u/GioIsOnFire

I could really use some advice

My Abusive ex believes I was the one who traumatised him and not the other way around.

I was in this abusive relationship when i was younger with someone who abused me emotionally and sexually.

I wont go over everything that happened in the relationship but he would blame me for suicide attempts, get upset and accuse me of cheating or other things if i didnt provide the emotional support he wanted, pressured me into sex when i wasnt comfortable and communicated that, would annoy/harrass me "playfully" and the only way to get him to leave me alone would be sexual acts, would try to stop me pulling away from kissing/other intimacy.

Again I wont go into the whole story, but ive recently learned he genuinely seems to believe I abused him. Genuinely everything he did to me, is what he says i did to him. Even including claiming I SA'ed him the way he did me.

I know the facts of the relationship, I even have messages from when we were together that support my memories. But the idea i may have hurt him, emotionally, physically, sexually, without realising is eating me up inside.

I know how it feels to be hurt like that. I always tried so hard to ensure he was okay in every sense. I asked how he was all the time, if he was okay, etc. He rarely did the same for me.

But now Im asking, did he try to tell me things and i didnt hear, was he uncomfortable and i didnt notice?

I always respected boundaries when I knew about them (and i still do in current, healthy, relationships) but thinking I may have accidentially violated that in any context makes me sick.

In hindsight I can think of ocassions where he might have been uncomfortable. He never communciated that at the time, including when asked directly if he was okay. But i know sometimes communciation is more, body language or indirect things.

But now I cant help but wonder if i did hurt him? Am I just as bad as he is? I dont know what to do or think.

A little context of why I'm asking: my abusive ex partner had schizophrenia. To be very clear, I know he was not abusive because he was schizophrenic, and i have known many lovely people with schizophrenia. I sincerely hope this doesnt come off as stigmatising.

In his case, his mental health was deeply unmanaged and he abused me emotionally and sexually. He often engaged in gaslighting and would pressure me into sexual activities i was uncomfortable with.

This relates to my question because he regularly accused me of abusing him. He made veriafiably false claims about me being agressive and doing other abusive things.

Im wondering if his schizophrenia resulted in him genuinely believing/feeling like i was abusive? Despite all evidence to the contrary? He even at times claimed i had sent messages which did not exist (of an abusive nature)

Again i completely understand schizophrenia doesnt make people abusive, and i do not for a second believe that people with schizophrenia are inherently abusive or anything. Just want to be super clear and avoid stigmatising.

I understand mutal abuse does not exist, and its a tactic abusers to further harm their victims by justifying what they did.

But its so awful to have an abuser look at you and say the abuse "went both ways".

I reached out to my rapist after years because i wanted him to have to hear my version of events.

He responded by saying he acknowledges he abused me but that I was as bad as he was. He even claimed to have sexual trauma from raping me.

For some context, when we first started having sex I started a conversation about boundaries with him. And he basically said he didnt want to communicate what he felt. So i said we shouldnt have sex if he wasnt able to communicate.

He became very pushy dispite my discomfort. He wouldnt take no for an answer and insisted he wanted sex (never asking how i felt).

I caved in because of how insistent he was, and because i was scared of what he would do if i disappointed him.

I know recognise this was coercive rape, as he left me with no choice.

He was also someone who generally did not respect my boundaries, phsyical or emotional and would not take no for an answer. One example is he when he came to stay the night, id set up two beds for us and asked which one hed like. He just refused to sleep in a position that didnt involve touching me. And when i moved away he would follow me.

He claimed our sexual encounters were negative for him to. Which could be true. But if it is he never communicated this at the time. I even suggested he tap me a few times quickly if he ever needed to stop, but didnt want to speak. He never did.

Im not a perfect victim. After tolerating his abuse for months, i did lash out at him. I did have breakdowns which he saw. Im not proud of my behaviour. But i can also acknowledge i acted the way i did in response to the trauma i was actively experiencing.

It is so horrible to be accused of the very things i suffered, and even knowing that i did everything i could at the time, and thqt he was always the one in control (i couldnt even convince him to make a safety plan), its still so horrible to hear.

Has anyone else been accused of "mutual abuse"? How do you cope?