Protecting my privacy and my baby
Hello everyone,
This is my first Reddit post; I hope I haven’t used the wrong tags. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this!
I’m pregnant and about to give birth (my due date is in a week’s time). My parents, who live in another country, are travelling here tomorrow to be with me before the birth. They are very happy, really keen to be involved in my baby’s life (I say ‘keen’, but my mum actually used the word ‘need’…) and have made it very clear how eager they are to meet their first grandchild and play a part in their life.
I have several concerns: firstly, in the run-up to the birth, I’m by nature very shy and introverted, and I don’t really want to spend my last ‘child-free’ week with my parents; I’d much rather keep to myself, alone with my partner. I’m looking forward to this birth with great joy but also a lot of apprehension, and I think I need these final moments of introspection. I don’t know how to make this clear to my parents, who confuse their own excitement with mine and who won’t hesitate to make me feel their disappointment at having made the journey and not being able to see me (even though I never asked them to come and have been trying to set boundaries since the start of my pregnancy).
When it comes to the postpartum period, the concern is the same, but even worse: I’ve already made it clear that we don’t want any visits at the hospital and that we’ll let them know when we’re ready to have them round at home, but I’m worried they won’t respect my wishes (by hanging around near the hospital or near our home, staying for hours at our place, insisting on holding the baby despite our reluctance, etc.) and that they’ll make me feel the same sense of urgency (“We won’t be in the country for long”, etc.).
I have a very superficial relationship with my mother, who was very controlling and authoritarian and who always put her emotions, needs and ideas before mine during my childhood and teenage years (my father is kind, but completely subservient to my mother’s wishes). Our rocky relationship has calmed down since I moved 6,000 km away from her home 10 years ago, and I’m very happy with this distance. However, she’s absolutely crazy about babies and already seems ready to want to ‘take’ mine (it’s hard to explain, but that’s how I’ve felt ever since I told them I was pregnant, and it’s driving me mad).
So my question is this: how can I get these overbearing people to respect my boundaries? I know they mean well and do it out of love, but their very domineering way of doing things has always taken precedence over me, my personality and my needs. Under normal circumstances, I’d probably take the time to reason with them… but I feel that time is running out. Above all, I really don’t want to spend my energy thinking about my parents, but only on my child and the family that my partner and I are about to start.
I don’t want to deprive my parents of seeing their grandchild, but I’d like them to understand that their role in my baby’s life will be limited to whatever role I choose to give them (and which I don’t yet know), and, above all, will be earned if they prove to me that they can respect our boundaries.
Thanks a lot for your help!