u/GiftofNatur

Maybe it helps to write again. I am so sad.

Nobody will understand how much impact it has, of never having had a loving mother..

A mother who pushed, scolded, who punished if you didn't please her, and who didn't care if I was away, but at the same time blamed you for not caring enough. A mother who doesn't send a birthday wishes, but states to everyone that you're such an a-social bitch. And somehow my sisters believe her.

I listened for thousand of hours to her anger, while my father just walked out of the room (I wanted to write "father" because he was more a man in a home, than something like a father. I didn't learn any strength or boundaries...just walking away.).

Now after decade alone, I sometimes visit a kind lady, and I am grateful that someone seems to care a tiny tiny tiny little bit about my existence.

I notice that even a tiny thing she says about her child, is like salt in my wounds. I just realise my mother probably never said anything kind about me..

And I think about how I told something to a therapist (who I quit later on), but actually She has no clue. How can you know, how alone this feels, if you're happily social and married and spiritual life and therapist in an upper class area, also told me she never went alone after age 19.

Why can't they just say, you are but do the pretending.

It's as if you arrive in the office with clean clothes and hair, they assume you're one of them. And mentioning how hard it is, is being too negative.

I litteraly send my therapist an email: Sorry for being negative.

And she didn't respond to it..Only to the second topic in the email.

This isn't being negative, right ? Isn't there one place on earth where I can tell the truth of how I feel. No, no, not the therapist office. Keep it light, or she gets tired and flacky.

I regret that I tried for someone to understand me. To exhaust myself with talking to people, who can't see how deep this goes. I regret to answer her questions, while she could not hear me. I still don't understand why clear terms about the abuse, sound like I just tols her what I had for dinner and she doesn't come back to it.

Isn't it caring, if you ask a client about details of for example a sexual abuse, that in the weeks or months after, you mention it again? You let her know that you know that she's still living with that wound?

My therapist did not say something about it for 4 months(till I quit) and even in the final email she said I have probably repressed anger to my mother, so I better come.

And always I tried to stay positive, to keep going, to keep the flood gates closes, because even 1% of my emotion, was already disturbing the therapist. And I should be grateful that I rent a nice home now.. And I believed most her gaslighting. I kept going, I cancelled twice but she convinced me to come. She didn't reflect on her own behaviour. She didn't reflect on deeper issues, even when I said I felt "dissociated all week".

And then her anger, just like my mother, when I quit. As if I was the one who had failed her!

again, just like my mother

And I a 3double exhausted. From trying to open up and not being heard, from no holding, from listening to her and actually helping her regulate, and from the original trauma.

If anyone reads this. Cry if you need to...and take care and thank you very much, you're more real than all therapists I have seen 🐘

My first Ai song. It was based on a life of being not seen/accepted for who I was, and always trying harder.

I told my therapist that I cancel the therapy a month ago. It was after I didn't have therapy during her holidays (also a month).

It took me weeks of many many hours a day to decide I want to quit. I knew I wanted to quit, but the the fear of being alone was large. And the therapist was supposed to be an experienced trauma informed therapist. And I was quietly afraid the therapist would be angry (it happened).

I am still full time thinking about it. When I look back I see so many things that were absolutely wrong. Including the way she responded when I cancelled. I think I could give 100 examples.

But I keep thinking about it, because I have no one to tell about my experience...

It's feels like I cannot ground my experience as real, as valid, and that it wasn't my fault. While the therapist -who couldn't see me truely, and couldn't see my trauma- made up a story about me, with a bullshit about my past and unwillingness to keep going. It feels like unseen child again, while I am totally exhausted, and tried sooooo hard to make the therapy work.

I notice that I closed off to others as well.

The week before our final meeting, I came in feeling very vulnerable and had told her I actually didn't wanted to come. We did an exercize where I had to imagine to send my parents out of the room. I felt like a 5 y/0 and I did so. Parents were fighting, I was inbetween, and after the session, I was out of their zone.

Therapist said the strength of parents are within you anyway or from your higher self.

Next week, she approached everything very very lighthearted, as it was the session before her 3 week holiday. I said I felt dissociated all week. She ask one thing and then shifted to something lighter. She didn't relate to the previous week. She asked me how I feel about holiday, am I relieved she 's away for 3 weeks?

I said I would miss the grounded moment on our Fridays. And that I probably will collapse and cry a lot when I am a week housesitting, because I feel so tense.

She did not give me any suggestion!

When I emailed her 4 weeks later that I feel too vulnerable, and confused about what I need, so I will cancel, she first tried to convince me that it may be better for my mental health to come.

And then, when I did not want to come, ahe said that's surprising and my exhaustion may be due to repressed anger towards my father and mother, so I am welcome to practice with that.

(it felt like offering swimming class to an almost drowned person who's laying on the beach).

Btw. i came with Ptss and also autism. And wanted to do Emdr..After a couple of Emdr she found that I went to much into the experience (which i found good, because it finally made them more real, in stead of repressed) and did not offer it. I assume that was the reason.

She asked me to talk about a very traumatic event, but then did not bring it up for the next months ever. I don't know why that hurts so much.

I feel like I was too much for her, and I wished she had acknowledged that. She more and more leaned back (as if just sitting would help me?), started talking about her spiritual practice (I need ground!) or herself.

suggestions during sessions I did:

I asked for grounding before ending a session, because several times she asked me to open, but did hardly offer any holding IN MY EXPERIENCE (not in a way that I could receive)

She had difficulties grounding herself, she said. And made it look like that was due to me, as she said she leaned to much into me. But I felt like she was miles away and hardly spoke compassionate words besides her habitual welcome, would you love some tea?

I asked for her to sit closer because I (panickly) felt like there was nobody in the room.

She only did once.

She never structured sessions, did not an evaluation all year and rarely came back to something that previously happened.

I brought book fragments about my specific trauma, but she wasnt open to it. I tried to be seen and heard in my deep wound.

It was so painful to quit, maybe that's why I didn't want to confess how little holding I felt in this therapy. I kept the illussion that "I work hard", "I learn from moments of feelng no holding", "I should be able to do this alone"

I feel like my experience is not real, because again I have no witness and find it hard to not-gaslight myself

Thanks for listening.