u/General_Stranger2633

I’ve noticed that movies with themes of grief (aftersun,all of us strangers), existentialism (past lives, soul) and suicide/suicidal ideations (sorry baby, sentimental value) tend to resonate with me most of the time. Bonus points if they have all three (perks of being a wallflower).

Apart from the ones listed above some I’ve enjoyed are hamnet, train dreams, eternity, twinless, a silent voice, little miss sunshine, the Truman show, the lion king and >!dead poets society!<

I will say, however, that they don’t always resonate with me. I didn’t particularly like Manchester by the sea (everyone loves it apparently so I guess it’s just a personal thing).

Growing up gay in a catholic family within a homophobic and deeply religious country (Nigeria) meant that fear was a big part of my religious beliefs.

I felt so much shame behind my sexuality and tried to pray it away. When that didn’t work I went through the mental gymnastics of convincing myself that hell was only meant for people who intentionally hurt people despite my religion preaching hell for anybody who wasn’t a cishet Christian.

In 2019-2020 I took a Christian religious studies course for my pre-degree. There they taught us about the old and New Testament as well as religious history and philosophy. It was there that I began to actually interrogate Christianity secretly.

I watched a lot of atheist debate videos and historical dissections of the church, especially the Catholic Church. I found myself agreeing a lot with the atheists. I started to realize that an all loving god and hell cannot coexist.

So I stopped believing in eternal damnation and that was the first domino to fall. My beliefs were fear based, and once you remove the scary part, you remove the foundation and the structure is compromised. I started seeing the world for what it is and Christians for what they are.

The final nail in the coffin was the death of a close family member (no pun intended) in April 2023. My maternal grandmother passed in July 2021, my paternal grandmother in February 2022 and my maternal grandfather in January 2023. Three months later in April my mother also lost her younger brother. It was sudden and shocking to say the least.

Prior to this my mother had lost her sister in 2007 and eldest brother in 2013. Considering how religious my family is this felt extra cruel especially to my mother and her last remaining brother.

I know my mother prays a lot so I began to wonder if praying actually does anything. I was away at school when this happened and no one told me for a few days and that really fed my anxiety and I thought that even if I prayed it wouldn’t keep my family safe.

Right now I’m agnostic leaning towards atheist because I still wonder if I’m wrong. But with all the shit going on in the world I’ve concluded that if god does exist, he’s either all loving or all powerful but not both.

I don’t have a lot of people to share my story with so I decided to post it here. Feel free to share your deconstruction stories.