u/General_Honeydew2688

Hi friends! I don't have BPD, but I have a friend who does and am currently in a bit of a pickle with her and a coworker friend. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to condense as much as possible.

My BPD/OCD friend (Jess) matched with an intern at my workplace (Jared). She asked for my thoughts on him, I said he was sweet but last I heard, he had a crush on my coworker friend (Jane) who was crushing on him in return, but wasn't going to act on it due to illegality. We called Jane, she explained that she's been keeping Jared at arms length and doesn't have a crush anymore. Jane and I talked further and as I suspected, the crush was due to proximity and forbidden aspect, Jane doesn't have any real feelings for Jared.

Jess & Jared date for a little bit, but break up bc "the relationship moved too fast," according to Jared. Jared tells Jess that he talked with Jane and she confessed feelings for him before the official breakup. Jess, understandably, gets upset that Jane lied about having feelings for Jared, and her confession happened while they were still dating.

I then go talk to Jane, bc her confessing feelings was far out of left field for me and did not align with anything I had seen or heard from her. Jane tells me Jared came to her and said he and Jess broke up, and they cleared the air about having a crush on each other, pushing professional boundaries, and moving forward in a professional manner through the end of his internship. I asked Jane if she confessed feelings for Jared and the look on her face told me pretty definitively that she did not confess active feelings for him. The conversation was about their former crushes, clearing the air, and moving forward, according to Jane, which aligned with what I saw at work and previously talking to Jane.

Jess is naturally pretty hurt by Jane "lying" to her, but I try to explain that I don't believe Jared's story of events, and I don't think Jane confessed feelings, they just cleared the air about their former mutual crush, and she didn't lie when saying she doesn't have feelings for Jared. This conversation happens across several days with Jess upset at Jane and me trying to defend Jane while still supporting Jess' feelings and version of events.

So, my question is, what is the best way for me to say, "your brain is lying to you, Jared misconstrued events or straight up lied, I'm not sure which, but Jane does not have feelings for Jared, she did not confess feelings for Jared, and she did not lie to you about liking Jared, please stop demonizing Jane and turn your anger towards Jared."

Thank you for reading this far and any input you provide. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

TLDR: My BPD (and OCD) friend was dating someone I work with, he had a crush on a coworker friend of mine, she also had a crush on him but feelings weren't "real"(circumstantial due to working together closely/forbidden so feelings heightened), pwBPD and male coworker broke up, male coworker says my coworker friend confessed her feelings for him, I hear a very different story from her, pwBPD won't believe me when I say I don't think she has feelings for him anymore and believes my coworker friend to be a snake.

Long story, as seen with the TLDR. Further context: my coworker friend (F26, Jane) was put on a project with an intern (M22, Jared). Due to working closely together for awhile, Jane confessed this past winter that she was starting to develop feelings for Jared, but would not be acting on it as there are rules against it and she obviously cares about her job above a date. Regardless, she told me about different interactions between them and how it seemed like Jared was flirting with her.

Fast forward to early this spring, and my friend w BPD (F26, Jess) matched with Jared on a dating app and asked my opinion of him since I work with him. I said he was sweet, but had a crush or something on my other coworker last I heard, which had been 2 months ago at this point. We call Jane and she says she is over the crush, she has been keeping him at arms length, and Jess should date him.

They date for a bit, he felt like the relationship went too quick, they break up. I hear two different stories on what happened.

Jess story: Jared left Jess' apartment Tues night to think things through, Wed morning he goes to work and talks with Jane about what happened, Jane confesses her feelings for him, Wed afternoon Jared breaks up with Jess. Jess is upset that Jane lied about not having feelings for Jared and that her confession led to them breaking up.

Jane story: Jared comes into work, they talk for 15 minutes about a variety of personal things, such as Jane looking for a new job (unrelated to current situation), Jared's relationship with Jess, and the mutual crush between Jared & Jane last winter. Jared said him and Jess were broken up, and they clear the air about their mutual crushes/pushing professional boundaries with the intention of finishing out their working relationship in a professional manner, no active/current feelings confessed.

I believed Jane's story, since her story matched how I perceived their relationship and have witnessed her keeping Jared at arms length, and the look on Jane's face when I said I heard she confessed her feelings for Jared told me that that DEFINITELY did not happen.

Jess gets stuck on Jane confessing feelings for Jared and lying to her about having feelings for Jared, I try to explain that I don't believe Jared's story, when I talked to Jane, I got a different vibe and don't believe she really does have feelings for him, while still trying to be supportive of her feelings and the side of the story she was told. No matter what I say, Jess doesn't believe that Jane didn't confess feelings for Jared, and if I defend Jane too much, Jess gets upset that I'm "supporting Jane and Jared dating instead of supporting her."

So, how do you deal with a pwBPD just not believing you? Do I just directly say, "your brain is lying to you, I don't believe any of that happened, Jared is misconstruing the story." How do you deal with a pwBPD/OCD not believing you?

Additionally, I have therapy today and will be discussing with my therapist, but wanted opinions of people who has potentially dealt with this before.