u/GhostOfLesterCheatum

Granted, there’s no way Phil would last at pretty much any job he gets, and despite how much we love the “immortal Pigroach” meme, I really doubt he’s long for this world anyway. He’s 45 and is basically in the physical state of a dying senior citizen, and not only refuses to change course but is convinced he’s living healthy. He’ll be long gone by the time the well completely dries up. Besides, despite all his begging, his problem isn’t lack of income, it’s overspending. He actually makes good money, he just instantly blows nearly all of it on sweaty Hogans.

But for Phil to even begin to go about getting a job in the first place, he would have to accept the following:

1. He can only get entry entry entry level. Meaning, shitty jobs that convicts get, and probably not very physical ones at that. He has no marketable skills or job experience in decades, and one Google search of his name sends you down a rabbit hole of absolute insanity, toxicity, and stupidity.

2. Believing there is somehow no chance of his streaming ever being as lucrative as the minimum wage work he would have to get, even if he gets some kind of public assistance or disability while streaming. This is honestly not likely to ever be true, but even if it is, he has to believe it is, that there are no more OnlyIcedCoffees or Timboslices or Asmongolds or Kino Casinos left to find and get boosted or propped up by. He’s stubborn and slow to adapt or even realize when the jig is up. And if he’s clearly down on finances, there’s likely going to be Keemstar or someone similar who will swoop in and offer to pay him good money to degrade himself, meaning he’ll at least still get to be DSP and rake in sweaty-Hogan-bucks and never have to leave the Snort Fort and face the world. Phil may reject a Keemstar-type business offer for now, which I actually think was a good decision; but if it’s between that and going out and getting a real job, he’ll stoop as low as he has to to avoid the latter.

3. He has to work with others. Listening, cooperating, compromising, deferring, playing ball, not acting like he knows how to run the business better than others, not trying to establish some social hierarchy with people or talk their ear off about bullshit. Phil of course can’t stand this because he’s too used to being selfish and all the other people are always idiots who can’t do their jahb.

4. He has to get out, face the world, and have actual normal human interactions in real life after years of being a shit-scared paranoid agoraphobic shut-in who can’t even bring himself to talk back to people insulting him in voice chat. This also likely means dealing with upset customers, some of them assholes, and having to maintain some decorum and not fall apart and shit himself from fright at actually being confronted in real life where he can’t just ban them and call them mouth-drooling morahns and tell them to eat shit from his ayASS from the safety of his room. That’s assuming detractors don’t show up and mess with him a bit.

5. He’s a regular nobody and has to shut up about his so-called legacy. Most likely no one at the job is going to even know or care that he’s DarkSydePhil the robust authentic Italian mature adult-style human and meaningful khantent creator with a decades-long legacy and 4th place EVO win who invented the Let’s Play and video food review, and fought the war against the mouth-drooling idiot trolls. If they do, it most likely won’t be nice. Either way, no one is going to be impressed or recognize his “accomplishments” or think that much of him at all. He’s not the “king” of anything out there. He’s plain old unremarkable awkward Phil Burnell with the oddly-shaped head, employee #220, and he either puts the x in the y on time like everyone else or he’s “laid ahff” (fired).

6. He has to learn how to even apply for the job correctly, meaning the right position, resume, cover letter, interview, etc. This means getting some kind of coach, guidance counselor, or case worker, and actually following their advice and working with them. It’s not the way it was 20 years ago and the trends are frequently changing. And it’s Phil, so you know he’s going to apply to management positions outside of his range, tell exaggerated and impertinent things about his experience, and be incredibly awkward and off-putting in any interview setting.

7. He has to lay extremely low at the job and not ever let slip to anyone online what his job is, and hope that none of his dedicated and sleuthing detractors who do things like track his finances, triangulate his house, or doxx nearly anyone associated with him happen to find out where he works, or else the place is getting called and harassed and trolled to high hell and he’s “laid ahff” (fired).

8. An extreme decrease in his discretionary spending and standard of living. No more daily extravagant sweaty Hogan-harvests, no more Pokepulls, no more statue binges, no more constantly DoorDashing slop, no more getting money right now by begging for it, no more ability to avoid budgeting, no more living high on the hog. Either he reigns in his spending and lives more humbly or he goes into debt and gets in trouble again.

9. Curbing his addictions in general, starting with alcohol. You can’t drink like this guy does and be steadily employable, and you definitely can’t drink on the job like this guy’s been doing. He has to admit he has a problem and get help.

10. Regular strict schedule. No more rolling out of bed whenever and waddling to his home office to start, no more being chronically late or “the king shows up when he wants and you LIKE it, ya get it chief?”, no more meager hours of low-effort work with long and frequent breaks, no more staying up late on a work night getting trashed. Either he shows up consistently at the times he’s told and actually works or he’s “laid ahff” (fired).

11. The trolls and detractors win because he finally had to get a job.

Do you really think that Phil is going to accept and abide by even one of those conditions, let alone all of them? If so, I know of a streamer you can donate to who I think would be perfect for you. Give me a D…Give me an S…

Phil’s technically most listened to music by a long shot is the fan remixes of him that he used as prestream music for years and years before he moved onto the stock AI stuff. He’s made references to hearing those remixes when he played them and probably didn’t bother to mute them to himself, so for 6 days a week for years on end this insane narcissist listened to the same handful of goofy simple techno and rock tracks set to samples of him clowning around and yelling at games, including like the 5 different versions of “Thugs On Da Flo”. I imagine even he got sick of them, but I would not be surprised if he still occasionally listens to those behind the scenes to gas himself up. Could totally imagine him throwing those on to enjoy and vibe to while he pulls some sweaty Hogans.

Just imagine the toll that took on his psyche, just listening to the same shite remixes of himself over and over and over.

Phil was a champion Street Fighter player WHILE he was a bodybuilder WHILE he was valedictorian WHILE he built gaming PCs as a hobby WHILE he was a clever troll WHILE he was dating models WHILE he was a budding influential early pioneering khantent creator who invented Let’s Plays and food reviews, all while dealing with a back injury and moving forward pahsitively, dood! It’s all the fault of those damn dirty trolls that he isn’t an ultra-rich mega-pahpular respected chiseled 5D Chessmaster millionaire in a snazzy mayansion getting blown every day by sweaty Hogans, I mean by bikini babes, I mean his mom, I mean his wife.

Or was that someone else?

He sounds like he’s hung over and retching into the toilet with basically every word he says, especially when he says words like “thayAT”, “bayACK”, and “ayASS”.

For example, Hate Live was when he verbally shat into the camera with a live audience in time-variant slots. The Level 1 Podcast is when he verbally shits into the camera with a live audience as a default first event of a streaming day with preset topics, except when he doesn’t really have them. The Morning Show is when he waits for his live audience to give him prompts for verbally shitting into the camera instead of deciding the topic himself, except when he already has topics ready. And that’s only when it’s done in the morning. If it’s done at any other time then it’s Chill With Phil. And the Daily Wrap is for a separate recorded on-demand CliffNotes version of what happened that day, which is very important because DSP’s life should be digested as part of Current Events and The News.

Kind of like how there’s DSP Tries It for fast food chain items, except when it isn’t, and Pheasting With Phil when it’s not fast food, except when it is.

These designations all make total sense, and are there for a reason, and are totally different and important. You just can’t grasp the complexity of DarkSydePhil’s Machiavellian 5D Chess mind.

What matters is that Phil gets to talk and have treats, and you pay him and shut your pie hole.