once had was very frustrated about my clinginess to the point where she despised me and spread rumors about me.. these rumors were so vile that i got banned from the server and even when i contacted the mods and proved to them that non of that is true i didn't even bother requesting an unban because the damage was already done no point in going back.

the way i treat my male friends is similar to how i treated me ex, very clingy and get upset when i see them talk to other people and not me, some of them are fine with it (they aren't most of the time), some told me to stop acting like this, some blocked me, i still have a few friends but they don't match my energy unfortunately.

i think this whole clinginess is because my mother didn't give me attention, when i was young i used to get physically and mentally abused by her, she despised me and saw me as inferior compared to my other siblings.. she hated hearing my voice to me and tried silencing me when i tried talking to her, i think this has an impact on me to the point where i don't see women as potential wife.. i see them as a mother.. someone that could compensate me for what my mom couldn't.. obviously it goes without saying that most women don't like this behavior and don't like it when their man is too clingy to them.